Cosmic Cinema

Dealing with MSN as an ISP and their Tech Support

2009-08-24T16:17:00.002-04:00

And 10 Things I've Learned after 2+ Weeks of Updates gone Wrong and a day Wasted Waiting on hold between being shunted from one Call Center to the next.

Lamentations of a Man who Thought the Problem had been Fixed.

1. Tech support is a misnomer. Tech savvy they're not (9 times out of 10).

2. You can never get a straight answer but will learn to either endure their "agents" (when did "operators" go out of style?) trouble shooting "checklist" or defenestrate your phone.

3. MSN as an ISP when it comes to "update" time means one hour/day you can connect, the next you can't; just as one hour/day when you call tech support you're assured your OS is supported but the next day/hour you're told it isn't and you should upgrade to VISTA/ XP/ whatevah. (see #2)

4. It takes 1-5 minutes to actually get passed the stupid automated call center, whether you try to annunciate clearly or not doesn't matter. You can recite poetry, play heavy metal, put the phone down and watch paint dry, you just have to endure those 1-5 minutes until the automated call center forwards you to the live call center.

5. While waiting to be forwarded to the next live "agent" you'll be inundated with canned info blurbs (spoken by a woman that sounds suspiciously like Demi Moore) informing you that all your problems can be fixed online. 'Did you know. .' the voice will begin, and repeat over and over and over as MSN rapes your ear hole with nonsense you couldn't care less about.

6. It takes a minimum of 1-5 minutes to give the people in the live call center your information before they'll actually TALK to you about why you're calling.

7. It will take 5-10 minutes of explaining your problem to the "tech support" people before they forward you to a "specialist", who you'll have to explain everything to all over again.

8. If you call "after hours" (meaning anytime after 12 noon EST) your call has a 50/50 chance of going to a call center where everyone has Indian or Pakistani accents. (The chance goes up to 100% after 5-7 o'clock EST.)

9. People with strange accents that may or may not be in a call center in India or Pakistan do not comprehend "M-E" as a operating system, but if you tell them "millennium" (and give them a minute or three to put you on hold while they consult their call center manual) may recognize it as a OS that Miscosoft has tossed into the dung heap, along with anyone still unfortunate enough to have a machine running it. (Don't laugh. It was okay as an crappy iMachine for internet usage, until a couple weeks ago.)

9. When dealing with call center people with the hard to place accents no matter how many times you explain simple concepts, like explaining what your OS is or your current browser version, they'll stick to their "check list" and never quite grasp that "I'm on DIAL-UP" means you can't A) connect while you are talking to them, B) are calling them because you can't connect thus you can't DOWNLOAD updates, and; C) if you're lucky their trouble shooting "fixes" don't do anything to make your problem worse. If you're lucky.

10. When the tech support guy with the funny foreign accent says all you need is to upgrade to the most current version of the proprietary browser software and everything will be fixed; it'll only make the problem worse. (As in NOTHING WORKS after.)

11. Finally- yes, like Spinal Tap, I can't count too well- it took one heck of a talk, explaining re-explaining, questioning with confused frustration, for someone to finally hem and haw around the truth, which I suspected all along (despite being told otherwise in what amounts to bold faced lies): My OS is NOT supported. Microsoft has apparently (I'm guessing; see #2 above) instituted a new 'framework' update designed to cut off all OSes older than XP and Vista. Why I couldn't have been told this 2+ weeks ago is beyond me. My best guess is MSN wanted to get one more month of FEES out of me. I am not amused. I am not a happy camper. I will NOT be continuing with MSN. Where I'll end up, with whom, or if I'll be back any time soon only the Fates can augur.

# end

P.S. I knew I shouldn't have posted that message about eugenics and the apocalypse. ;-)

Expect me when you see me my friends!

L8r!

Eugenics, Movies, and the Apocalypse

2009-08-23T17:54:00.005-04:00

Since I last posted here I've more or less stabilized my connection, found a ex-rental VHS of the post-apocalypse rarity, THE AFTERMATH, and watched in utter disbelief the cable news networks. But first THE AFTERMATH. I've never seen it and have been looking for a copy for sometime. I could string together a googolplex of adjectives to tell you how bad that flick is but, suffice to say, it's not worth the money I paid for it. So I wont be wasting space talking about it here.

Instead I'm going to talk about current events, in a science fiction context, since "real life" seems to have taken a turn down surreal street. (At least on certain cable news shows.) I have noticed, as undoubtedly have many others, that depending on which cable news network happens to be on, America seems to be falling apart at the seams-- Only the why's and what fore's seem to vary. According to certain of the talking heads people are taking to the streets in protest, even carrying guns, and the sky is about to come crashing down as the Obama regime is about to institute a form of eugenics that will kill grandma, blot the sun out of the sky, and make Satan seem like a jolly fat man in a red suit yadayadahohoho. All this while yet other talking heads say it's all fabricated Astroturf nonsense.

And then there's the talk/discussion/shouting matches about healthcare, death panels, progressives, Nazi's, and yet more talk about eugenics.

This talk of eugenics got me thinking. The concept has been around for a long time. It was practiced in ancient Sparta, where it really was state enforced. The basic idea is a simple one, if a bit convoluted, depending on who happens to be trying to explain it at the time. Being a fan of science fiction, wherein eugenics has been explored in both it's pros and cons for decades (it's even a central theme in the back story of Star Trek), I find some of the current discussions about eugenics by political pundits rather funny; and woefully uninformed. Thus I've decided to provide a public service announcement, of sorts, by going to one of the sources and quoting a/the turn of the century author that wrote about this 'science' and letting you, the reader, using the author's own words, see what the concepts behind eugenics are/is. So read, think, and judge for yourself. I'm just a guy that writes reviews.

We'll begin by quoting from APPLIED EUGENICS by Paul Popenoe, originally published circa 1918 (Full text here: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/19560) ::

"Eugenics consists of a foundation of biology and a superstructure of sociology" designed to produce a "practical means by which society may encourage the reproduction of superior persons and discourage that of inferiors" therefore "it is desirable to discriminate as much as possible" in favor of those individuals bearing traits considered positive for the betterment of the state and society.

How is this to be accomplished?

Ideally the goal of "eugenics is to make such legal, social and economic adjustments that (1) a larger proportion of superior persons will have children than at present, (2) that the average number of offspring of each superior person will be greater than at present, (3) that the most inferior persons will have no children, and finally that (4) other inferior persons will have fewer children than now."

One may wonder how such ideas came into being. As the author states in his introduction:

"The Great War has caused a vast destruction of the sounder portion of the belligerent peoples and it is certain that in the next generation the progeny of their weaker members will constitute a much larger proportion of the whole than would have been the case if the War had not occurred. Owing to this immeasurable calamity that has befallen the white race, the question of eugenics has ceased to be merely academic."

In otherwords the author is worried about the potential decline of "the more valuable stocks" of humanity. One may ask what these "more valuable stocks" of humanity are, who decides, and to what ultimate purpose? Interestingly the author provides a answer to this quandry as well as the means whereby the above may be instituted:

"The fear of racial decline provides the eugenist with a far stronger leverage than did the hope of accelerating racial progress."

Racial decline of whom? Why the "white race" course! (see above) So this "racial progress" is designed to "inspire the superior to rise above certain worldly ideals of life and to aim at a family success rather than an individual success." Sounds fair enough. After all politicians are aways waxing poetic about family values. There's nothing sinister about family values, is there? Such a plan as this might provide "methods . . . by which . . . the people of America might be made, on the average, healthier, happier, and more efficient."

What could possibly be wrong with that?

Guess it depends on who you are and whether you belong to one of the ethnic groups deemed to belong to the "valuable stocks" of humanity.

Sounds like crazy science fiction, right? Maybe not. Some of these thematic elements have been touched upon in recent movies like GATTACA and IDIOCRACY (though as an unintentional satire of the concept) but they're far from crazy. The idea of eugenics, though the term itself has fallen into disuse due primarily to the excesses of the Nazi regime in it's applications of eugenics in practice, remains a very real social engineering construct. It's not merely some crackpot theory, nor is it limited to the Nazi's, who merely borrowed it as they did so much else. However, where science fiction is concerned, perhaps the best serious example of eugenics at work can be found in Frank Herbert's DUNE.

The Bene Gesserit sisterhood are essentially eugenicists caught up in a centuries long breeding program working for a singular goal; the creation of a Kwisatz Haderach, or superhuman. Of course Paul Atreides wasn't exactly part of the plan. His mother wasn't supposed to have sons. Which makes one wonder what the outcome of the Bene Gesserit program would have been. A Khan Noonian Singh perhaps?

(to be continued)

Word of Warning RE: the Microsoft Network

2009-08-10T12:04:00.001-04:00

Goodbye Again Friends,

Something is fishy in Denmark.

I can but can not access the internet. My machine has been experiencing some very odd behavior that I feel anyone using a PC should be made aware of. Obviously right now I am online, as I have posted this, but to do so I am forced to reset my security settings so low that any of those invasive malware programs that do not exist in MSN's browser software et al have free access to whatever servers they do not connect to from my system. This is unacceptable. And I'm more than a bit miffed at the situation, which I shall outline in more detail below.

Long story short Microsoft (as I previously mentioned they are my Internet provider) somehow got through my firewall and installed something on my system that I never gave permission for them to do. Considering I do not use their MSN Browser, instead preferring the simplicity of logging in via IE or Firefox, my initial discovery of an inability to log in had me calling tech support. Despite assurances that all I needed was the newest version of the MSN Browser and everything would be fine once I downloaded it- which is a load of BS but then that's the problem with outsourcing to foreign countries, these people don't speak English as a first language and thus are incapable of comprehending simple facts spoken to them in simple terms like: I'VE TRIED TO UPDATE AND AM UNABLE BECAUSE I GET MESSAGES SAYING MY OS IS NO LONGER SUPPORTED. They keep insisting. So all you can do is let them feed you their line of BS and hope.

But that's not what really annoyed me. What annoyed me is discovering, after a bit of kludging around, that Microsoft managed to hack past my firewall and install something on my computer. Let me repeat that. . . My service provider, the people who take my money every month, appear to have hacked into my system to force an "update" on my machine that effectively CRIPPLES my ability to access the service they are taking my money for.

I could be paranoid but the facts seem to support the theory that a forced "update" was executed on my machine to disable it. My first clue, as I may have mentioned in my earlier post, was noticing something trying to load on my system. It was attempting to force, I thought, a shockwave update. Now I've never figured out how to block these. These updates circumvent my firewall, actually they don't even register they just seem to start and my only clue is everything suddenly slowing down to a crawl. I've observed this many times, usually only during those few times I am forced to lower my security settings. Thus my only, and best, defense against them has been to surf the net with my security settings set to high. Alas when you log in to check e-mail and such you have NO CHOICE but to compromise your system and lower your security settings. My best guess is Microsoft used one of these times to hack into my system.

Now "hack" may seem like a harsh word to use. But read on.

Long story short a program downloaded onto my system in the Shockwave directory a few weeks ago. I discovered it was there because it was loading during boot-up and instantly attempting to access the internet. The only reason I was aware of this is because I have dial-up and have my system set up to manually dial in, thus the dialogue box for dialing out kept popping up for no reason. Took me a while to figure out what the problem was. What I had to do was manually find and delete this mystery file, including it's registry key. I forget exactly what it was called but I think it was something like POSTUPDATE.EXE. Shortly thereafter my problems began. Obviously I did not find and remove this invasive program in time.

Currently there is a way for me to access the Internet, but it's round about. Considering this is a paid for service which is suddenly being denied with absolutely NO forewarning AND my IP installed something on my system without my consent I find this disturbing. I am NOT a happy customer.

For those thinking this is a overreaction consider this: There is a program that now wants to run on my system: LOADQM.EXE. This is an important fact because I stopped using MSN Browser because it had too many programs wanting open ports through my software firewall. (And I don't use IM.) Now the most invasive of these programs, one which I PHYSICALLY REMOVED FROM IT'S DIRECTORY AND PLACED IN A ZIP ARCHIVE was, you guessed it, LOADQM.EXE.

So since I removed this program it shouldn't be running on my system. So how did it get back ON my system? Remember my OS is no longer supported. That means no updates. If I can't update then how did this program get back on my system? I do not know.

Nor do I know what the purpose of this program is. I do know it kept crashing my system and giving me blue screens as it was constantly trying to worm it's way through my firewall, despite me denying it access, which was why I removed it. Yet now it's back on my system. It is, I think disabled again. And, surprise surprise, that seems to be what was slowing everything down. Was it because it was forcing ports open through my firewall and doing. . . Something?

Again I do not know. According to Google this is a program associated with IM. But that' a load of BS. IM is non-functional on my machine. I do not use IM. But even if I did IM appears to currently be disabled. Besides the information I can find claims it's some sort of auto-updater, again BS as my OS is no longer supported. A fact Microsoft seemed intent on driving home to me by crippling my system. Which makes me wonder what other invasive programs they might have placed on my machine, all while CONTINUING TO TAKE MY MONEY for a service they seem to not want to provide to those of us using older OS platforms.

What's up with that? I paid good money for this computer and the software that came with it, brand new I might add. The OS has never really worked. Has Microsoft ever apologized for releasing barely functional OSes that crash over 50% of the time? Issued a single rebate? Used any of the information that we are forced to provide them to contact us, the people they ghettoize as "end users" to help us in any way? No.

They take our money then, when you try to set up YOUR OWN PROPERTY to be as secure as possible they hack into it to install a backdoor to CRIPPLE it because they decided that it's time for you to upgrade to the newest flavor of barely functional OS? Am I the only one that has a problem with these heavy handed tactics?

Honestly if not for the fact I kind of sort of need my e-mail addy I'd have canceled this service in a heartbeat. Probably will. In the meantime look to your own systems. Be sure that your service providers haven't installed something nefarious on your machine.

Kind Regards,

Kester Pelagius

Forced Hiatus Looming

2009-08-07T20:53:00.002-04:00

Greetings Loyal Readers,

Everything seemed to be working, if not perfectly fine, at least passably so earlier today. Then, wham, nothing wanted to work. Long story short after placing a call to tech support it appears that the Microsoft Network (my service provider) in their finite wisdom have decreed that all those whose computers aren't up to their specs and using the most up-to-date version of their malwa- koff- sorry, their web surfing software shall NOT be allowed to connect to the web. At least until they upgrade. Funny. They take my money for the service yet don't bother to give a guy a heads up, send me upgrade discs, or anything. I mean is it too much to ask for a heads up that your service provider is about to cut their entire network off from those using older versions of their software? What's up with that? Is it because I'm using older software and thus I don't matter to them?

Oh, sure, according to the tech support guy I apparently was informed, via e-mail. You know some of us don't check e-mail every day. And when we do it's usually so full of spam that gets past the filter we spend most of our time trying to weed through the chaff. But, hey, according to the tech support person, who sounded like he was from India or Pakistan (or wherever Miscrosoft outs ources to) I WAS informed. So far be it from me to dispute such lofty facts. Not that I tried. Before I could the tech guy informed me I probably deleted the e-mail by accident. Yeah, okay, whatever.

Long story short Internet Explorer (the browser I was using to log in with as I despise the invasiveness of the MSN browser) no longer logs me in. I'd been noticing something trying to eat up my bandwidth for the past couple of days. I thought it was Shockwave trying to force an update but, apparently, it was MSN updating something to force me to go out and buy a new PC. Bass turds!

*waves impotent fist at nobody in particular*

Not really sure what sort of PC to get. Don't really want to buy a new one but it'd probably be cheaper than updating the OS on this machine. I'm not saying that if I saw Bill Gates on fire in the middle of the street that I wouldn't urinate on him, but this entire concept of corporations not just foisting new software onto you whether you like it or not but forcing you to upgrade ad nauseum ad infinitum is exhausting.

But I suppose those poor execs at MSN need more money to feed their pet bald eagles, or whatever. So I guess you can expect to see new reviews when you see them. Sorry about that. Ain't much a guy can do when their service provider cold cocks them. Everything is slow as molasses, but I'm not going to tell you the odd manner in which I managed to connect lest someone at MSN be reading this and close that hole up too. But, suffice it so say, it makes surfing the web even slower than usual.

Sigh. Well it's be grand fun. Hope to have (and be able to post) new reviews for you soon.

Kind Regards,

Kester Pelagius

Of Hercules, Giant Robots, and Reviews

2009-08-05T19:36:00.003-04:00

Having recently purchased the double feature of Hercules/Adventure of Hercules for the princely sum of $3 at a Big Lots I was working on a review of both movies. But, try as I might, the second movie is a brain freeze. I find myself pausing the movie, noting the time on the counter, then ejecting the disc. Why? Because it's offal! That's not a typo, it's really awful beyond words. I've not been able to bring myself to watch it all the way through. Alas haste makes waste and the early bird gets the worm, or in the case writes the review.

A wise [expletive deleted] once said that "great minds think alike" and a recent discovery of a review at Black Gate for Lou Ferrigno's Hercules (posted yesterday no less) would seem to prove that axiom. I was working on a review to post here but after reading Mr. Ryan's review mine now seems superfluous. He not only quotes from the same Starlog article- possibly found online at the same site I found it?- but makes a lot of the same or similar points I was/might have so I'm tabling my review.

That said I'd like to now direct you to the fine article Hercules vs. the Giant Robots

Kudos to the reviewer. Very well written sir.

# End of Line

Areola 51

2009-07-30T19:58:00.007-04:00

Year: 2007

Director: Eddie Edwards

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

Cast: Molinee Green, Nicole Oring, Valentine Snow, Deborah Wise, Jessica Sweet, et al.

Runtime: 74 min

Rating: TV-MA

Related URLs: Trailer (NSFW)

As astute readers will have already surmised Areola 51 is one of those low budget "late night" movies that cable channels like skinemax apparently have an endless supply of. Why review it? Partly because at the time I am writing this there is virtually no information to be found online and partly because, even though it is a late night T&A flick, it is technically SF and has some VFX that actually look better than the typical Sci-Fi; sorry, SyFylys Channel; original movie. I feel that makes it worth commenting on. The things I endure for the love of the genre and for this site.

* * * WARNING * * *

Don't continue reading BEYOND THIS POINT unless you're interested in hawt sci-fi babes. There may be NSFW content beyond this point. I do not guarantee there will be but there might and I don’t want you getting in trouble with your boss (or whoever).

* * * WARNING * * *

Premise: Alien space babes come to earth to research human sexuality, abduct a sexually frustrated secretary, and probe her for data.

The Reality: Threadbare plot is used as an excuse to film soft core vignettes.

The Story: Areola 51 is a UFO themed alien abduction spoof starring a bevy of bountiful buff babes. Some are porn starlets and actresses from late night erotic series like Co-ed Confidential. Thus some may be asking the question: Is a more explicit version of this movie available? The short answer is I do not know. So far as I can tell this has not been released to DVD. However given the fact Areola 51 is presented as a series of vignettes linked by a framing narrative device of a woman being interrogated by a shadowy man in black type. .

With the vignettes revealed as flashbacks. .

And revealing quite a lot of naked skin (while adding nothing to the threadbare plot or narrative). .

It's possible more was shot than made it into this cable version or that some scenes may have been recycled from previous adult features. (If you were involved with this production or know anything about this movie send me an e-mail or leave a comment and I'll update this review accordingly.) If how much naked skin is in a movie is what most interests you I suggest renting something else. Areola 51 attempts to do what so many similar softcore movies before it has, take the "adult" movie formula and meld it with drama; albeit with less than stellar results. But it's at least more interesting than the usual vacuous nonsense storylines found in these latenight skinemax flicks. An effort was made to make this SF. I wouldn't review it otherwise.

Assessment: This movie is deadly dull boring. The first time I tried to sit through it I was initially intrigued by the VFX. .

Which don't look all that impressive in a screen cap. .

For those asking: Is this really worth watching in the first place? I say. .

Verdict: There is a reason there's not many reviews to be found online for this. Aside from the mélange of soft core cut scenes Areola 51 is an epic snooze fest. Basically the producers took an idea better suited to a 30 minute Twilight Zone style episode and padded it out to near feature length. The easy out would be to say no one expects much of a late night skinemax movie. That's a steaming load. Upon a second viewing I found the movie to not only have moments of absurd hilarity but to have competent, if fleeting, VFX. Sadly Areola 51 never rises above being a limp DTV flick trapped within its formulaic late night T&A prison. If not for the fact I'd decided to record the movie and write a review of it before I'd ever seen it I may not have given Areola 51 a second look. Honesty compells me to note that, aside from an energetic piece of music used during the VFX laden title scroll and an abduction sequence with interesting visuals. .

The movie is deceptively blasé in it's approach to using it's SF thematic elements. Had their been any action to provide forward momentum it might have mitigated the tedium. Alas what Areola 51 attempts to do is take the Scherhazade approach to storytelling and turn it into a "let's tell repetitive stories to an captive audience" as the excuse to show simulated "sex scenes" in the usual clichéd softcore approach of opus filmmaking. The producers likely assumed all would be forgiven because of the gratuitous nudity. They were wrong.

However I am willing to take into account that this appears to be the production company's first feature, at least this is it's first listed credit at IMDB. To the producers I would say Areola 51 would be interesting as an uncensored Twilight Zone episode but, as a feature, sadly lacks scope. I hate to say that because the technical execution showed promise. If the production company produces more SF movies and infuses them with a little more action, retains the gratuitous nudity (perhaps with a little more narrative justification for it's presence), while incorporating more VFX and music (there's just the one song) I'd definitely tune in to watch them. Heck I might even buy a few of their titles on DVD, assuming they ever get DVD releases.

So if you like hawt sci-fi babes then set your TiVO to record this! Otherwise I'd recommend it only for hardcore bad movie masochists and people too embarrassed to buy real porn.

# End of Line

Have you heard the HK & Cult Film News?

2009-07-27T01:20:00.001-04:00

Today Cosmic Cinema is continuing to look around the net and report on interesting review sites. Last week we showcased Weirded Beardo Reviews, or some such [wink], today it's HK & Cult Film News. If you're thinking that's a rather odd niche for a reviewer to choose and that such a site must be deathly dull boring to anyone not interested in Hong Kong movies you'd be. . . WRONG!

This site has actually reviewed quite a range of genre flicks. Apparently "cult" is broadly defined here. Which is good news for heroic fantasy fans as the DVD release of a relatively recent Sci-Fi channel original movie was recently reviewed. It was even praised as an "modest but well-crafted" movie that "manages to rise a bit above the mediocrity of the usual Sci-Fi Channel fare."

Which movie gets such praise? Why it's none other than MERLIN AND THE BOOK OF BEASTS. A movie that, sadly, I missed entirely. Wish I could say the same for KNIGHTS OF BLOODSTEEL, a similarly themed heroic fantasy syfylys flick which was so bad I actually steered clear of syfylys channel original movies for a while. The review is not exactly glowing but it's earnest and honest in it's critique.

Viz. "Production values remain modest but decent enough otherwise, although the most the filmmakers manage in the way of interiors are a few rooms in the Arkadian's palace and some tunnels. A small courtyard set with a couple dozen extras is all we see of Camelot's inhabitants. Overall, the production design and cinematography are good and the film, while sparsely populated, has an attractive look."

Sadly this title is currently on sale at Amazon dot com for about 18 bucks, marked down from 20, and I have to say that there isn't a syfylys movie made that's worth that kind of scratch. There's just so many ways to spend 20 bucks. Alas using it to buy a syfylys movie is a waste. I'd sooner take a 20, pour lighter fluid on it, and burn it. Maybe if syfylys weren't so greedy and priced these DVDs modestly, say around 15 dollars to begin with then moving them to the 5 dollar bargain bin, so unless it comes up in the syfylys schedule again I'm going to pass. But read the review and decide for yourself. Sounds like this one might not have been all that bad.

# End of Line

Have you seen the Bearded Weirdo?

2009-07-23T10:21:00.006-04:00

His reviews are actually pretty informative, for all that they give the entirety of the plot of most movies he's reviewing away. But then there's two kind of reviewers, those reviewing for people who have yet to see a movie (I count myself amongst this type) and those writing for people who've already seen the movie or who don't give a fig about spoilers. If this is you then you're going to love Bearded Weirdo Reviews. Just be advised this site is slightly NSFW. So if that discourages you from checking this site out read no further, because I'm about to talk about some grand fun reviews he's posted recently.

Still reading? Alrighty then get ready for the awesome!

In a recent review for The Warrior & The Sorceress the Bearded Weirdo had the following nuggets of wisdom to say about the sword-and-sorcery genre:

"Often, I find, uneducated video renters the world over use the terms 'sword-and-sorcery' and "fantasy" interchangeably. This is a tragic fallacy that must, must, must be corrected."

Mr. Weirdo goes on to explain, at length, the differences between high fantasy and heroic fantasy (the subset of fantasy to which sword-and-sorcery belongs). It's very interesting, even if the commentary gets a bit blue at times. My favorite nugget O'wisdom, at least what I can quote here, is the following:

"LORD OF THE RINGS is "high fantasy," not "sword-and-sorcery." Period. If a sword-and-sorcery hero ran into Frodo Baggins on some winding forest path in some faraway land of myth and mysticism... he'd beat the ever-loving sh!t out of that wimpy li'l hobbit bastard and steal his most cherished belongings. Then our unnamed savage ravager might go on an arson spree throughout all of The Shire, raping any hobbit ladyfolk he encountered along the way."

That does paint a picture. And what does that have to do with the movie mentioned above? Well you'll just have to read the review (The Warrior & The Sorceress) to find out! But the aforementioned review is a dull whitewashed piece of flotsam in comparison to the review for Demonwarp. You know you're in for something special when a reviewer's opening paragraph is:

"Why the f#@k would you ever go hiking in a place called Demonwood Forest? Seriously. What good could come of that? How could anything else but violent death await you? Have you people not seen any g-dd@mn horror movie, like, ever?"

Lots of expletives in this particular review. But if you can stick with it it's a real experience. Sort of like getting hit in the head with a volley ball at the beach. You're just sitting there minding your business then, out of nowhere, WHAM!

Alas Bearded Weirdo has not reviewed a lot of sci-fi features. This saddens me. Then again the few he has reviewed are full of his high octane critical wit. Behold what the Weirdo had to say about Barb Wire:

"BARB WIRE is the kind of movie that doesn't have a lot of fans who are willing to mention it without using that magic phrase "guilty pleasure" in the same breath. Like I said, I don't get the whole "guilty pleasure" thing, and I don't like it. To me, it's just a cop-out, and it smacks of "denying Jesus three times."

Well, Peter may have denied Jesus three times, but you won't soon catch me denying Pam Anderson even once. Not with this kind o' brilliant badness on her resume'."

I've read reviews that compare Barb Wire and Pamela Anderson to a lot of things but I don't think I've ever seen, heard, or imagined either would ever be compared to the life and times of Jesus. To be perfectly honest Barb Wire is a movie I've been meaning to write a review for, one day. I say "one day" because I've never really known where to start with it. Which is funny considering Mr. Weirdo got his review going with a lengthy rant about the absurdity of "guilty pleasures" which led to the following insightful overview of the movie:

"Inspired by the comic book of the same title, the film is a post-apocalyptic whirligig of bullets, bleached blond hair extensions, and black leather. It opens, like many a Bad-with-a-capital-B futuristic action flick, with a lengthy pre-credits scroll of white text in front of a harsh-looking "scorched earth" landscape that explains that the year is 2017 and America is involved in a second Civil War. Every city in the nation has fallen under an iron-fisted super-authoritarian government rule. Every city, that is, except for Wire's hometown of Steel Harbor <...>"

Nice synopsis. I particularly love the careful and well thought placement of an illustrative pic right next to this paragraph. (You'll just have to take my word for it if clicking the above link to visit a NSFW sight frightens you.) I should point out that Bearded Weirdo Reviews doesn't have a lot of movies currently under review. But the select few movies that have been reviewed are thoroughly critiqued. A very unusual and interesting review site. You should check it out soon.

# End of Line

Gor, Lost in Adaptation or merely Lost? (Fini)

2009-07-06T13:29:00.003-04:00

Adapting novels into screenplays to adapt into movies is a lot like translating an ancient text written in a long dead language. The journey from hieroglyphs to contemporary English, French, or German is arduous. Subtle contexts of meaning often get lost in translation. No matter how fluent the translator may be there is no avoiding this. Witness the atrocious, often unintentionally funny, English dubbing of sword-and-sandal imports or the differences in word choice found in different Bible editions. Of course how well a translation retains the spirit and concepts of the original depends on how faithful the translator stays to the source. Good translations take time, witness the years of work that often go into translating classical works. No two translators present quite the same text for the works of Homer, Plato, or even the Bible.

A prime example of how a movie differs from the novels on which it is based can be found in the artwork of Gor. It may not be an entirely fair critique to judge a book (series) by it's cover(s) yet we can learn much from them. .

1. Assassin of Gor, artist Boris Valejo; notice one woman is bound in chains and the other is knelling in supplication to the dominant male. 2. Kajira of Gor, artist unknown; the full scene depicts a male fighting some outlandish Gorean beast as a bound female slave looks on. 3. Outlaw of Gor, artist ?; a female is staked out and bound in chains while two men fight over (her) their prize. 4. Now compare to an actual screen cap from the movie GOR, in which a woman is not only lacking bonds she's wielding a sword in defense of her village.

Obviously, having not read the novels, it's hard to judge whether women wielding swords and being heroic goes totally against the grain of Gor as written. Yet here's another typical quote from a fan site:

"You!" said the trainer, gesturing to another girl with his Whip. "To his feet! Beg for love!" This girl hurried forward and knelt before Drusus Rencius. "I beg for love, Master," she whispered. "You!" said the trainer, indicating another girl. She, too, hurried forward. She knelt before Drusus Rencius, her palms on the floor, her head to the very tiles. "I beg for love," she whispered. "I beg for love, Master."

-Kajira of Gor, pg 139

Most quotes posted on fan sites seem to be snapshots of slave-master relationships; with females predominantly in the submissive role. Even taken out of context they speak volumes. In the novels women are portrayed as submissive chattels whose role in Gorean society is essentially that of eager sex slave. A golden premise for exploitation filmmakers. Alas the opportunity to create a cult classic on par with The Perils of Gwendoline, The Story of O, Emmanuelle, or the infamous nazisploitation Ilsa trilogy was squandered. Like them or loathe them the Gor novels, and Gorean Fantasy, like the works of the Marquis de Sade, have an audience. Even literary purists who would place Gor novels into the nearest garbage receptacle will admit the movies weren't Gorean Fantasy. They may herald this as a good thing, but that's only because John Norman's books have such a polarizing effect; for some.

But so what if the novels aren't well known or well liked? They have spawned a sub-genre all their own. This strange, and often controversial, sub-genre of fantasy exists in a black hole nexus of moral ambiguity. Given the nature of the novels, a faithful adaptation, even sans the Tarns, would likely of had limited appeal. Studios are concerned solely with making money, which too often means pandering to "mainstream" audiences, which begs the question: Why buy the movie rights to such a controversial novel series in the first place? But, having purchased the rights, why then proceed to murder the author's vision and film a counterfeit version of Gor?

Now there's a loaded question. After all there really is nothing new under the sun. Every writer borrows ideas and, like a kitchen alchemist, mixes them together in what they hope will be a winning formulae. Should filmmakers really be held up to a higher standard than the writers themselves?

Yes. Because the filmmaker is not creating they are interpreting, or rather breathing life into the text; or such is the task they should be doing. Alas filmmakers have become like the authors of distant antiquity who borrowed the names of famous biblical or mythological figures to lend authenticity to their own writings. Filmmakers have taken to borrowing the name and title of an established author to pass off their own work, which in any other industry would be considered criminal fraudulence. Sadly filmmakers get away with this time and time again. They've produced counterfeit Bible stories, forgeries of historical events, and, Hollywood's most recent favorite, the remake dubbed a "re-envisioning", which are almost always bogus and patently fraudulent fabrications totally unrelated to the source material. Sometimes they work yet, too often, they do not.

But would the Gor movies really have been any better if the books had been adapted more faithfully? Perhaps. Then again the filmmakers were obviously clueless. As I mentioned in part one of this article I've never read the novels, yet I recognize them for what they are: an derivative blending of Edgar Rice Burroughs style of heroic fantasy laced with undertones of Arabian Fantasy. The scenes of slave girls so many find offensive are no different than the romanticized odalisque of Orientalist painters.

Indeed there exists an entire sub-genre of erotica, which does not have the same stigma attached to it as Gorean Fantasy, that's very similar to it in many ways. It's full of slave girls, masters, and harems. And it has gotten better treatment in it's movie adaptations, why? Is it because Gor was published as genre fantasy rather than literature?

This is the crux of the question about movie adaptations of genre fiction be they pulp planet stories, Harlequin romances, comic book fantasy, hard science fiction, horror, or crime dramas; be they set on distant alien worlds with strange sounding names like Barsoom, Arrakis, Gor, Pern, Amtor, or Middle-Earth. If filmmakers are not going to respect the author's written word and faithfully represent the source material what's the point? Liberties may be taken with narrative accounts of certain figures such as Genghis Khan, Caligula, Nero, or Cleopatra, as indeed the bulk of literary works about such personages is built upon speculation. Yet, even here, there are certain known and established facts about these historical figures that must be abided by.

Novels, unlike distant historical events, are not open to speculation. The authors words are plainly recorded in black and white. Alas filmmakers continue to despoil literary works without repercussion. The Gor movies were low budget productions that wandered far from the source material, thus alienating the fan base. Nor did they provide much for mainstream audiences or genre fans to like. Their plots were a threadbare fabric of generic clichés woven around shallow and transparent characters. Had the eponymous Tarns not been written out and replaced with horses, had there been some attempt to include science fiction elements, had. . If only. . But there wasn't. The Gor movies will never be more than campy, cheesy, unintentionally funny nonsense; and remembered for being as far removed from their source material as an atheist is from an Orthodox patriarch. Perhaps they could have been more, alas we'll never know.

# End of Line

Gor, Lost in Adaptation or merely Lost?

2009-07-03T01:43:00.002-04:00

This article is an extension of last week's series, Reflections on Barsoom, wherein it was noted numerous attempts to bring Edgar Rice Burroughs Barsoom novel series to the big screen have failed. Also outlined were certain concerns about the current Disney/Pixar movie project. If recent news articles are accurate the project has moved out of development limbo and is being rushed into production. That's almost never a good sign for a movie, especially one being adapted from a novel.

Fans of novels that get translated into big screen movies are all too often disappointed by how Hollywood treats their favorite stories. The most notorious example being David Lynch's Dune. Yet despite Dune's perceived flaws it was far superior to the odd Sci-Fi channel spawned mini series. Alas it too often takes a poorly executed remake for audiences to appreciate these earlier adaptations. Conan the Barbarian was sniped at by fans of Howard's stories yet, compared to the Conan television series, the Conan movies were faithful adaptations. Which brings us back to the subject of our article.

Odds are you've probably never read the Gor novels though you may have heard about them. Having just read reviews for the movies it may come as a surprise to learn the novels have been described as everything from Barsoom with bondage to Taliban erotica. In this article we shall continue to examine the treatment of novel-to-movie adaptations by examining Barsoom's cousin fantasy world. .

Gor, aka Counter-Earth, is the fantasy world of author John Norman as first introduced in the novel "Tarnsman of Gor" (1966). An series of some 20+ odd novels followed. .

The Gor novels are often described as indulgent misogynistic 'adult' fantasy patterned loosely after Edgar Rice Burroughs John Carter of Mars series. It is a world in which politically incorrect warriors ride around on gigantic birds; the eponymous Tarns of the first novel; while slave girls gyrate provocatively for their (male master's) pleasure. Dancing girls have been a staple of historical epics since the days of Cecil B. Demille. .

Even when production budgets were sparse, such as in the old Italian sword-and-sandal epics, there were dancing girls. .

However what made the Gor novels notorious were the themes espoused by the author, namely that it is woman's natural state to be subservient to men in all things. This led to the novels being criticized as gutter treatments of heroic fantasy using clichéd science fiction tropes as a crutch to prop up mediocre pseudo sword-and-sorcery. But are such criticisms valid? Here's a typical novel quote from a typical Gor fan site:

The dancing of the female before the male, that she be found pleasing and he be pleased, is one of the most profound lessons in all of human biology. Others are when she kneels before him, when she kisses his feet, when she performs obeisance, when she knows herself subject, truly, to his whip.

- Dancer of Gor, pg 193

But it's not merely the "philosophy" or politically incorrect views expressed by the author that has gotten this series into so much trouble. The terse writing style is off-putting:

He was a Gorean master. I was at his mercy. I wondered if I could have felt so much his, so completely surrendered, if he had not possessed this complete power over my life and body. I belonged to him. But I did not want him to whip me, or put me in the slave box. I wanted only, desperately, to please him. And I knew I must, for I was his slave.

-Captive of Gor, pg 343

Such is the tone of the Gor novels and the nature of the fantasy world. Yet, inexplicably, two movies were produced during the 1980s. It is these curious movies we shall return our attention to next.

In the meantime the curious can use any search engine to discover myriad articles ranging from harsh criticisms like Planet of the Complete Bloody Psychopaths to the slightly less harsh Some thoughts on the Gorean Scandal, apologist tracts In Defense Of Gor, fan favorite Slave Quotes, and sites dedicated to living the idealized 'Gorean lifestyle'. The latter often include illustrated articles showcasing "positions" for slave girls. The Kama Sutra these are not yet the illustrations are often just as gratuitous. Warning many are NSFW!

# To be concluded in part 2

Outlaw of Gor

2009-07-01T09:00:00.002-04:00

Year: 1989

Director: John 'Bud' Cardos

Cast: Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti, Jack Palance, et al.

Format Viewed: VHS

Run Time: 90 minutes

Recommended: Yes, but only if you haven't read the novels and are a fan of campy B-movies.

MPAA Rating: PG-13 (For fantasy violence and gratuitous hats.)

Gorean Fantasy: Despite assumptions based on the name this form of fantasy has very little- in fact it has next to nothing at all- to do with blood and gore. Rather this fantasy genre is about self-indulgent male oriented slave girl fantasy.

Premise: Tarl Cabot, like John Carter- the character Cabot is all too obviously based upon- is transported to a distant world where he has many fantastical adventures.

The Movie: As the movie begins sad sack Tarl Cabot is drowning his sorrows in a bar with an nimrod friend when his ring starts to glow. Before you can say Holy Batsh*t a flashback of scenes from the first movie plays. As Mr. Morose was not having much fun getting drunk Cabot decides it's time for he and his chum to depart. After hopping into his car and experiencing some cheesy fake lightning effects Cabot and nimrod sidekick wake up in a desert; again with no car in evidence. Cabot is way too excited about waking up in a desert. Conversely his friend whines on and on for what seems like twenty minutes then, for no apparent logical reason, a group of desert nomads- wielding obviously store bought bows no less- appear over a dune and attack! Of course Cabot's nimrod sidekick is totally useless. .

After this ludicrous staged "fight"- in which a day actor can actually be seen dropping his bow from horseback as he starts to fall before Cabot lays a single hand on him- the pair of bumbling buffoons manage to get away and find a city. Actually it's supposed to be some sort of merchant tent-city but the illusion of the would be heroes walking in off the desert is ruined as a farming kibbutz (complete with freshly plowed furrows) can actually be seen in the top of one frame. .

Someone asks them who they are, Cabot gives his name, which leads to a bunch of people yelling "Cabot!" as if they're Lou Costello. (If by some miracle you got that reference that's a example of how dated the gags in this movie are.) Outlaw of Gor tries so hard to be humorous there are times it'll leave you thinking someone had to be two sheets away from brain dead drunk when they filmed this. That any could have actually thought this nonsense was funny is proof drugs impair judgment.

By the way at this point we're actually only 11 minutes into the movie, though it feels more like 111 minutes, and there is only more excruciating lameness ahead. But if you can withstand the juvenile dialogue Outlaw of Gor does have dancing girls. Watching their swanlike display of rhythmic dancing and bold strutting will leave you wondering why these movies have been neglected by the DVD market. Sure the story is about as contrived as a loincloth clad barbarian swinging a bastard sword at a necromancer in a tropical jungle but the dancers are a feast for the eyes and worth the price of admission.

Otherwise Outlaw's laughs derive from the vagaries of low budget filmmaking, such as incongruous costuming and dialogue so bad that, despite giving their best over the top performances, the actors look painfully embarrassed. In short this is a gem of low budget pseudo sword-and-sorcery schlock that makes the Deathstalker movies look like meaningful social commentary scripted by Aristophanes.

Analysis: What does a PG-13 rated Gor sequel get you? An shockingly milksop movie that's so absurd it's unintentionally funny. Yet, sadly, is no closer to being proper Gorean Fantasy than Fantasia. Though it does have a slave market. .

Lots of funny hats and shiny bikini tops. .

And ridiculous dialogue. .

Tarl Cabot: Those Priest-Kings are very dangerous. They have . . unknown powers.

Verdict: See review of GOR.

Availability: Sadly Outlaw of Gor is only available on VHS

#End of Line

GOR

2009-06-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

Year: 1988

Director: Fritz Kiersch

Cast: Oliver Reed, Jack Palance, Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti, et al.

Format Viewed: VHS

Run Time: 95 minutes

Recommended: Yes, but only if you haven't read the novels and are a fan of campy B-movies.

MPAA Rating: PG (For fantasy violence and graphic depictions of crazy hats.)

Premise: Tarl Cabot, like John Carter- the character Cabot is all too obviously based upon- is transported to a distant world where he has many fantastical adventures.

The Movie: Professor Tarl Cabot is giving a lecture about a magic ring and the legend associated with it. In fact he drones on and on about this ring and what it's supposed magical powers are. Cut to the professor in his car. As he's driving away a storm kicks up, the professor loses control, and the next thing you know it's WHAM!

The professor wakes up on what appears to be coarse gravel. As the professor gets up and looks around it's sudden shocked realization time. For as far as the eye can see all there is to see is desert. Did he die and go to hell? Is this a concussion induced hallucination? Where the heck is his car?

Before we can fully question what's going on Tarl wanders upon a village, or maybe it's a town, we see it from a distance so it's hard to tell. Again, before the audience can fully question what's going on, we see said town is under attack! Fires are set, men are killed, women run frantically to and fro, and amidst the chaos a single female warrior stands valiantly before a crimson colored stone battling all who dare approach her.

It's obvious that this female warrior is important because we keep seeing her between cut scenes. Alas not even her best Red Sonja impression can help her now. There's just too many enemy warriors. Ultimately they overwhelm her and the other defenders, and this is only the beginning of the movie!

Alas Gor doesn't keep this action packed pace throughout. It has it's moments, a Sapphic tavern brawl here, a bevy of scantily clad dancing girls there, a glimpse of a slave auction, alas the dull plodding drone of the cliché riddled plot gives us a movie that is easy on the eyes but hard on the ears. Nor do the problems end there. Here's a sample of dialogue:

Tarl Cabot: Hey, what is this place?

Talena: It's a tavern.

In case you're wondering if the character is really THAT stupid: Yes, yes he is.

That's Tarl in the "tavern" and the entire time he wears one expression on his face: befuddled buffoon. Granted part of that may be due to the cheapness of the sets and ridiculous scenario and costumes but. .

Assessment: Gor is supposed to be an adaptation of the semi-popular and controversial novel, Tarnsman of Gor, by John Norman; the nom deplume of one John Lange Jr. If you've ever heard anything about the Gor novels this movie will probably baffle you. If you haven't ever heard of the novels not to worry, this movie has not relation to them beyond the use of a few character names and the use of the title. While technically science fantasy; being about a college professor that gets "magically" whisked away to an distant alternate world; Gor plays more like a sword and sorcery feature complete with swords, sandals, and low budget sorcery. Yet, for an 80s era sword-and-sorcery, movie Gor is very tame. Almost disappointingly so.

Verdict: For an adaptation of a sword-and-sorcery novel Gor does not have much of the magical in it. The movie lacks even the rudimentary sense of enchantment found in Conan the Barbarian or the truly fantastical found in Hercules in the Haunted World. The special effects are sporadic and less impressive than those found in similar movies like Steel Dawn or The Adventures of Hajji Baba thus rendering Gor barely half as good as either of those movies. Yet it spawned a sequel: OUTLAW OF GOR.

Sadly GOR is only available on: VHS

#End of Line

Reflections on Barsoom, Part 3

2009-06-26T01:38:00.005-04:00

3. The Naked Truth of Mars

If the past is prologue Disney, currently helming the John Carter of Mars project, is not likely to rush to take up the baton of aboriginal rights. This studio ran like a scared cat to the editing room to alter a brief segment from Fantasia that featured cartoon Centaurettes. The fact faux nudity and/or characterizations of fantasy creatures in a cartoon bothered anyone would be funny, if it weren't so ridiculous. But, to be fair, that anyone felt a cartoon required editing for content is a sign of shifting attitudes. What once didn't raise an eyebrow several decades ago becomes scandalous, or politically incorrect, today and so too might attitudes that obtain today seem archaic or puritanical decades from now.

How non-Aboriginal cultures treat depictions of aboriginal cultures often reveal far more about the non-Aboriginal culture than the true state of the aborigines themselves. One need look no further than documentaries aired on channels like PBS, Discovery, History, The Learning Channel, et al to see how such programs come saddled with warnings about "indigenous nudity" and, more often than not, blurring and digital fogging. Yet the MPAA rubberstamps movies depicting amoral violence in which it's okay (by their standards) to display eviscerated human bodies and internal organs yet, unbelievably, insanely, a woman's bared breast or buttocks must be blotted out as verboten to see. What this says about our culture, and it's self-anointed blowhard watchdogs, is too disturbing to contemplate here.

Nudity, in and of itself, is neither salacious nor provocative. Nor is it pornographic or erotic. It merely is. One does not become any less human, or worthy of dignity, because one has disrobed or lacks apparel. If this were the case no one would ever take off their clothes to bathe. We are born naked, not wearing burkas. Strip us of our trappings of culture and civilization and we become little more than naked apes, do we not?

Such reflections are at the core of the Barsoom novel series. For while nude John Carter is never truly naked, for he retains his wit. Edgar Rice Burroughs novels remind us it is intellect, not clothing, or trappings of civilization, that separate mankind from primates. Yet another reason for the lack of clothing on Barsoom, besides lack of resources for extensive textile manufacture, may be environmental. Extremes of heat and humidity may make it impractical for a primitive culture- or a culture with limited agricultural resources teetering on the brink of collapse, as is the case on Barsoom- to have more than rudimentary and crude textiles. Yet this does not preclude the use of skins or furs. Such certainly seems to be the case on Barsoom, or so we can extrapolate based on the following passage from Warlord of Mars:

The moment we entered the city Talu threw off his outer garments of fur, as did we, and I saw that his apparel differed but little from that of the red races of Barsoom. Except for his leathern harness, covered thick with jewels and metal, he was naked, nor could one have comfortably worn apparel in that warm and humid atmosphere.

Remember the examples of Frazetta's artwork? They're relatively timid and decorous in comparison to the reality of Barsoom as writ. And this is what Disney is planning to adapt into a movie? It doesn't make sense. Already the speculation is circulating with articles like `John Carter of Mars': Will It Dethrone `Twilight' As The Best Romance Flick? Viz:

"While “Twilight” fends off “True Blood” for supremacy over the vampire romance market, the Stephenie Meyer-penned series might have an unlikely lovelorn competitor to contend with — the newly announced “John Carter of Mars” starring Taylor Kitsch could well be Hollywood’s next romantic hit."

As are concerns such as: Disney to Fast Track John Carter of Mars Film:

John Carter is about as Disneyfiable as Tarzan is: In other words, not very. Worse, John Carter was a filthy Confederate reb. That's part and parcel of the character, and while Carter never really shows any racist tendencies in the novel (he does, after all, get along exceedingly well with both the green and red men of Mars), it's an integral part of his character, part of what makes him unique. Disney would whitewash that. And it's hard to believe Pixar would do justice to the visceral bloodshed, violence and carnage of Burroughs' classic martian pulp novels.

The worry is Disney will treat this like the typical Hollywood "property" and hire a hack to make-up their own story, slap the Barsoom name on it, and thus exploit Edgar Rice Burroughs novels to make a quick buck. The marketing possibilities if Disney turns this into a costume epic ala Pirates of the Caribbean, as the director already has indicated is the plan, are extensive. The money Disney could potentially rake in on product tie-ins with clothing lines, T-shirts targeted at 'tweens, fast food chains, action figures and their accessories, Halloween costumes, and plush toys shamelessly targeted at children will likely be phenomenal.

Alas, with the director announcing, before shooting so much as a single frame of film, this will be rated PG-13, and a PG-13 'tween flick at that, John Carter of Mars isn't likely to qualify as a faithful representation of Edgar Rice Burroughs Barsoom. It may be a pallid Goldkey version but not likely the Barsoom of A Princess of Mars. This may have critics crying foul and asking if Disney hasn't purchased their MPAA rating and that's why the project, which has languished in limbo for decades, is suddenly getting "fast tracked". There's lots of money at stake, yet so too is the literary vision of Edgar Rice Burroughs.

If Disney follows the usual pattern licensed products will be pushed into retail stores all across the country as part of the marketing blitz leading up to the release of the feature film. If we're lucky this may include new deluxe editions of the novels. And, this being Disney, there may even be a John Carter of Mars ride at Disneyland. That could be fun. But Barsoom isn't a carnival funhouse, it's not a joyride, nor should it be portrayed as such.

Studios buy the rights to something and (too often) just ignore the source material and make up an entirely different story, slap on the title of the "property" and wait for the suckers to buy tickets. It's repulsive. But it's business as usual in Hollywood. Yet, if you were to pull this kind of shell game in the food industry by advertising, say, salmon on your menu but serving catfish instead you'd be put out of business and probably fined, if not thrown into jail. Is it that Hollywood doesn't care? They say they respect authors' and their work, yet the movies they produce say otherwise. It's mind-boggling.

So what if Disney isn't likely to have the moral courage to present a candid and true representation of the aboriginals of Barsoom. They're a corporation, not cultural anthropologists. Should we hate them for wanting to make money? It's not like Disney is in the business of shaking kids down for their lunch money. At least there is going to be some version of Barsoom on the big screen, that's a good thing, right?

For those interested in the real Barsoom the full text of the novel "A Princess of Mars" can be downloaded from these sites: Project Gutenberg, Books Should be Free, and can be read online here: http://www.hoboes.com/FireBlade/Texts/Princess/. Those looking for more information on Barsoom or the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs should visit the following sites: Barsoom, Barsoomia, Official Edgar Rice Burroughs Tribute and Weekly Webzine Site, or The Robert E. Howard United Press Association. There's also some old concept art for Set Sketches for John Carter of Mars (1970's version), More John Carter, More JCOM, here's a page of Rare Unreleased John Carter of Mars Illustrations and, of course, there's always the artwork of Julie Bell and Boris Vellejo:

# End of Line

Reflections on Barsoom, Part 2

2009-06-24T01:51:00.006-04:00

2. The Artistic Vision of Mars

Art reflects not only the mores and attitudes of the culture in which it is produced but reflects the sensibilities of the times in which it was created. While most readers familiar with the Barsoom novels may envision Edgar Rice Burroughs' hero, John Carter, and his adventures on Mars as portrayed in the artwork of Frank Frazetta:

That work represents but one artistic vision of Barsoom. Yet a quick Google for "Princess of Mars" turns up an ad containing this iconic model kit representation of Dejah Thoris:

Look for fan art online and this is an example of what you'll find:

Obviously that's inspired by master illustrator Frank Frazetta's work. Thus this artistic vision of Barsoom has obtained as the popular one. Granted times, and cultural mores, change. A Princess of Mars was first published circa 1912 as a multi-part serial in All-Story magazine. And it was portrayed quite differently way back when:

Yet it is Frazetta's work which is remembered for it more faithfully captures Barsoom as written in the novels. Yet even Frazetta's art was somewhat inhibited. For comparison here's an example of fan art for the character Dejah Thoris:

Actually, as you may have noticed, this particular character is far more prominent in the artwork than is the titular hero. Dejah Thoris has become an iconic figure, so no pressure on the director or actors, yet if fans don't get something like. .

Or perhaps. .

Or maybe even something like. .

The 'fan boys' will probably really get nasty, though not without just cause. Disney is synonymous will family friendly entertainment. That begs the question: What are they doing buying the rights to a pulp adventure series in which the characters seem to be either naked or half naked most of the time? Viz.

I looked first at my lifeless clay there upon the floor of the cave and then down at myself in utter bewilderment; for there I lay clothed, and yet here I stood but naked as at the minute of my birth.

Naked and unarmed as I was, I had no desire to face the unseen thing which menaced me.

With the exception of their ornaments all were naked.

She was as destitute of clothes as the green Martians who accompanied her; indeed, save for her highly wrought ornaments she was entirely naked, nor could any apparel have enhanced the beauty of her perfect and symmetrical figure.

There are two ways to interpret this. The characters are either totally nude or they aren't. Naked can imply defenseless, unprotected, exposed, or without covering (as of hair or fur). The word's meaning depends on context. In the above the context is clear, it's used in reference to a character without apparel or clothing. Yet, as typical of many primitive cultures with limited textile resources, they are not entirely lacking ornamental adornments; thus in the context of their culture they are neither naked nor nude. It is only through the prism of our own culture that they appear so.

So why did the author portray the aboriginal inhabitants of Mars this way at all? Surely he must have been aware of this fact?

Indeed he was!

The characters are 'nude' in the novels not for salacious effect but because nudity was, once upon a time, viewed as being metaphoric for a return to an Eden-like state of primal grace. Yet the author also knew that their was a fine line between the "noble naked savage" and the merely "naked savage" and thus it is left to the reader to make their own mind up about the nature of the natives of Mars. Alas, in our contemporary society of the relative present, expressions of sexuality have fallen victim to politically correct fascism. In the lemming rush to judgment nudity has become viewed by purveyors of dogmatic Political Correctness as salacious and impure. This poses a dilemma since the main alien antagonists, a race of being called Tharks, and indeed most of the inhabitants of Barsoom, don't really wear clothes. Then again neither does every culture on our own planet. Witness the following images of Xingu natives of the Amazon river basin in Brazil:

Despite elements of modern influence in their dress their traditional ceremonial garb remains rather minimal, aside from body paint/tatoo art and beads. .

But are they nude or merely naked? Perhaps they are neither. There has always existed a double standard where depictions of aboriginal cultures in their so-called "native state" exist. Edgar Rice Burroughs pulled no punches with his writing about the aborigines of Barsoom, which is perhaps why his novels are so well received. They possess a reality as gritty and candid as any National Geographic article about native cultures. Alas few Hollywood studious have the moral, or intestinal, fortitude to stand up and treat aboriginals and their culture, even fictionalized representations, with the respect they deserve.

But what does this mean for the John Carter of Mars movie adaptation?

# to be concluded in Part 3

Reflections on Barsoom, Part 1

2009-06-22T01:22:00.007-04:00

"This piece is something of a follow-up to last weeks John Carter of Mars is GO! examining certain concerns about the announced movie adaptation. It really began as a reply to a comment and just sort of ballooned into an full on article. While a bit long and dry in places I hope it isn't a entirely dull read. - KP

1. The Harsh Reality of Mars

If memory serves there's been talk of adapting Edgar Rice Burroughs' Barsoom novels for the big screen for quite some time, the first almost-was production being an animated feature circa the 1930s then the almost-was Ray Harryhausen version discussed circa the 1980s. Paramount also had the rights circa 2000, but nothing much came of their attempt either. There may have been other aborted projects but these seem to be the best known almost-got-made attempts. So what's the hold up? What's the difficulty?

Perhaps the biggest obstacle are the novels themselves. These are old school pulp science fiction written not just in a time before political correctness but in a era when ideas about utopianism, naturism, socialism, eugenics (betterment of the species through selective breeding and/or genetic enhancement), and progressivism were being explored. Too, herein are aliens that are truly alien- not merely humans dressed up in bad costumes with prosthetic foreheads- and unabashed sexism. Or rather what the post-PC world would view as sexism. The hero, John Carter, is the epitome of what contemporary post-modern feminists would derogatorily refer to as an testosterone fueled chauvinistic male.

Why are these problems? Aside from the potentially awkward "politically incorrect" aspects there has been a shift in our social mores and attitudes. John Carter comes from an era when men were expected to be men, meaning self-reliant individuals who think for themselves and bow to no one. That's quite a departure from the prevailing mentality in our contemporary genuflecting victim culture. Too, the Tharks pose unique challenges all their own as they look like this:

Easy to do in animation or a CGI environment but difficult to do in a live-action movie. And that's just one of many strange looking creatures inhabiting Barsoom. Which explains why Pixar is involved.

Burroughs' Martians also seem to be an idealized eugenic society presaging the current trends in "green" eco-progressivism demanding the exertion of control over not merely the environment, per se, but how humanity lives (and dies) within it. Witness the following passage from A Princess of Mars:

I do not mean that the adult Martians are unnecessarily or intentionally cruel to the young, but theirs is a hard and pitiless struggle for existence upon a dying planet, the natural resources of which have dwindled to a point where the support of each additional life means an added tax upon the community into which it is thrown.

By careful selection they rear only the hardiest specimens of each species, and with almost supernatural foresight they regulate the birth rate to merely offset the loss by death.

Each adult Martian female brings forth about thirteen eggs each year, and those which meet the size, weight, and specific gravity tests are hidden in the recesses of some subterranean vault where the temperature is too low for incubation. Every year these eggs are carefully examined by a council of twenty chieftains, and all but about one hundred of the most perfect are destroyed out of each yearly supply. At the end of five years about five hundred almost perfect eggs have been chosen from the thousands brought forth. These are then placed in the almost air-tight incubators to be hatched by the sun's rays after a period of another five years. The hatching which we had witnessed today was a fairly representative event of its kind, all but about one per cent of the eggs hatching in two days. If the remaining eggs ever hatched we knew nothing of the fate of the little Martians. They were not wanted, as their offspring might inherit and transmit the tendency to prolonged incubation, and thus upset the system which has maintained for ages and which permits the adult Martians to figure the proper time for return to the incubators, almost to an hour.

The incubators are built in remote fastnesses, where there is little or no likelihood of their being discovered by other tribes. The result of such a catastrophe would mean no children in the community for another five years. I was later to witness the results of the discovery of an alien incubator.

While the term eugenics has become disused or carefully tiptoed around this is only because when taken to it's extreme it can become a dogmatic doctrine of racial purity. Such a doctrine was espoused by Nazi eugenicists, but then any science taken to extremes can become sinister. It is important to remember that Mr. Burroughs was not alone in writing about such thematic issues in his novels and that they were written long before the Nazi's came to power in Germany. Nor does the fact John Carter was a officer of the Confederacy bear any greater implications beyond the facts as laid out in the opening chapter of A Princess of Mars; namely that our would be hero finds himself destitute and adrift:

At the close of the Civil War I found myself possessed of several hundred thousand dollars (Confederate) and a captain's commission in the cavalry arm of an army which no longer existed; the servant of a state which had vanished with the hopes of the South. Masterless, penniless, and with my only means of livelihood, fighting, gone, I determined to work my way to the southwest and attempt to retrieve my fallen fortunes in a search for gold.

John Carter, formerly Captain of the Army of Virginia, was thus a man who found himself handed the shit end of fortune's stick yet managed to turn it around to his advantage. These facts form the thread from which the world of Barsoom was woven. Pull one out, white wash the facts, or substitute other threads and it is no longer Edgar Rice Burroughs Barsoom.

The current Barsoom project, tentatively titled John Carter of Mars, was first announced sometime circa 2006 or 2007, after Disney acquired the rights from Paramount, and, needless to say, this has had numerous actors and directors attached to it over the years. But, if the news from last week is any indication, it seems Disney/Pixar has finally decided to green light the project. More than that it appears this is planned to be a trilogy. But will it be Edgar Rice Burroughs Barsoom that makes it to the big screen?

One can only hope this adaptation wont be turned into some ludicrous, nonsensical, piece of garbage aimed at ADD riddled 'tweens and thus avoid the fate that befell the Land of the Lost movie. Alas this is Disney and Hollywood, where the odds that any adaptation will be faithful to the source material are slim to none. That may be a cynical view but then Hollywood is a cynical town. Then again considering this is also a Pixar movie that means there should be some potentially awesome CGI, I say potentially because Pixar does animated movies well but it remains to be seen how well they will be able to integrate their work into a live-action feature. Hopefully they'll do the VFX very well.

Despite this silver lining the fact remains it's a Disney production. One can't help but despair that what will be produced is a dumbed down, white washed, politically correct version of Barsoom. How much of the Barsoom found in Mr. Burroughs' novels will actually make it onto the screen? Sadly given the current trend to pander to the 'tween demographic with tweaked-out adventures one can only hope the worst that will be done is John Carter of Mars will be turned into a action adventure comedy with a romance subplot.

# to be continued in Part 2

The Thing Below

2009-06-18T02:23:00.000-04:00

Year: 2004

Director: Jim Wynorski

Cast: Billy Warlock, Kurt Max Runte, Catherine Lough Haggquist, Peter Graham-Gaudreau, Warren Christie, Kiara Hunter, David Richmond-Peck, Colin Lawrence, Jim Thorburn, Craig Brunanski, Julie Hill, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

AKA: Sea Ghost/ Ghost Rig 2

MPAA Rating: R

Score Card:

Premise: An pathetically cheap looking CGI tentacle creature-alien-monster-mutant something gets loose in a oil rig/secret military lab/ship board corporate research facility someplace and kills a bunch of people then other people get sent in to deal with-find-recover something and the mutant-alien-crazed monster whatever starts killing/stalking/eating/mating with their corpses/G-d knows what.

The Reality: THE THING BELOW plays like an awful, ineffective, plodding, illogical, and utterly pointless knock-off/remake of DEEP EVIL.

The Story: Until recently I thought the worst movies ever produced were made by the Polonia Brothers, but those are relatively competent no-budget productions in comparison to this phoned in ineptitude. As the movie starts and the titles roll we are treated to library stock footage of naval vessels. This is used to establish an ethereal military relationship before the credits cut to a storm tossed ship wherein a gaggle of idiots decide...

At the height of a hurricane-like storm no less, to move an super-ultra-amazingly dangerous container. .

A container holding the super-ultra-amazingly dangerous what-the-hell-ever. As if that wasn't retarded enough they even DROP said container (after a character comments on how bad it would be if they dropped it). .

And then proceed to stand around like stoned monkeys staring on in dim-witted confusion. (Actually stoned monkeys would have enough sense to fling their own poop at the critter.) Even The Asylum would be ashamed to release a movie this ill conceived. THE THING BELOW isn't just a fillip on the ear of reason it's an visual frontal lobotomy. From here on it only gets worse. The first 40 minutes are a listless vacuum of purpose. .

It's very obvious the cast was in this strictly for the money/screen credit/ craft services table/because someone had nude pictures of them. Speaking of nudity the filmmakers obviously realized what utter worthless shite they were working with and decided to try to distract the audience with a strip tease (about 38 minutes too late). .

Assessment: Words fail. Seriously this movie is the bastard child of inbred morons from the planet Ludicrous. The premise is clichéd, the plot ill defined, and the movie itself a complete and total bore. Which is astounding considering how much inane exposition the characters bring the movie to a screeching halt to recite. Bad enough THING BELOW contains a slurry of regurgitated stock footage, most of which can be seen in such prime z-grade action flicks as AGENT RED, CURSE OF THE KOMODO, and, believe it or not, DEEP EVIL. .

Verdict: This is essentially the cinematic version of a mad lib with the director filling in gaps between recycled footage. According to IMDB it took three writers to come up with this plebian silliness, at least one of which also worked on DEEP EVIL. Three writers and it's still inept garbage! If bad movies were a medieval village THE THING BELOW would be a murdered leper buried in it's dung heap. To say this "movie" appears to have been edited together from an motley assortment of library stock footage, scenes rescued/lifted from other DTV projects, and held together by the loose rubber band of a script written on rolling papers would be like calling a Category 5 hurricane a little bit of bad weather.

Caveat Emptor THE THING BELOW is available on: DVD

# End of Line

John Carter of Mars is GO!

2009-06-17T11:06:00.004-04:00

But will you want to watch it?

This news item has been percolating for some time. But as there have been announcements before that came to nothing I decided to take a wait-and-see approach. Seems, this time, the news may be more than mere pipedream rumor. Long story short the long awaited John Carter of Mars movie is finally a go. The bad news: It's going to be a Disney production. According to Screen Crave: "The director is leaning towards an older target audience, and expects the movie to be rated PG-13."

In other words it's going to be another dumbed down piece of 'tween targeted drivel. But then we already knew Hollywood was probably going to rape this "property", so don't expect a faithful adaptation; the novels are too politically incorrect for that. But maybe the director, Andrew Stanton (Wall-E, Nemo), is intelligent enough to realize such target audience pandering didn't work for Land of the Lost and come to his senses. Wouldn't you much rather hear a director talk about how faithful an adaptation he's going to make? The man's not even started shooting and he's already more worried about target demographics than shooting a faithful adaptation of the novels. Such is the way of Hollyweird; business first filmmaking last.

As for the cast so far it includes Taylor Kitsch (as John Carter), Lynn Collins (as Dejah Thoris) and, according to Screen Rant, Thomas Haden Church in an as yet to be identified role. The movie is slated to begin production either sometime in 2010 or this November, depending on which article you want to believe.

For more info see the articles at Screen Rant, Hollywood Reporter, MTV Movies Blog, Reel Talk, Screen Crave, KSL, and Slash Films.

# End of Line

Gemma Arterton "Clash of the Titans" update

2009-06-16T10:51:00.002-04:00

Seems there's some minor buzz about pictures from the set of Clash of the Titans being posted to actress Gemma Arterton's website. Not much of real substance in the online articles so I'll just briefly recap what's known so far. The current U.S. release date for Clash of the Titans is listed as March 26, 2010. It's a remake/re-envisioning of the 1981 movie. Louis Leterrier (The Incredible Hulk, Transporter 2) is the working director. Cast includes Sam Worthington as Persues, Liam Neeson as Zeus, Ralph Fiennes as Hades, and a whole lot of other people you've probably never heard of filling in various other roles. And what's Gemma Arterton's role?

This from actress Gemma Arterton's official website: "I'm playing a demi-goddess named Io. It's going to be a huge ensemble piece with loads of characters. The original was one of my favourites when I was a kid. The script is quite different from the previous film, though." (Read full comments here.)

Some pics of the actress as Io from her site:

There's also scans of a UK Empire magazine article about the movie to be found in the site's Clash of the Titans galleries. If you're looking for some real information about the movie I'd recommend the article Sam Worthington Talks Clash of the Titans, Avatar posted at Screen Rant in which the actor is quoted as saying: "We’ve done two weeks…We took on the Medusa. We’ve took on the witches. Next week we’ve got to take on the Scorpius and then we go and f*cking kill the Kraken." Classy. There's also a interesting article up at ScreenCrave, Two Join Clash of the Titans Remake, that's a bit dated but has some interesting snippets of character information.

# End of Line

Star Runners

2009-06-14T19:30:00.000-04:00

Year: 2009

Director: Mat King

Cast: Connor Trinneer, James Kyson Lee, Toni Trucks, Aja Evans, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

Rating: TV-14 (LSV)

Premise: In a far distant future two "Runners", being cargo haulers who operate within the "gray area" of legality, are cajoled by officials of the U.P. (United Planets) into picking up a "crate" which turns out to contain something far more unusual, and sought after, than even these veteran smugglers expected.

The Reality: A quaint space opera throwback whose first few minutes has the feel of an episode of FIREFLY or STARHUNTER but quickly evolves into a laid back action-adventure hybrid of PITCH BLACK and STARSHIP TROOPERS.

The Movie: This was the Sci-Fi Channel "original" movie for Saturday June 14, 2009 and stars Connor Trinneer, who played Trip in ENTERPRISE; and James Kyson Lee, Ando from HEROES.

The plot of STAR RUNNERS is reminiscent of SERENITY sans the "Reavers" but retaining an shadowy corporate-government-military organization worried about maintaining the lid on one of it's secret cover-ups. .

Alas the background universe is not as well developed here as in either FIREFLY or STARHUNTER. There's mention of an "underground" though who or what they're fighting against isn't entirely clear. One assumes the 'verse STAR RUNNERS inhabits is supposed to be similar to that of FIREFLY and STARHUNTER but that's pure conjecture. There's mention of a "U.P." but it's never explained who or what this organization is, though at one point there is mention of a "United Planets" so one assumes they're the equivalent to the Alliance or Federation from Star Trek. There's also a mysterious female, Asta, found in a cryogenic shipping container- just like River from FIREFLY- around whom the story more or less revolves.

Nor do the similarities end there. Seems River, I mean Asta, is being hunted by shadowy corporate-military goons that want to keep her from spilling the beans about what happened on Miranda, er, Alpha Centari 3 or some such. However Asta was not victim of sinister medical experiments, rather she's more of a evolutionary mutation, a super human with preternatural ability ala Leeloo from FIFTH ELEMENT, so I guess that means she has the Divinity Cluster gene? (If you got that reference give yourself a Dr. Pepper!)

And that's just explaining the set-up for the characters! Long story short the Runners are forced to transship their "item" via civilian starliner. Said craft is attacked, the pilots knocked-out, our erstwhile Han Solo anti-heroes forced to take the helm and hyper jump into uncharted space where the vessel crashes on a planet. Here the plot becomes something of a crazed amalgam of PITCH BLACK and STARSHIP TROOPERS.

Assessment: This is a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Why it was labeled TV-14 LSV is beyond me as it seemed tame. The dialogue is suggestive of a good movie and nothing more, the only real violence was against CGI creatures that were about as realistic as the CGI critters in a FPS shooter from a decade ago, and there was no overt sexuality. That said I've been ignoring Sci-Fi original movies for a while. So I was rather surprised to see SERENITY listed on my menu as playing on Sci-Fi followed by a Sci-Fi original movie called STAR RUNNERS. It sounded like a space opera adventure. I was hooked!

There is a reason the Sci-Fi channel had SERENITY playing before this movie. And that reason, I feel, is because this has the feel of a fan boy's homage to that movie and the series it was based on. Alas the CGI is typical of a Sci-Fi Channel production. .

Which is to say it's fairly bad. You can take a screen cap of a creature in a scene from any Ray Harryhausen movie and it will look like something. The above is just an amorphous smudge. But which is more embarrassing the above or the below. .

How's that for a CGI knock-off of the Battlestar Galactica! It actually looks a lot better when viewed during playback. Don't worry. The movie didn't end with everyone getting killed off. Believe it or not the movie leaves itself open to a sequel, or potential series, though it's doubtful anything will come of it. Shame as Connor Trinneer does very well in the role of congenial yet no-nonsense space smuggler.

Verdict: There's two ways to look at this movie, kindly and with a hypercritical eye. The kind reviewer will note how this appears to be a homage to a number of series and movies and, while a bit slow at times, seems to be a movie made by those with a sincere love for the genre. The hyper-critical reviewer will note how the opening titles use the Battlestar Galactica font and use this as a launching point to rail against the director, producers, CGI/VFX. .

And blame the post production team for lack of originality while lambasting the Sci-Fi channel for airing such clichéd yada-yada-yada. True, the plot may not have been any more imaginative than titling a movie BATTLE PLANET and while the dialogue was a bit lame in places there was also good dialogue and dialogue delivered lamely. However this is not a terrible movie. Yes, some things could have been handled better, like Asta's reveal, but a good critic will realize why it was done the way it was. To do it any other way would have people griping about the movie copying FIREFLY.

However the pacing could have been better but the movie didn't have me rolling my eyes and wanting to channel surf to see what else was on until about the one and a half hour mark when the "shaky cam" effect started to become annoying and the CGI started to get overused. STAR RUNNERS could have been an unused script for STARHUNTER or FIREFLY turned into a feature length film but it feels more like this was a fan boys love letter to the space opera genre. Otherwise, aside from the annoying vagueness of the back story, this is okay viewing for a evening in which you have nothing better to do. Those who aren't fans of sci-fi and space opera with a low tolerance for campy borderline lame drama should probably avoid this one.

# End of Line

New Director tapped for Conan feature film!

2009-06-12T16:46:00.001-04:00

According to reports online here, here, and here Director Marcus Nispel, in what Variety calls a move "ending a nine-year development ordeal to reinvent the Robert E. Howard-created barbarian," will now helm the Conan the Barbarian (or whatever they plan to call it) movie project for Nu Image/Millennium/Lionsgate.

Who is Marcus Nispel?

Wired dot com calls him an "master of gory reboots". Reboots? Ah, yes, he's the one responsible for the remakes of Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Haven't seen either movie. Heard one sucked harder than the black hole at galactic center while the other was dull, dreary, and totally unnecessary. Forget which was which. Of course you have to take such comments with a grain of salt these days as remakes almost never compare well to the original movies, even when they're fairly decent flicks in their own right.

Variety reports the remake is set to start filming sometime later this year in Bulgaria and South Africa "with a script by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, whose credits include 'Sahara' and 'Cowboys and Aliens'." Cowboys and Aliens? Never heard of it. And what sort of a vision of Conan can we expect this director to bring?

Again, per Variety, "Nispel said he will blend his childhood imaginings of the character with the influence of the famous Conan illustrations by Frank Frazetta, and the influence of such viscerally violent period films as Mel Gibson's 'Apocalypto'."

Say what? Apocalypto? That plodding, asinine, dull, intense, blood spattered, nudity filled, crazed smack upside the head of a neo-historical epic? This is what the director is citing as an influence? Well, as far as directors go, Mel Gibson is not that bad I suppose. At least Nispel isn't enamored of the works of Uwe Boll. And, like the guy at the MTV blog commented. .

"Say what you will about Mel Gibson and his headline-worthy antics, but “Apocalypto” really could be a perfect model for “Conan.” Bizarre make-up effects, brutal warfare and exotic locales? Sounds like the ideal road map for an epic “Conan” movie to us."

Could be good. Could be bad. Just so long as it finally gets made!

For more on this developing story I direct you to the fine articles at Cinematical, Chud, Geeks of Doom, and of course Variety.

# End of Line

LAND OF THE LOST: A CONTINUATION

2009-06-11T12:28:00.007-04:00

The more comments I read online about Will Ferrel's LAND OF THE LOST movie the more I wonder what is really behind Hollywood's continuing master plan of buying established "properties" and turning them into dumbed-down formulaic drivel. Do they honestly believe the average Joe and Jane Doe are morons? Or is there perhaps something far more sinister going on here?

Put your tinfoil hats on boys and girls because a rant be a-coming! Got those tinfoil hats on? Excellent! As I was saying. .

It seems that with every remake and/or "re-envisioning" I read about the quality and content of the movies gets progressively worse. I use the word "progressive" advisedly as someone commented that this movie was progressive. Really? Now I'm no expert on politics (discussions of "the left" and "the right" and their purported differences and agendas confound me) but there was a progressive movement that took root around the early part of the 20^th century that; not unlike the National Socialist party (Nationalsozialismus) which came to power in Germany circa the late 1920s; had a master plan to foment economic, political, social, and moral change. In short this is social engineering. To grossly oversimplify the goal of a social engineer is to manipulate the masses to affect societal and/or geo-political change. How does one begin? Simple, by chipping away at the foundation of the established order.

Over time these cracks will weaken the foundation and the social engineer, who is following a master plan for slowly and deliberately changing the established order, will insert slivers into those cracks to widen them. This is plainly what's been going, not just here in the United States, but on a global scale for the past few decades. And, based on the comments I've been reading, Will Ferrell's movie may be the latest sliver intentionally inserted into those cracks.

Most of the commentary I've read seems to be saying that Hollywood has taken what was a naïve Saturday morning kids series with cheezy and dated VFX and turned it into a repository for juvenile bathroom humor, sexual innuendo, and brazenly targeted (inapporpriately) a movie that's totally lacking moral substance at a impressionable youth audience. The original series wasn't exactly Aesop's fables but it did end on a moralistic note most of the time. Apparently the Hollywood re-envisioning takes a great big dinosaur piss on morality and laughs about it while doing so. I'd say it's a shameful disgrace but Hollywood has no sense of shame. But it is yet another lost opportunity to create something worthwhile.

Thus, since Hollywood seems to not want to put forth the effort to make entertaining movies as they are apparently caught up in the cogs of some social engineer's master plan for destroying the established order of our society I've taken it upon myself to present a germ of what might have been. .

(Psst. You can take those tinfoil hats off now.)

* * *

Opening Scene: Xenoarchaeologist Stewart (male) & Cryptozoologist Temperence (female) visit the ranch of an elderly Marshall to interview him about an incident that happened in the Grand Canyon. They're interested in folklore about Egyptian tombs but discover something far more bizarre.

After much cajoling (and talking with Marshall's current wife) Marshall agrees to talk. .

Stewart: What do you remember?

Marshal: Not much. Will, Holly, and I were rafting. It was a beautiful day, Holly was using the new compassing I gave her. .

Temperence: Compass?

Marshall (laughing): Yes. I know it sounds silly, since we knew where we were, but it was a different time. I wanted Holly to know how to take care of herself and so I was teaching her all that I could, including how to use a compass.

Stewart: So there was nothing unusual then?

Marshall: I didn't say that.

Temperence and Stewart exchange glances.

Marshall: I remember Holly saying something about the compass not working right anymore then. . Then the entire canyon all around us began to shake. It was like being caught in the greatest earthquake ever known.

Temperence: Only there's no record of such a quake.

Marshall (face a mask of grief): Don't I know it.

Marshall's wife: That's enough. It's time for you two to. .

Marshall (holding up had): No, it's alright, I'll be alright. .

Stewart: Maybe we should come back some other. .

Marshall (face suddenly stern): I'm old. Not much time left, best I get this story out while I still can, while there's someone willing to listen. Look, I know there's not record of any quake, if you've done your research like you say you have you know I was found feverish and delirious several weeks and several hundred miles away from where our raftng journey began.

Fade to a montage scene recapping the series as a voice over begins leading into the familiar, yet different, LOTL theme song.

* * *

What Hollywood, in it's heinous desire to urinate on all that was good in the original series, failed to realize is they had a great opportunity here to create a continuation series of movies. The principle actors are, I believe, all still alive. The perfect setup would have been to pick-up the story these many years later. Their is a lot of interest in U.F.O. related folklore and enigmas, like cryptozoology, so all you'd really need is to find a hook. From what I've read they sort of use this as a hook, but in a back-handed manner. But I digress. .

The best hook is in the series itself. The family was rafting in a canyon. What canyon? Well let's call it the grand canyon. Anyone that's read a book like FORBIDDEN ARCHAEOLOGY or a magazine like ANCIENT AMERICAN knows there's plenty of "mysteries" out there for a script writer to exploit. The first hit in Google for the search parameters; "grand canyon" AND Egypt; was this: Grand Canyon - Egypt Connection. Another hit was this article: Ancient Egyptian Treasures In The Grand Canyon? And there's also this: An Archeological Whodunnit! - Egyptian Artifacts in the Grand Canyon.

Therefore our premise is a simple one: researchers researching the Grand Canyon mysteries go to meet with Marshall, as outlined above, and this sets them on a expedition whose journey leads them into the LAND OF THE LOST. Wherein they meet not a series of unfunny site gags but a perilous Lost World of strange fauna and unusual flora. A Lost World wherein we might encounter Will and/or Holly who perhaps rescue our would be xenon-archaeological explorers. Thus a grand adventure unfolds on screen drawing on themes from UFOlogy, myth, and folklore that's merely the first chapter of a new film franchise.

Alas this doesn't seem to be the route Hollywood chose. Based on the scathing critical reviews I've read (and the scenes they bombarded the public with on cable/TV as part of the ad campaign) they wanted fart jokes, sexual innuendo, gay site gags, and to depict the primitive Neanderthal-like Chaka as a pervert unable to control himself. Yeah, that's a nice one folks, they're basically saying primitives and primitive cultures are incapable of self-control. This is the same sort of crude "humor" the Nazi eugenicists used to vilify Jews. Is this really what Hollywood thinks is funny? Recycling the "humor" of racist hatred?

Yet, having not seen the movie, I have to step back, take a deep breath, and ask myself if it's really as bad as some have made the movie sound. I hope not. I really hope not.

# End of Line

Why no Carmilla movies from Hollywood?

2009-06-10T01:40:00.002-04:00

Hollywood. Motion picture remake capital of the world. Yet, with an endless supply of movies and scripts to reuse, their choices of late have been questionable at best. The blogosphere has been abuzz with critics and reviewers castigating the most recent theatrical debacle, Will Farrell's ill received LAND OF THE LOST. Alas Hollywood is a leviathan. Like Godzilla it is fierce and unstoppable with goals mere humans fail to comprehend. Surely the executive who greenlit LAND OF THE LOST probably assumed it would be a cakewalk to take some 70s era Saturday morning TV show (whose movie rights they probably picked up for a song and a dance) and hire some hack script writer to "re-envision" it by updating it to modern times and adapting it for that all-important 'tween demographic! C'mon a PG-13 low brow comedy starring Will Ferrel, how could you lose, right?

I'm sure that executive probably wished he'd greenlit some Alf, Saved By the Bell, The Facts of Life, Eight is Enough, Happy Days, Benson, or F Troop: The Movie instead. But she (or he) didn't so I'm going to dust off an old post and share an grand idea with Hollywood that's got EASY MONEY written all over it.

Since vampire themed movies and series seem to be "in" right now how about revisiting a Hammer Studios classic: The Karnstein Trilogy. You know, that series of movies about Sheriden Le Fanu's Carmilla? It's a literary classic. EASY MONEY!

More precisely what we are going to produce is a new three movie arc similar to the one put out by Hammer Studios. Remember vampires are "in" they're "hip" and "cool" and both adults and 'tweens love 'em! Better yet you can have your cake and eat it too. Film all the nudity and gore you want, edit it for theatrical release in both PG-13 and R versions. Milk that audience. Or, heck, just release it to theaters PG-13 then release the UNCENSORED super duper DIRECTOR'S CUT to a special edition DVD. EASY MONEY!

Thus, for your consideration, I present my take on re-Inventing the Hammer Karnstein Trilogy. Are you listening Hollywood?

First: Return to the source.

Second: Nix the pseudo-Satanic Devil worshipping mumbo-jumbo and replace it with psuedo-Occult mumbo-jumbo suited to the time period.

Third: Re-write the scripts as part of a larger interlinked story arc.

Fourth: Alter the line-up so "Twins of Evil" becomes the lead-in "prequel" movie of the trilogy. This will require a bit of rewriting as it needs to set the stage for "Vampire Lovers" and should provide some background for Carmilla, thus making her entry in "Vampire Lovers" part of her flight from the Witch/Vampire Hunters of Twins of Evil leaving Lust to become more of a suspense thriller ghost story.

Fifth: Any of the following actors who are still alive and willing to appear in a movie should be worked into these remakes via cameos, bit parts, &tc: Udo Kier, Dame Edna, Helen Mirren, Tom Baker, Paul Naschy, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, and any other genre regular I might have forgotten who'd be willing to appear.

That said you need name talent. But not just any name talent. We need someone in this that will pique an audiences curiosity, get them interested in the movie based just on the strenght of name recognition. That said here's one possible casting route. .

Of course it may be a bit tricky getting these gals to want to appear in such a movie franchise. You don't want to break the bank on actors salaries so, if they can't be convinced, you'll need a back-up plan. Which, EASY MONEY, should probably begin with a open casting call. Preferably looking for actual twins. You'll probably save money this way. I know, crazy idea, but it just might work!

Calm down. You can still hire models, if you must, but, EASY MONEY, you know how the game is played these days. Product placement is everything. Why not, say, get Hugh Hefner to PAY YOU to give his playmates a cameo. Talk about product placement! Wink, wink nudge, nudge.

All kidding aside, Hollywood, you really can do this thing. Yes you can. So let's get serious and begin with. .

Twins of Evil

Bring this closer in line with the facts established in the written story (which will really be what Vampire Lovers is about) as much as possible for a prequel. I've got a solid cast outlined that's sure to be a box office hit, might need to alter the story a little, but don't lose any of the salaciousness. Here we are introduced to Carmilla and at least two attendants, as there was a woman in the coach and a coach driver who must escape with her. Thus this can serve as the reason for her flight in the second movie.

Here's a sample cast, just to give you a general idea of what could be. Not saying there aren't better choices out there but, at present, these actors would probably be fairly decent choices. Besides I know you're probably jonesin' for a name recognition fix.

Gustav Weil. . . .Sean Bean
Dietrich. . . .Ben Kingsley
Maria Gellhorn. . . .Mary-Kate Olsen
Frieda Gellhorn. . . . Ashley Olsen
Ingrid Hoffer. . . .Claudia Black
Countess Mircalla. . . .Milla Jovovich
Count Karnstein. . . .Gil Bellows

The Vampire Lovers

Definitely keep the innocent Sapphic subtext but tighten the story up a bit here or there. Mainly by showing how alone Laura is so that the audience sympathizes with and better understands why she so readily welcomes Mircalla. It's that innocent hunger for friendship resulting from isolation and loneliness, in addition to Laura's naïveté, which Mircalla preys upon. That was something the original movie glossed over. Also the movie needs an new ending suitable as a set up for the final movie in the trilogy arc. Not too many changes otherwise, aside from fresh costuming and sets, of course.

General von Spielsdorf. . . .Pete Postlethwaite
Baron Joachim von Hartog. . . .Steve Railsback
Laura. . . .Alyson Hannigan
Mircalla Karnstein. . . .Milla Jovovich
Emma Morton. . . .Kirsten Dunst
The Governess. . . .Jennifer Aniston

Lust for a Vampire

A few changes. As in the original a young woman attends a boarding school however she is not Carmilla raised from the dead by blood ritual. Rather she is merely a possible Karnstein descendant (Clarmila) who becomes possessed by the spirit of Carmilla. Similarly Giles, rather than being some satanic acolyte, now merely becomes an older man desperate to hold onto life who, through a series of events, learns of the true nature of the spirit possessing Clarmila and seeks to help the spirit take over her body en total so that he might become immortal. Too, more time should be spent developing the school setting, specifically the teachers, their classes, and student interactions. Thus this version is played more as a suspense thriller perhaps in the Suspira vein with lots of misdirection as to what's really going on. Viz. Clarmila may not be Carmilla but what if her classmates believe her to be her reincarnation at the beginning only to find out, after accepting she's not, that Carmilla's spirit is possessing her! And what of the mysterious Mircalla, the student no one seems to know?

Mircalla Karnstein. . . .Milla Jovovich
Clarmila. . . .Laura Prepon
Giles Barton. . . .David McCallum
Miss Simpson. . . .Helen Mirren (principal)
Janet Playfair. . . .Summer Glau (dance teacher)
Margaret Daunse. . . .Lake Bell (music teacher)

Not sure about the rest of the cast for this one. Obviously it would need a lot of "schoolgirls" and a few background characters. Did I mention the need to cast a LOT of NUBILE "schoolgirls"? C'mon all those 'tween gals? In a lesbian vampire movie? With the political climate the way it is this could be promoted as a gay anthem movie. Play your cards right and straight guys will flock to see this along with the entire gay and lesbian community. EASY MONEY!

Or you can grow a set and shoot political correctness in it's rabid head and just hire every Playboy and/or Penthouse playmate you can find and tell the MPAA to f--- off so they'll REFUSE the movie certification. I doubt 'tweens have changed all that much from my youth. Well, okay, they may be a bit more jaded about sexuality given what they have access to via the Internet but that's all the more reason NOT to pull the punches and make a dumbed down sanitized PG-13 piece of drivel. Besides nothing draws a crowd like people telling them they are NOT allowed to see something. Quote the MPAA's outrage in your ad copy. EASY MONEY!

# End of Line

Is Will Ferrell the cinematic Anti-Christ?

2009-06-09T05:28:00.002-04:00

Or is LAND OF THE LOST just a really, really, really bad movie? The Washington Post seems to be leaning toward that opinion. Behold the first paragraph of their review of LAND OF THE LOST:

Soiler alert: Toward the end of the comedy remake of Sid and Marty Krofft's '70s lunchbox leftover, "Land of the Lost," Will Ferrell is eaten by a T. rex and then excreted out the creature's back end. Fans know to interpret this as a personal artistic statement from the actor. It's a metaphor for most of his movies now, and what happens to audiences who go in hoping for another "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" and come out smelling of "Step Brothers" and "Semi-Pro."

Let me preface my remarks by saying, of all SNL alum, Mr. Ferrell is one of the more annoying character performers I've ever witnessed. Yet he does a very good George Bush impression. That said I neither like nor dislike the man, per se, so much as wish some of his unfunny characters would fade away. Alas he seems like a stain on a old carpet. No matter what you do you can't get rid of it.

Here's another typical opening statement about LOTL from a review posted at Detroit Free Press:

Stupid on an epic scale or epic on a stupid one, "Land of the Lost" is as close as Will Ferrell comes these days to a kid-friendly movie.

And an article at Newsweek (blog) asks the question: Is "Land of the Lost" Ferrell's Worst-Reviewed Movie Ever? And contains the following intriguing comment:

The critics have been brutal -- anytime a movie is dismissed as "an ersatz pot of dinosaur piss," you might wanna consider other ways to drop $12.

It gets better, or worse, depending on your point of view. Witness the following from the Huffington Post article Flee from Land of the Lost:

See it and you lose your time, the money you spent on a ticket and, perhaps, the ability to walk upright without dragging your knuckles on the ground.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter.

With this film, Will Ferrell officially signals the end of his 15 minutes. Indeed, if it weren't for Matt Lauer, there'd be nary a laugh at all in this excruciatingly lazy and unnecessary film. I repeat: The biggest laughs belong to Matt Lauer.

That's pretty harsh. Then again, much as I hate to admit this, I was excited about the movie right up until it was announced Mr. Ferrell would be the lead. I honestly don't dislike the man -witness the fact I never griped about him getting the part here- but his characters are absurd one-dimensional plays off a singular theme; namely the cliché of the "stupidly annoying moronic twit" with a inflated ego. You can only subject an audience to this sort of low-brow character so much before they get tired of it and turn on you, which may be what's happening here. Witness the appearance of such articles as The end of the Will Ferrell years? which is a response to the article Is America over Will Ferrell? and you get the general idea. As one of the article writer's put it:

Frankly, I can only handle him [Will Ferrell] in small doses. He seems like a likeable enough guy, and as much as I want to enjoy him in roles, I rarely — if ever — have liked him in leading roles. To be completely fair, though, I haven't really been moved to see many of his leading role films. I tried to sit through 'Anchorman', but aside from the back alley 'anchorman fights', couldn't do it.

Amen! Seriously you know it's bad when a remake that is a total departure from the source material generates headlines that aren't griping about the change in story line or characters but complaints about the lead actor and all his works. That's not fame it's infamy. And it's a shame to see because I used to watch LAND OF THE LOST as a kid. The fact LOTL is already being written off by some as just another lame piece of crap in the filmography of an overindulged comedian-turned-actor (witness the headline Call Ferrell's latest 'Wasteland of the Lost') rather than being judged on it's own merits, or lack thereof, is sad.

So, no, Will Ferrell isn't the cinematic Anti-Christ. He just seems that way to some when taken in large doses. I think there's a lesson to be learned in all this. Too bad Hollywood isn't listening.

# End of Line

Deep Evil

2009-06-08T04:54:00.002-04:00

Year: 2004

Director: Pat Williams

Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, Adam Harrington, Ona Grauer, Lindsay Maxwell, Leah Cairns, Heather Feeney, Rachel Grodnik, Rachel Hayward, Michael P. Northey, Will Sanderson, Ron Selmour, Jim Thorburn, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

MPAA Rating: R

Score Card:

Premise: An pathetically cheap looking swamp creature-alien-monster-mutant something gets loose in top secret bio-research lab/secret underground military base/corporate research facility someplace in remote Alaska and kills a bunch of people then other people (read: the clichéd "crack military team") get sent in to deal with-find-recover something but not before the mutant-alien-crazed monster whatever starts killing-stalking-eating-mating with their corpses and G-d knows what else.

The Reality: DEEP EVIL is your typical low budget wannabe ALIEN schlock that's really more a knock-off of THE THING starring the cousin of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON.

The Story: Deus misereatur it's a clichéd alien-mutant-monster in a lab movie! For those who don't know the drill amoral yet stupid-evil scientists in an uber secret lab are working with exotic-alien-mutant DNA and accidentally on purpose create a monster-hybrid-alien creature that kills and/or infests the stupid-evil scientists with its parasitical offspring. At least I think that's what's going on. The movie is apparently supposed to be (or was so bad their was no other way to edit this smelly carp) a flashback within a flashback as a prisoner in a room is interrogated and tortured. Which is basically what it feels like to sit through this; torture.

Assessment: If you can get past the fact it looks like all the director/casting person did was hire some random people off the street, throw hastily assembled military style costumes on them, put them into rooms after telling them to make believe they're soldiers-lovers-interrogators-whatever and started "Zen" filming. .

If you can get past the fact these ludicrous character freeform sessions seem to go on for an eternity before the director remembered this was suppose to be a horror/monster movie. .

If you can put your brain into neutral and not ask probing questions about what the heck is going on. .

If, and I stress the word if, you can do any of that then you may be able to enjoy DEEP RISING. Otherwise you might as well just get someone to hit you in the genitals with a hammer, because that's what sitting through this movie will feel like to you. For the rest of us bad movie aficionados DEEP RISING has it's moments. .

Sadly they're too few and too short to make this movie recommendable to any but the most hardcore of bad movie gluttons. And yet. .

Verdict: This movie is bad but not terrible and while its impoverished plot brings nothing new or interesting to a tired premise in need of retirement I'd rate DEEP EVIL as predictable yet not entirely boring; just unbelievably lame. Alas, if you are in the military, know someone in the military, have a family member in the military, or have ever watched a serious documentary about the military you may wish to stay away from this movie. Herein are egregiously error filled depictions of military personal that may induce migraines. OTOH nitpickers could make a fun game of pointing out the inaccuracies/mistakes/ridiculous nonsense in this movie.

Caveat Emptor DEEP RISING is available on: DVD

# End of Line

Mise-en-scene Crypt now has a blogger presence!

2009-06-03T20:13:00.004-04:00

For those who don't know Mise-en-scene Crypt was my original cinema themed blog. It covered a wider range of movie genres that Cosmic Cinema, mostly b-movies and exploitation, alas it was hosted on Yahoo 360. An abandoned platform. Long story short I've set up several back-ups yet have not been satisfied with how any of them handle. So, today, having finally backed up my Yahoo 360 blog to Yahoo's new "universal profile" and being totally disgusted with the result I've made the move to blogger.

It's a simple URL: http://cryptspace.blogspot.com/

It took Yahoo 2+ years to get around to providing a means to download a back-up of the blog, the less said about that mess the better, but I've managed to get the first Mise-en-scene Crypt post, slightly modified, up and posted.

Look for more posts soon.

Spotlight On: War Gods Collection

2009-05-27T15:57:00.006-04:00

The War Gods Collection box set contains an assortment of classic peplums and is currently on sale at Amazon for $17.99. A decent deal considering this set is a slimline re-issue bundle of double feature DVDs that can still be found on Amazon for between $9.98 to $17.99. If you must have it NOW click the links above but, before you do, know that this set contains the following:

Note: I have cropped the WS caps as NONE of these movies are anamorphic. Otherwise I have made no alterations to the screen caps other than to re-size them.

Son of Samson/ Son of Cleopatra

Son of Samson is in wide screen, actually has a trailer, and aside from the fact it's terribly interlaced and cut in at least one scene (see here) looks fairly decent. Picture quality is far superior to the version in the Warriors 50 movie set (see screen cap comparison here) though interlacing may be an issue when played back on some computers.

However Son of Cleopatra is Full Screen..

And while not a total eyesore is too bright in certain day scenes and too dark in certain night scenes. However this little gem is an impoverished epic full of battles, romance, and the usual machinations found in peplum. A diversion.

###

Hero of Rome/Invincible Gladiator

Hero of Rome looks like it was shot through a white silk curtain or off a rear projection set-up, it's fuzzy, not quite in focus, and despite being widescreen not much of a pleasure to watch. Though, in all honesty, it's not really an eyesore. Just annoying.

Contrast with Invincible Gladiator, which was obviously sourced from a very worn 16mm print with degraded color and video contrast levels in need of adjustment, yet appears to have a sharper image with clearer, if not cleaner, picture. .

###

War Gods of Babylon & War Goddess

War Gods of Babylon is perhaps one of the best releases in this set. For a full review (with screen caps) of the movie itself go here. A nice overview of the movie (with yet more screen caps) in it's original DVD release can also be found here.

War Goddess is hilariously absurd. From the dialogue, the music, to the nekkid wrasslin' near the end. I have a full review of the original DVD release here. This is, sadly, the same composite print using scratchy old reels, which only adds to the air of mystery in the wrestling scenes as the lighting was pretty bad to begin with. .

###

The Magic Voyage Of Sinbad / The Day The Earth Froze

For those paying attention yes, you read right, the lead feature on this disc is a Sinbad movie; or so the title says. In actuality The Magic Voyage of Sinbad isn't a Sinbad movie at all but rather a full screen Russian import (sourced from a tragic looking print) about a Viking-like fairytale hero called "Sadko" that has been re-titled and poorly dubbed into English. The disc contains a still gallery of some poster art. On the flip side is. .

The movie Day the Earth Caught Fire- also in full screen though sourced from a slightly less tragic looking print- is, not surprisingly, yet another re-titled and poorly dubbed Russian/Finnish fairytale import. Included is a black and white trailer yet that does little to forgive the fact these movies were included as throwaway filler. Neither of these movies have anything remotely to do with the box set theme, yet here they are. Enjoy!

###

Sadly it's unlikely any major labels will be releasing better quality versions of these movies in R1. Not impossible, but re-mastered editions of some of these were released in Germany (R2) and no one seems interested in licensing those prints. So this is, unfortunately, likely to be as good as it gets for these movies. That said if you're on the fence about this set because you have most of the movies already I would recommend that, if you can find the movies you don’t have cheaper than this box set, then get them. Otherwise this may be worth the double dip.

UPDATE (5/29/09): I have been informed, and confirmed via Amazon, that the original version of The Magic Voyage of Sinbad, under it's Sadko title, has received a restoration release. To see Sadko's Amazon listing click here. Sadly a search for Day the Earth Froze under it's original title (Sampo) did not return any hits.

#end of line

#end of line

Is Print Media Out of Touch?

2009-05-23T23:35:00.007-04:00

One of the many blog sites I have book marked is The Groovy Age of Horror. There's always something interesting to see or read there. Granted I don't visit the site every day, or even every week, but I've had the link book marked since the site was known as The Groovy Age of Dracula. This fact is important because there's a interesting post there this week about the relevancy of online sites.

From the post Not Sure Why comes the following quote attributed to editors from Avon books:

"In my opinion, the online world still doesn’t have much impact on sales as, anecdotally, I’ve seen books get horrible online reviews but have done well.."

I've been pondering this and, frankly, find myself wondering if this statement was made out of sheer ignorance or merely was the opinion of an white-haired techophobe. Obviously it was not because I went to the original article and therein found the following: "we often see people on our message boards," thus one has to assume the editors are aware of the import and impact of an online presence. Yet how can they dismiss online reviews?

I am a writer, obviously, and you are a reader, obviously, thus we, you and I, are perhaps the best judges of whether that remark has any validity. But it's not a simple answer. You can't point to a single site and count page hits and say, yeah, okay, I see it. The Internet is a living organism. It's constantly growing and shedding dead cells. Sites come and go. Reviews get posted, discussed, and forgotten about. If there's any trend that impacts book sales it's the fact people aren't reading as much as they used to. I know I am not.

Books aren't for casual readers and casual readers don't waste their time on just any old book. We do NOT blind buy. Well, okay, we do sometimes. But from ONLINE VENDORS. I have news for the editors of Avon the only truly BLIND buys of books ever made are from ONLINE VENDORS. You can always flip through a bargain book in a store but, online, all you have to go by is word of mouth, posted reviews, and/or online buzz. And that's found only AFTER researching the book and author via GOOGLE or some other search engine.

I look for reviews. That's right I don't just write reviews I read them too. Obviously these reviews impacted someone's sales as I have decide NOT to purchase books because of online reviews or comments made in forums probably more times than I have decided to go ahead and order them.

So is it that Avon books aren't selling and the editors want to dismiss the internet and internet sites as having no relevance so they can ignore bad reviews?

Fine. Go ahead. But, in my opinion, you'd have to be an Grade A idiot to do so.

Once upon a time I used to be a member of Waldenbooks Otherworlds Club. But nothing of the sort exists anymore. (I have a "reward" card for a major book store and they do NOT offer such an newsletter nor do their e-mails contain reviews, it's all crass ads.) Sadly Waldenbooks has gone the way of the dodo. And their Otherworlds club died long ago and the newsletter, which had reviews and previews, with it.

Now, if I want to know about a book, I'll go to Amazon and read the reviews THEN go straight to Google and type in the book title and author name to see what the online buzz is. That includes forums. I don't limit myself to sites I have book marked or review sites. I don't think I am the only one. But the Avon editors make the big bucks. If they say the internet is irrelevant who am I, a mere pixel in cyberspace, to dispute their lofty editorial pronouncements.

All I've ever done in the literary world is get a few things published, including book reviews, but those were published online and, according to the esteemed Avon editors don't count. Nevermind I got a free sub to the print mag whose online presence(s) those reviews appeared in. They weren't relevant. Nor, apparently, was any of what most people reading this blog right this second have had published online; according to the editors for Avon.

How does that make you feel?

Knowing that the editors for a major publication don't view you with contempt, they just don't consider you at all, makes me kind of sad. Makes me wonder what the point of all these words I just typed are. Did they move you? Do you care?

Makes you wonder.

#end of line

The Mummy Lives

2009-05-19T13:14:00.002-04:00

Year: 1993

Director: Gerry O'hara

Cast: Tony Curtis, Greg Wrangler, Leslie Hardy, et al.

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Format Viewed: DVD (FS)

Tagline: Bound by destiny. Consumed by sin. His vengeance is eternal.

Premise: Woman inherits money. Woman decides to go to Egypt. Woman experiences strange dreams/visions about being an ancient Egyptian princess while coincidentally an archaeological dig uncovers a new tomb. Archaeologists ignore hieroglyphic warnings of dire consequences for tomb robbers and enter tomb. Archaeologists disturb mummy. Mummy gets pissed and decides to go on rampage, sort of.

The DVD: Barebones (only menu option is Play Movie), full screen, video clear, audio adequate, overall typical of bargain bin releases.

The Movie: An feeble and scattershot plot is loosely woven around an ageing Tony Curtis, who apparently was cast in this purely for the name recognition he brought to the production; witness the bubble with his picture on the cover.

If you've seen the 1999 film THE MUMMY starring Brendan Fraser then you know the basics of the plot. The story revolves around the forbidden love affair of two paramours who, in ancient of days, were put to death by Egyptian priests. Fast forward a couple millennia to a relatively contemporary present and the female half of the pair has been apparently reincarnated in the body of a woman who, coincidentally, just happens to be visiting Egypt at the very moment archaeologists discover the very tomb in which her lover from the previous life; wrapped up like a mummy; was buried alive.

I don't usually like to compare a film to a movie made after it's release but it's interesting how THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY LIVES use the same basic premise yet are such vastly different movies. Tony Curtis plays a role similar to that Arnold Vosloo portrayed while Sandra Barnes is similarly filling the role of reincarnated lover as did Rachel Weisz. Both movies rely on flashback sequences to reveal, in dribs and drabs, information about the characters. Both movies contain a undercurrent of mysticism. Yet. .

The main difference between THE MUMMY LIVES, besides cast and budget, and the aforementioned film is this movie lacks action and is nowhere near as much fun to watch. THE MUMMY LIVES presents a tale as dull and lifeless as a desiccated corpse. Worse, this dreary production has the feel of having been pieced together from bits and pieces of footage intended for a different movie altogether. (The post-production editing staff should either get an special award for ineptness or mastery of their art for managing to piece together something from utter trash, I'm not sure which.) Yet, despite it's faults, this is still better than 90% of the similarly themed Sci-Fi channel original movies that have been aired in the past couple of years.

Assessment: This title been in bargain bins for some time yet, despite being curious, I steered clear of it largely because of it's PG-13 rating. PG-13 ratings are to horror movies what political correctness is to reason and rationale thinking, or ketchup is to ice cream. They just don't go together. Yet, when it appeared at Big Lots for $3, I decided to give it a chance to shine.

Alas there seems to be far more wrong with this cinematic misstep than merely the rating. According to IMDB the writer responsible for this was the same person who wrote the screenplays for The Andromeda Strain (1971) and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979). Which makes one wonder just where the fault for this rotten egg really lays, with the writer, actors, production staff or is it merely a confluence of contravening gaffs? Because the movie does have it's moments it just doesn't gel very well overall.

To be fair Tony Curtis was well on in age when he appeared in this yet, as his part is a glorified cameo, one does wonder how a veteran actor of his caliber could be so misused. Thus perhaps the fault is with the direction? According to IMDB the director's credits are mostly for assistant director work yet, looking at some of the productions he has been part of, one would assume he was more than capable of doing better than this. Then again the one constant factor seems to be age. Virtually everyone involved in this production- from the writer, director, and even the primary name talent- seems to have been well on in age. And perhaps that is the problem for this movie truly has the stench of moldering decay and dust about it. What this movie needed was an injection of action and sensuality. Tony Curtis is good but he was pushing 70 when he starred in this and the producers made no attempt to make use of that fact. How much more interesting and poignant would the movie have been if his extreme age had been noted in the flashbacks? Certainly his love affair with the much younger Egyptian concubine would have been seen in a different light.

Verdict: We're all getting older, no getting around that fact, but just because we're getting old doesn't mean we want to be reminded of the fact by being bored to death. That, sadly, is all this movie does. I would thus recommended THE MUMMY LIVES only for harcore fans of Tony Curtis, those who must see every mummy film ever made, and b-movie gluttons. Otherwise steer clear and rent THE MUMMY, which managed to do much more with the same basic premise. You've been warned.

Agent Red

2009-05-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

Year: 2000

Run Time: 95 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Director: Damian Lee

Cast: Tony Becker, Melissa Brasselle, Larry Carroll, Robert Donovan, Steve Eastin, &tc.

Format Viewed: DVD (R1)

Premise: A submarine transporting a bioengineered super strain virus is hijacked by Russian terrorists. The only survivors amongst the crew are a couple with a strained relationship. In order to save the world they must get over their romantic squabble and work together against the evil terrorists.

The DVD: Picture is clear, audio is good, alas the presentation is full screen with minimal extras, including Spanish subtitles and a trailer for the movie.

The Movie: From director Damian "Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe" Lee and starring the go to guy for low budget direct to video paramilitary action flicks, Dolph Lundgren, Agent Red is a bipolar gypsy boldly wandering through a phantasmagoria of heteroclite sophism. And that's the most intelligent sounding mouthful of nothing that's likely been said about this b-movie. A movie that kicks off with a scene so ludicrous you'll be laughing in derision before the title scroll. .

If that's not the most ludicrous face camo you've ever seen consider that those people are supposed to be a special ops military strike team deploying on a mission. The only way actors in a movie could look less believably military would be if the movie was a geriatric porno. The problem is this movie doesn't know what it wants to be. The opening scene could be from a different movie altogether as the actors in it are never seen again, nor does the McGuffin the team goes after (a F-117 stealth fighter) have any bearing on the plot of the movie. In fact the only point the opening scene appears to have is to establish that Dolph Lundgren is a military bad ass. But don't we already know that? This poor guy has pretty much been typecast as such since appearing in Universal Soldier.

More utterly pointless establishing scenes follow. This movie is a convoluted confusion of endlessly recycled stock footage propping up a threadbare plot device that is forgotten almost as soon as it's introduced. My favorite bit of exposition, though it's delivered in a most unbelievable manner, is the following answer to a question about "how hot" (hot being the movie's code word for contagious) the toxin being transported aboard the submarine is:

"100% fatality rate. Infection incurs within 3 minutes once exposed. In six minutes you have splitting headaches. 8 minutes nausea. By the 9^th minute you are projectile vomiting as the body starts to shut down. At 10 minutes you're bleeding from your rectum, eyes, nose, and nipples."

Ouch! That sounds terrible. Alas, after delivering that ominous sounding set up, the most you ever see are some extras standing around pretending to be gagging as they fall limply to the ground. Did the director have ADD and just forget what the movie was supposed to be about? Why build audience expectations only to alienate them by totally ignoring the set-up?

Availability: There's R2 and R3 releases with the German DVD, Agent Red - Ein tödlicher Auftrag, apparently still in print. Sadly the R1 release is apparently OOP. Just be aware when searching for a copy of Agent Red it was released in both FS and WS versions and there's more extras on the WS release (including a commentary track).

Assessment: Agent Red is best summed up by the following quote from the movie itself:

General Stillwell (Stephen Macht): "Ever heard of Agent Red?"

Captain Matt Hendricks (Dolph Lundgren): "Sounds like a bad action movie."

It's difficult not to be hypercritical when a movie pokes fun at itself like that. Yet there is a subtle charm to this movie, when viewed as a self-referential farce, that continues to crop up in the dialogue. It's as if the writer is winking at the audience every now and again saying: Yeah, we know, this is beyond bad but let's just have fun with it!

Especially when the above preceded a briefing that uses this. .

The above is a scene from RED DAWN. Agent Red played segments from this on a TV monitor as part of an "briefing"; I kid you not! This movie is comprised of so much stock footage even Roger Corman would shake his head is disgust. Despite this the movie is actually fairly well edited. A surprising fact considering how inept and ill conceived certain early scenes were, like having Dolph Lundgren's character in a meeting, in military uniform, with military brass who are informing him of time constraints and the necessity to get to the submarine. .

And then, suddenly, seeing his character off-boarding from a commercial flight, in civilian clothes, and boarding a Russian street taxi and hoping the guy knows where the military base he needs to be at is located. .

That's crazy! But then this entire movie seems to be a few marbles shy of a full bag. There's even a scene, supposedly aboard the submarine, between Lundgren and his love interest where the two just have a loud spat in a corridor. Actually you never do see any berths aboard this alleged submarine. How lazy was the director that he couldn't find a broom closet or tool shed to dress up as a room?

Verdict: AGENT RED is basically just a bad kick-boxing flick building up to a chick fight that's lamer than the title. Yet, aside from the fact this is a nonsensical submarine movie masquerading as a killer virus flick, AGENT RED is still better than 90% of Sci-Fi Channel original movies. Sure it's more CRIMSON TIDE than it is OUTBREAK but it's also more entertaining than a straight drama like COVERT ONE: THE HADES FACTOR. What makes this movie entertaining isn't that it's any better acted, though it does have some surprisingly well scripted banter, but rather it's the use of stock footage; much of which looks oddly familiar.

If you liked J.A.G. you may get a kick out of this. The editing, and use of familiar stock footage, lends this movie the feel of a feature length J.A.G. episode, sadly sans the lawyers. Be advised this a bad movie. It's so bad that there's an entire page dedicated to talking about how bad it is. (I can't believe how spot on my initial assessment of this monster opus was!) Behold the opening paragraph from that page:

"After the film was completed, producer Andrew Stevens deemed the movie too inept to be released. Damian Lee screwed things up so bad that writer Steve Latshaw was brought in to at least make the movie half-competent, while Jim Wynorski was hired to direct some new scenes and insert stock footage where appropriate. "

You can read the full article about the movie here. In summary the original edit ran roughly 100 minutes but had to be trimmed down quite a bit with 40 minutes of new footage added to a re-edit to make the movie coherent. And considering that this article also points out that stock footage was lifted from the movies Counter Measures, Storm Catcher, and Solo it's amazing that Agent Red wasn't far worse. If the original ran 100 minutes and the version on DVD clocks in at just around 95, with 40 minutes of that being re-shoot sequences, and an unknown amount of stock footage added in on top of that, there must not be much of the original movie in here. Which makes Agent Red all the more amazing as an artifact of b-movie filmmaking.

Agent Red is an tasty yet slightly moldy sharp cheddar with a light citrus tang. I declare Agent Red to be bad movie uranium and thus heartily recommended it for the morbidly curious, student filmmakers, and anyone wishing to pad out a b-movie party night. All others should try to minimize their exposure.

# End of Line

Robert Rodriguez to direct Vaporware: The Movie

2009-05-07T02:52:00.005-04:00

It suddenly occurred to me as I was reading through movie news articles online that director Robert Rodriguez has been announced as attached to more movies in the past couple years than a dog has fleas. Most of which have yet to materialize. Here's a short list of movie projects mentioned in recent articles: Red Sonja, Barbarella, Woman in Chains!, Jetsons, Conan, Madman, Sin City 2, Machete and, oh, no, wait this just in; Robert Rodriguez's "Barbarella" Adaptation Officially Dead!

Why? Because "he failed to get appropriate funding for the project". Or, as some online critics put it, he talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk. I think the news was broken on the MTV Movies Blog as the above article seems to be quoting a MTV interview, which points out this film project "had been in development for years" and that (after offering a reasonable sounding excuse) "Rodriguez reluctantly said no and moved on to other projects".

Yes that's projects, plural. Of course some online critics indicate it's likely only a matter of time before he finds a reasonable sounding excuse for why he's not filming all those other movies either. Honestly some of these articles are getting ranty. Now as readers of my blog know I enjoy a good rant every now and again but, jeepers, some of the "articles" are just plain nasty.

Then again when you see a headline like: Robert Rodriguez to Relaunch Predator Franchise

It's hard not to react with: Say what? And launch into a rant. .

Let me get this straight this article says the man found the time to write a script for Fox called Predators (a sequel to Predator) yet hasn't produced anything tangible beyond poster mock ups for Red Sonja? That article casually mentions that Machete- which featured as one of the faux movie trailers in Grindhouse- will begin filming in June of this year. Which sounds great but, wait, wasn't Red Sonja announced first? Then again, according to another article from Bloody Disgusting: "Alex Litvak is currently penning the new draft of Predators that's to be produced by Robert Rodriguez's Troublemaker Studios". So Mr. Rodriguez is merely the writer/producer on this project?

Maybe I just read the initial articles wrong but they sure made it sound like Mr. Rodriguez had announced he was directing all these projects. I am so confused. Maybe another article can clear matters up. And, wouldn't you know, here's another great headline for you: Sin City 2 Moving Forward.

That article reports: "Rodriguez [stated] that he had a few other commitments he had to complete before moving on to Sin City 2, but he is beginning talks with his creative team and could begin filming as early as next year."

He's not begun filming, much less wrapped, on ANY of the aforementioned projects (so far as I know) yet he's in talks to begin yet another film project? The man's a friggin' cinematic Hercules! How he is going to magically pull these movies out of his sphincter I don't know but I look forward to seeing them, er, the movies I mean.

Moving along. .

Predators is stated as having "a release date of July 9, 2010" so that's sounds like it's a solid commitment. But then so, supposedly, was the Barbarella project. I seem to recall Ms McGowan, the lovely red headed actress tapped to play the titular role, at one point was quoted as saying the sets had even been built. Yet, based on the articles above, it sounds like the current reports quoting Mr. Rodriguez are stating there was only some artist sketches and that the project never got out of the talky pre-production stage.

My brain hurts.

To summarize: Coming to a theatre near you maybe-perhaps-one day soon will be Robert Rodriguez's Vaporware: The Movie; probably-maybe-perhaps starring Rose McGowan.

A whole lot of nothing. That's the basic substance of the articles I've been reading. And that annoys me. So, in closing, I'd like to appeal to Mr. Rodriguez to PLEASE release a press statement about what you're really up to. These Internet rumours are giving me a migraine.

Thank you. Have a lovely day.

#end of line

Covert One: The Hades Factor

2009-05-06T01:25:00.001-04:00

Year: 2006

Run Time: 165 minutes

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Director: Mick Jackson

Cast: Stephen Dorff, Mira Sorvino, Blair Underwood, Sophia Myles, Danny Huston, Colm Meaney, Josh Hopkins, Jeffrey DeMunn, Anjelica Huston, Rosemary Dunsmore, Joris Jarsky, Karen Glave, &tc.

URL: Covert One (Official CBS page)

Format Viewed: DVD (R1)

Premise: A mission to retrieve a virus stolen by terrorists goes terribly wrong leaving a covert operative out in the cold and the government reeling in confusion as they rush to find the agent and recover the deadly bio-weapon before it can be unleashed against an unsuspecting populace.

The DVD: Picture is clear, audio is good, feature is anamorphic widescreen, and the extras include trailers for Ultraviolet, The Cave, The Forgotten, and The Fifth Element.

The Movie: This was actually a television mini-series which, I suspect, may have been originally intended as a vehicle for a regular run of mini series. Which may explain why it's such a convoluted mess. To misquote the Guild Navigator from Dune: There's plans within plans.

Without giving too much of the plot away a covert agent (Mira Sorvino) in Berlin is double crossed, thus leaving her uncertain of who to trust, and all because various groups are out to gain possession of a vial of deadly bio-toxin. Meanwhile there's this other former covert operative that coincidentally happens to be attending a conference in Berlin that's a old friend/co-worker of Sorvino's character. Apparently he's supposed to be super important (yet retired) black-ops dude, a real Jack Baur type, and since he's also in Berlin people just assume he's in on the plot. Or, if not, he can at least track down his friend and recover the vial as it's assumed she will likely be looking to contact former operatives she knew or something.

Covert One seemed to have a fairly decent start. However part way through viewing I suddenly recognized a scene. That I apparently watched part of this when it aired yet remember nothing about this speaks volumes about how tediously dull and forgettable Covert One is. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that this miniseries was based on a series of novels by Robert Ludlum. Never read any thing by or heard of the author but, according to wikipedia, Covert One is a "sequence of thriller novels" and "the series features a top-secret team of political and technical experts who fight corruption and conspiracy at the highest and most dangerous levels of society" (Ludlum books dot com).

Covert One plays like an extended episode of 24 with Stephen Dorff as the low rent Jack Baur stand-in. However he doesn't really get involved with the "action" until the movie is well underway, and even then he's more reluctant antihero who ends up caught in the middle of high level intrigue. Alas Covert One has neither the carefully crafted suspense or sense of anticipation that something imminent is about to happen that the typical episode of 24 manages to put into it's compact 45-50 minute run time.

Assessment: Covert One is a lame game of hide-and-seek tag in which the main character, supposedly a former covert operative, has to be cajoled into action; which is mostly chasing clues around the globe to try to find out what's going on. It's basically a game of: Where in the World is that Bio-weapon? And if you think that sounds tediously dull try sitting through this boring garbage. Mira Sorvino has little more than a glorified extended cameo role, appearing at the beginning and near the end of the miniseries. But the real surprise is Anjelica Huston, who plays the president, for she has the briefest screen time of all the name actors yet has the most memorable onscreen presence. Sadly it's not enough to save this. Then again Mira Sorvino could have been totally nude throughout this miniseries and it would still not be worth watching, it's that mind-numbingly insipid.

Verdict: Considering I purchased this at Big Lots for $3 I wont complain, much. Yet that is $3 I could have spent on something worthwhile, like a tabloid or garbage bags. Covert One is a totally forgettable OUTBREAK/ANDROMEDA STRAIN wannabe that takes a talented cast and utterly wastes them on a pallid script, clichéd plot, and excruciatingly dull drama that barely rises above urine drenched mediocrity. Avoid.

# End of Line

Hyper Space

2009-05-04T03:04:00.003-04:00

Year: 1989

Run Time: 81 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Director: David Huey

Cast: Richard Norton, Don Stroud, Lynn-Holly Johnson, James Van Patten, Ron O'Neal, Rebecca Cruz, &tc.

Format Viewed: DVD (R1)

Premise: It is the future. Mankind has a pollution problem. The answer? Pack the pollutants onto space ships then hire crews to ferry the toxic nuclear waste out to a distant part of "hyper space" and dump it. Perfectly routine, unless your ship suffers a malfunction while en route.

The DVD: The movie being reviewed was released by Simitar, a label long defunct. (The packaging bears a 1999 copyright.) Yet I found this a few months ago in a Fye's bargain bin. While the DVD is pristine with nary a scratch on it the same can not be said for the video, which was sourced from a less than pristine tape master. Extras include movie "factoids".

The Movie: The movie opens with two guys in a car. .

As they're drinking coffee and staring off into the distance at nothing we (the audience) know they are supposed to be on a stake out. Who they are and what they're staking out is unclear, even as the scene suddenly shifts to the inside of a warehouse where two other actors dressed as mechanic types try to look busy. It's unclear what they're doing but sorting through the junk carefully laid out by whoever dressed the set isn't part of the plan. Nor do we get much time to ponder their lack of industry amidst a warehouse full of industrial junk when a third troglodyte of a man enters frame. This guy looks like a angry wrestler looking for the poof that peed in his cheerios. And, hold on, is that ball of hair he's got wrapped up in that bundle he's carrying an human hea-

OH SNAP! The wrestler dude's killing the mechanic guys! Will no one stop his murderous rampage?. WAIT! Here comes one of the guys from the car. ZOIDBERG! The guy strikes a dramatic pose to utter the following line: "Release the head."

Give the angry troglodyte credit for obeying law enforcement for he does just that. Only he hurled that severed head straight at the cop-guy's chest. .

OUCH! That had to hurt. BTW this is the first 2-3 minutes of the movie. If you were like me you're probably scratching your head and re-reading the movie's title right about now. As if this intro wasn't confusing enough the titles scroll soon after this scene and open with the following prologue. .

Crazy. What was that intro about? But, just when you're about to give up and write this off as belonging in the bad movie hall of shame for false advertising we see. .

Perhaps the cheapest "cryogenic chamber" set ever. Long story short the crew is awaked from their cryo-slumber to discover their ship has malfunctioned, thus effectively stranding them far off course. While their ship doesn't have enough fuel to make it back to Earth they have a shuttle that, by some magical mystical means supposedly can. The hitch? The shuttle's life support can only support ONE PERSON. This threadbare premise is the set up for the crew turning on each other for use of the shuttle.

There's also this. .

When all else fails distract the audience with nudity. It works every time. And, yes, I have to admit that this brief glance of flesh distracted me enough to keep me watching; hoping to be distracted some more. Alas there were no more flesh toned distractions as the remainder of the movie was an earnest effort to do a bit of psychological drama. Granted you can see the twist near the end coming a mile away but you're distracted by the other twist, at least for a second or two, and that's all it takes because by the time the action is over so is the movie.

Availability: Believe it or not there is a German (R2) DVD release under the title Space Rangers - Hyperspace that lists a 87 minute run time. Alas the OOP Simitar release appears to be the only R1 Hyper Space DVD. However Amazon lists a DVD-R available under the title Black Forest. Not to be confused with Hyperspace (aka Gremloids) or Hyperspace.

Assessment/ Verdict: If you've ever seen Alfred Hitchcock's classic Lifeboat or it's science fiction adaptation Lifepod then you know the basic premise of this movie; a group of people in close confinement struggle for survival with fellow survivors who have dire secrets. Sadly neither the acting or sense of suspense in Hyper Space is quite as good as that in Lifeboat. The movie never really recovers from the opening scene. Worse, Lynn-Holly Johnson is all but wasted here. Her character really should have had more screen time. Instead we got that crap intro and a follow-up flash back, both of which have a shoddy tacked on out of place feel. While the intro could have been forgiven if it came after some sort of set up to establish the movie's futuristic setting, instead it just underscored the shoe string budget of the feature. Nor does it help that this scene was followed by a tacky no-budget scene of people on tables in their underwear that was barely redeemed with a (all too brief) tantalizing flash of nubile female flesh. Sorry, no offense to the filmmakers, but with these two scenes setting up the movie it's impossible to suspend disbelief. Thus the movie is best watched as a b-movie farce. If you can watch this movie without taking it seriously then it can be fun. Otherwise pass.

# End of Line

Depressed by remakes?

2009-05-01T12:18:00.006-04:00

If you're getting tired of remakes you're not alone. There's hundreds, if not thousands, of games and novels out there that have never been adapted into any sort of TV series, movie, comic book, or what ever. For that matter there's also hundreds of comic books that have not been adapted into movies or TV series either. Yet Hollywood continues regurgitating the same tired old crap.

Why?

Is it really cheaper to produce remakes than, say, come up with something fresh and new? The money men in the monkey suits may assume they'll make more money on an "established property" but they do this by exploiting the young and impressionable. And that's not just wrong it's evil. Doesn't matter who you are you're going to get older. The older you get, one assumes, the more information you will collect in your brain. This means that there will come a point where you will be just as jaded about movies as most critics. It's not that we dislike Hollywood, or even the movies, per se, it’s the lack of originality. These movies, or rather the clichéd cookie cutter plots, are stale.

Not saying Hollywood ruins all it touches. Rather it seems, to me, that Hollywood has become a prisoner of it's own formulaic standard operating procedures. Producers and directors are forced to work with established properties and not given any sort of creative outlet for their own ideas. Thus, forced to work within a system that doesn't just frown on originality it despises it as being unprofitable, directors are forced to hijack the projects they are given as their sole creative outlet. Which just makes matters worse.

A glance at recent TV retreads shows how bad this disease has become. The Sci-Fi Channel produced a TV series, Flash Gordon, that might as well have been titled Total Garbage. It was universally reviled and quickly cancelled. However one of it's more successful series, Battlestar Galactica, was the suits using a established property's name to sell a series that had nothing to do with the original. Yet it eventually cultivated it’s own audience through sheer persistence. It also helped that nothing was on at the time and that Sci-Fi moved it around the dial to different time slots on different days so they could manipulate their Nielson ratings. Some might further argue the success of this series is only because of Sci-Fi channel shills tirelessly promoting BSG, but they also promoted the holy heck out of Flash Gordon. Which only proves that, no matter how you dress up crap, it's still crap. Obviously there was something about the BSG series that appealed to it's audience otherwise it would have gone the way of the atrocious Flash Gordon abortion.

Too bad Hollywood is stuck in this rut of regurgitating "properties" they already own the rights to. This is an incestuous relationship that is doomed to failure. Eventually the bubble will burst, just as it did with the real estate market, though it may be slower going as there's always new and impressionable youth for Hollywood to take advantage of. And that's just sad. Then again life is change. And that seems to be what keeps Hollywood content, conning people out of the change in their pocket. Shame. There's so much else out there that could be adapted for the big (and small) screen besides the same tired old garbage.

For instance I'd really like to see the following adapted to the big screen. .

Video Games
Dungeon Keeper
Waxwork
Leisure Suit Larry (Dir. John Waters)
Leather Goddess of Phobos (Dir. John Waters)
Gauntlet
Corridor 7
Blake Stone
Wolfenstein
Prince of Persia
Magic Carpet
Elite
Trade Wars (old BBS space trading game)
Syndicate Wars
Bard's Tale
Faery Tale
Might & Magic
Phantasie
Mines of Titan
&tc

Novels
The Dragonriders of PERN series* (Anne McCaffrey)
The Doona series (Anne McCaffrey)
Dinosaur Planet (Anne McCaffrey)
Catteni series (Anne McCaffrey)
Acorna (Anne McCaffrey)
The Honor Harrington series* (David Weber)
The Armageddon Inheritance series (David Weber)
The John Grimes/Rim World series (A. Bertram Chandler)
The Xanth series (Piers Anthony)
The Lord of the Isles series (David Drake)
The Belgariad/Mallorean series (David Eddings)
The Foreigner series (C. J. Cherryh)
Cyteen (C. J. Cherryh)
Golden Queen series (Dave Wolverton)
&tc

Comic Books/Graphic Novels
Marada, The She Wolf
Iron Jaw
Dr. Atomic
Ironwood
Sapphire
Mighty Samson
Groo
Wulf, The Barbarian
Sisterhood of Steel
Aztec Ace
Deathhawk
Planet of Vampires
Alien Encounters
XXXenophile
Stafire
Star Reach
Mystery in Space
Atari Force
Kamandi, The Last Boy on Earth
Axa
Conqueror of the Barren Earth
Xenozoic Tales/Cadillacs & Dinosaurs
Cobalt 60
&tc

(*) There's been lots of talk and rumours but nothing so far AFAIK.

Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 4

2009-04-29T02:40:00.000-04:00

Galactica Saga

Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 4

By C. Demetrius Morgan

From the Aella Chronicle:

Some say no one remembers how the war with the Cylons began. It began innocently enough. We sent out exploratory vessels thousands of yahren ago, because we knew we weren't alone. Our moldering histories turned myth and legend told us about the myriad worlds our ancestors trod upon, the colonies they established, and the worlds of primitives they brought the light of civilization to.

We knew, out there, somewhere, brothers of man waited us. Sadly we had no idea how those first fateful encounters in the depths of space would shape life in the Colonies. For we forgot that those same ancient histories spoke of strange alien races and dark dreary worlds where slimy brutal beings skulked in muck. Perhaps it was human folly that we never imagined such detestable creatures might one day achieve the same lofty heights, as did our own once primitive ancestors. Luckily we were not entirely unprepared for danger, or else Cylon treachery would have ended the colonies long ago.

# # # # #

ACT IV - ESCAPE

The first thing Tychon and Egg noticed about the Delos station launch bay was it was a lot more spacious than the launch bays aboard their cramped training carriers. Then this was a civilian station. The Warrior presence was tolerated, though from the way some techs reacted to their presence they wondered how much longer that would last. It was hard for Egg to align the plant vapor dreams of those with their heads in the clouds of Armistice celebrations from the reality of the war he'd been training for the past few yahrens. Looking over their assigned craft, the feel the old Starhound's pitted surface despite being many times re-painted, Egg felt like the modern scanner installed in the archaic cockpit control panel. Out of place.

'Was that what Warriors would be after the Armistice, archaic relics?' He wondered.

"They look a lot older than the Starhound's we flew back on Gemoni. No worse for wear though. "

"What were you expecting, Egg, shiny new Vipers?"

"Be nice. Still I thought they'd have something better than old MK II's."

"Actually I think they're MK IIb's, see the aerofoil?"

"Hey, you're right. They're much bigger."

"Perfect for aerial acrobatics, and that's what we're. . "

Tychon was interrupted by the sudden unexpected sound of blaring Klaxon.

"What the feldercarb?"

"My sentiments exactly, Egg. It can't be time to launch for our aerial display yet, can it?" Tychon looked around, "We're virtually the only pilots here!"

Egg turned to a crew chief he sees talking on an com, "Chief what's. ."

"Frak!" the chief faced the warriors with eyes wide in startled disbelief.

"You've got to clear the tubes. Get those birds out. No time to switch out the payloads now. Just head for the planet!" The latter was said over the chief's shoulder as he broke into a run toward the interior of the bay.

"You wearing your flight suit, Egg?"

"Always. But wha-"

"Attention. Attention. This is not a drill. All Colonial personnel report to duty stations. I repeat, this is not a drill, ALL Colonial. . "

Grabbing Egg by the lapels, "Whatever's going on I'd feel a lot safer planet side. This isn't exactly a colonial base, you know."

"I read you." Egg replied turning to run toward the nearest Starhound, "Let's go!"

* * *

Niobe's hand went unconsciously to her sidearm the moment the klaxon sounded. While all the guests merely looked around in confusion she immediately began to scan the entrances, making eye contact with other warriors doing the same. Like wayward asteroids circling a distant star the warriors slowly began to gravitate toward each other, pausing only for a moment when the announcement began, then the bedlam began as warriors began to gently fight against the crowd to make way to where they needed to be. Sadly Niobe noted there were too many who, like herself, had nowhere to go.

"What do you suppose is going on?"

Turning to the now almost familiar voice Niobe was surprised to see Aella, "Don't know."

A second body sidled up beside her. Turning Niobe saw an unfamiliar face wearing a familiar uniform. She took in his insignia and junior rank pins in barely the span of a milicenton.

"Lieutenant, ma'am." The warrior nodded to both women in turn.

"Better try some crowd control, at least until we find out what's going on."

"Might help if there was music."

Niobe turned and nodded slightly, both in agreement to Aella's remark and greeting to another colonial warrior who'd joined her little group.

"Get the band to play something light, nothing too dramatic, and pass the word this leisuron's over."

"Ma'am"

* * *

"Alright, now that we're out here let's see what our scanners can pick up on. ."

"My Com's dead, how about yours, Egg?"

"I've got Caprican ground control chatter."

"And Fleetcom?"

"That's odd. Nothing but static. I know they gutted this thing to put in loaders for pyronics and lazons for the Armistice display but, wait, scanners still work. Engaging perimeter sweep."

A pregnant paused filled the dead of space.

"Tychon I'm picking up something on the scanner at-"

"I see it. Warbook reads them as heavies, Cylon raiders. Twelve, scratch that, fifteen."

"Guess that means the armistice is off."

"Maybe," Tychon said as he began to scan through com channels, "But how in Sagan's name did they get that many raiders this far into colonial space without someone raising a klaxon before now?"

"They're probably just drawing them in, making sure they have their aim dead on."

"Then why aren't the Caprican planetary defenses lighting up with sky pulsar fire? Those ground emplacements are supposed to be able to hit an pirates arse in an airlock all the way out to Delos."

"I wish I knew, Tychon, wish I knew. Not much we can about it now."

"We've got the pyronics." Tychon clenched his teeth.

Pyronics could be dangerous, if misused, but even against Cylon raiders they'd be little better than firing an artillery shell at a Battlestar. Yet. .

"Yeah, but they're incendiaries." Egg reminded him, "No good to us up here."

"Frak." Tychon cursed.

"Yeah," Egg quietly agreed.

"We'll just have to hit atmosphere sooner, then. ."

"Then," Egg finished, "we do what we can. Fleetcom's still dead so they must be jamming us. Yet they didn't seem to bother jamming sensors. What are they playing at?"

"I don't know but they're not jamming the civilian channels either."

"What?"

"Check for yourself. I just picked up Serina's broadcast. Everything looks perfectly fine down there."

"I prefer Lyra myself," Egg mumbled as he scanned through the civilian broadcast bands, "Serina maybe the face of Caprica but Lyra has the bod-

"Got it."

"Told you. Damn strange."

"Egg I think we'd better get dirt side. Either the feldergarb is about to hit the fan, in which case we're going to be little more than target practice, or someone screwed the daggit big time. Either way we're no good to anyone up here."

"Yeah, I'd hate to be the one to go down in history as starting a war by attacking a peace envoy. But if things do get squirrelly," Egg paused to check his ailerons, "these old daggits have better maneuverability in atmosphere."

"Agreed. And all we've got are pyronics."

"Yeah. Great way to fly into a war."

* * *

Talbot Chabrol rushed onto the bridge. Sestina barely spared a glance for the ridiculous Armistice celebration costume he was wearing.

"What's going on!"

"Don't know. The station just went to alert status and, if Brackett's right, cleared her launch tubes. They've also ordered all vessels in dock out."

"That includes us, I'm afraid." Brackett retorted from his station.

Talbot sat at his command console with a disconsolate thump.

"Just five centons, just five more centons and I'd have been on my way and they could play their damn games without involving me."

Sestina noticed the mock disdain in her captain's voice and, not for the first time, wondered why Talbot really left the colonial forces. He seemed to miss the life.

"Fine," Talbot muttered sitting back, "passengers are all off anyway and there's nothing to see from the Star Kobol yet. Take her out nice and slow and, Sestina, make a note in the ship's log that this is an official colonial order. If they expect us to pay for the extra fuel load they're two cards shy of a full pyramid. Matter of fact, Brackett, did we have time to log the problem with our port thrusters?"

"I believe so but what's that-"

"Good! We'll bill them for that, too."

"But, sir, it's just a matter of routine-"

"Note it in the log!"

Brackett knew better than to press the matter when his captain used that tone of voice so he simply replied, "Noted."

* * *

There wasn't much Tychon and Egg could do, they knew that, yet they had to try. It was Egg's idea to set off his pyronics in a tangled mass as near Caprica city's busiest flight corridor as they dared. He'd hoped someone dirt side would take notice, not that Caprica was a bastion of military hardware these days. That was something he knew the Capricans prided themselves on. Perhaps that was why the Armistice celebrations were centered there. But surely that big of an explosion wouldn't go unnoticed. Surely someone would raise a klaxon, if only to mobilize the colonial police. He monitored the one clear broadcast, but Serina didn't even blink when she commented on "some kind of explosion" being spotted.

And still no sign of the much lauded Caprican planetary defenses. Neither warrior understood their silence, as those platforms were supposed to be automated. Were the Cylons using some new form of electronic countermeasures that spoofed Colonial IFF? There was just no way to know, at least not from the seat of a Starhound. To add insult to injury, the Cylons didn't seem to take notice of them. Even when Tychon set off a stream of pyronics in the path of a pair of raiders they seemed to shrug off the impotent blows like a mangy daggit shaking off water. Then, in a flash, Egg understood why.

"Tychon, I'm reading multiple flights of craft coming in from high orbit!"

"What?" Tychon had been using his lazons to play tag with one of the heavies and it took a centon for what Egg was saying to register.

But that was a centon neither he nor Egg had for that wave of ships were coming in at a combat dive, and they were playing for keeps.

The first thought that sprang to both warriors mind's was: It was impossible. No one could get that many hostile craft this far into Colonial space without setting off the perimeter klaxon. Yet, somehow, the Cylons had managed to do just that.

"I'm losing scanner resolution. Egg, what're you reading now?"

Egg moved to adjust his screen as he cursed under his breath.

"Lost it. That kind of blanket jamming can't be local. That requires a lot of power."

"Baseships?"

The instant Tychon's whisper mic relayed that word Egg felt a cold knot twist in his stomach. Much as he hated to admit it that was really the only possible answer. Smaller vessels would have been detected, not matter how good their stealth, and only a Baseship had the kind of power output needed for that sort of mass masking field generation.

'But how?' he'd wanted to say.

Instead he found himself caught up in a blur of adrenaline fueled confusion. It was true Starhounds had better maneuverability in atmosphere, even against some Viper models, but none of that mattered when assault craft were screeching out of the clouds like comets hurled from the angry fist of a raging demon. With that much g-force behind them it was all a pilot could do to stay out of their way.

'Just like the Cylons to attack from behind cloud cover,' a distant part of his mind scoffed. It was the last conscious thought he would remember of that event for many yahren after. That and hearing Tychon's voice over the com as he reported aileron failure. Egg tried to reestablish contact, find out where Tychon was, but there were now civilian small craft fleeing in every direction.

Not many made it far.

Egg didn't see what happened to Tychon. He was too busy trying to stay alive, which meant doing the one thing that went against every fiber in a colonial warriors being; run from a fight. But what else could he do?

* * *

Talbot Chabrol sat with a white knuckled death grip. He was watching events unfold in real time on the bridge monitors, yet some small portion of his mind refused to believe what he was seeing. Then something snapped.

'How could this be happening,' he thought as he checked scanner readouts with a marines strategically trained eye.

Talbot had to do something. But what could he do? He was just a marine turned liner captain. There was-

"Bring our defensive lasers online now!" he barked.

It wasn't much. In fact the Phoenix wasn't even supposed to have any weaponry, defensive or otherwise, but he'd learned the hard way while running cargo that there was only one way to deal with pirates, especially with the Colonial Forces so far away, and that was to be armed. Only problem was these weren't ramshackle pirate craft.

"What the feldercarb," Sestina cursed as she turned a questioning eye to Talbot.

Brackett had not been happy when his captain approached him about making the off-spec modifications. He'd had many questions, few of which had been answered, but then he also knew his captain had been a cargo hauler. Few ran the routes Talbot took, and with good reason, but the Phoenix wasn't going to be traveling those routes. Brackett said as much. Not that his arguments seemed to have any affect. Now, as he typed the code into his console to activate the defensive grid the liner wasn't supposed to have Brackett found himself smiling predatorily at his captain's astute foresight.

"Sorry," he shrugged at Sestina inquiring glare like a child caught with his hand in the treat bar jar, "meant to tell you about those, uhm, modifications. But with the Armistice and-"

"As first officer of this tub I should have known about this, sir."

Talbot loved Sestina like a daughter but he also knew what her temper was like. Having known her since she was a youngster Talbot didn't want it directed at him. The woman still wasn't speaking with her own father, one of his boyhood friends, so he did the only thing any colonial marine in his position would have done. He feigned innocence.

"How's everything look, Brackett?"

"Green across the board."

"That's good. Of course the system hasn't been tested yet. Meant to get to that, but with the Armistice, didn't seem that important so-"

"Not important? You mean to tell me we not only have weapons, which we aren't supposed to have, but they haven't even been tested?"

Talbot realized his plan wasn't quite working the way he intended as he watched Sestina angrily take over the board from Brackett. If he lived through this he'd have to step lightly around his first officer, at least until he could find some way to get back into her good graces. Then again if they lived through this maybe that'd be enough for her to forget and forgive him.

* * *

By the time the last of the Cylon assault fighters cleared his screen Egg was somewhere over the largest of Caprica's oceans. His fuel gauge was also dangerously close to the redline. He also realized that the entire engagement, if you could call it that, had barely lasted more than a few centons. The few cylon fighters that came after him didn't seem interested in pursuit so much as chasing him away. He'd barely had time to ponder why when warning indicators on his flight console began to wink their baleful glow just as a blinding flash of light lit up the distant horizon.

"That was near Caprica City," Egg announced unnecessarily.

Egg's scanners detected several similar explosions to the far north and west. Each one, he realized, seemed to be in the area of Caprica's major space ports. And each one gave the same trace readings on his hazard board: radiation. Yet he detected no tell tale columns of smoke. No mushroom clouds. That was why the Cylons didn't waste time pursuing one lone obsolete unarmed fighter, or probably many of the other small craft they encountered in their initial furious dive. They knew most civilian craft would be knocked out by those cloud level EMP bursts; the slimy bastards.

Luckily his Starhound was shielded. But that fortunate realization didn't change the fact Egg had to set this bird down, and soon. But where?

# # # # #

(To be continued in Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising, Part 2)

The Clash of the Titans has begun!

2009-04-28T18:33:00.004-04:00

Or has it?

The good news is there's reports circulating that Warner Bros begins production on Clash of the Titans and "will begin filming in studios outside London and will later shoot in various locations in Wales and in the Spanish Canary Islands, predominantly on Tenerife, off the coast of Africa. Further aerial work is set to take place in the diverse locales of Ethiopia and Iceland". The bad news (from here) is: "the movie is currently in pre-production and is slated for an Australian release on April 1, 2010."

So the new Clash of the Titans hasn't quite begun filming, as of mid April 2009, yet, if the report quoted above is to be believed, it's going to be released on April 1^st (Fool's Day?) of 2010. Fish and chips anyone?

Perhaps the best write-up using such threadbare information is the article Filming begins on Clash of the Titans. My favorite part is: "The project is described as the ultimate struggle for power, which pits men against kings and kings against gods." Alas in yet another of the great Internet contradictions the article wraps with the following statement: "Clash of the Titans has begun filming in studios outside London and will later shoot in Wales and Tenerife."

Well which is it? Is the film "currently in pre-production" about to "begin filming" or actually in production, as the above article claims?

According to IGN dot com (which seems to be the source for many of these articles) : Titans Start Clashing as "Principal photography began today (April 27) on Warner Bros. Pictures and Legendary Pictures' epic action adventure Clash of the Titans".

Yet in The Australian article Classic role for rapidly rising Sam it states: "This week the National Institute of Dramatic Art graduate (Sam Worthington) began filming his third blockbuster in quick succession, Clash of the Titans. In the past 18 months he has taken leading roles in James Cameron's ambitious 3-D sci-fi film Avatar, which is due for release at Christmas, and opposite Christian Bale in the June 4 action release Terminator Salvation. <...> The Somersault star will take it down a peg in Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 film <...> due for release in April next year."

There you go. Apparently it's true. Assuming the movie keeps to this announced schedule that means Clash is going to be shot, go through post, and released to theaters in barely a year's time, at least in Australia. Not sure whether to laugh or cry. Maybe it wont be all that bad? Maybe it wont be a CGI crap fest that goes straight to SyFy? Maybe.

Sigh.

#end of line

[DVD Spotlight] Hercules Collection

2009-04-27T02:36:00.003-04:00

The Hercules Collection box set is currently on sale at Amazon for $10.49, a real bargain considering these are a slimline re-issue bundle of previously released titles that can still be found on Amazon for between $9.98 to $17.99 individually. This set contains the following:

Hercules/Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules

Hercules is in wide screen and looks fairly decent. .

However Mole Men is FS and a total eyesore. In fact the video quality is no better than the version found on the Warriors 50 movie pack, which makes you wonder where that version was sourced. Hmm.

###

Hercules and the Captive Women/Hercules, Prisoner of Evil

This is the best I've ever seen Hercules and the Captive Women look, and I used to have a VHS prerecord that was better than any of the PD DVD releases. Color is vibrant, the video is clear, it's widescreen, and has a touch of sci-fantasy that makes this a must see. .

Sadly Hercules Prisoner of Evil is full screen and so dark you can't see what's going on half the time. .

###

Hercules The Avenger / Hercules And The Black Pirate

Hercules the Avenger is a madcap pastiche utilizing stock footage from HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD and HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN to create an exegi monumentum aere perennius of exploitation hackery. .

The feature on the flip side is not really a Hercules movie at all. Rather it's a renamed swashbuckler. Alas it's FS and way too dark. Shame, it looked interesting, or would if you could actually see anything. .

###

Hercules and the Princess of Troy/Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops

For those paying attention there's three titles on this DVD, so technically that's 9 features in this set. I say technically because Hercules and the Princess of Troy was a pilot for a TV series. It runs only 47 minutes but is an entertaining diversion. Sadly this is also the worst DVD in the set. While a entertaining diversion the main feature, Hercules and the Princess of Troy, for all that it's fuzzy and the color a bit faded, has the best looking video of all the features on this disc. .

Giants of Rome is FS, too dark, and barely watchable. .

Atas in the Land of the Cyclops is even worse. .

Alas it's unlikely any other labels will be releasing better quality versions of these movies to R1. Not impossible, but as there have been high quality remastered editions of some of these released in Germany (R2) for a few years now and no one seems to be interested in licensing those prints this is, sadly, as good as it gets. So if you don't already have these titles on DVD you might consider getting this box set while it's on sale.

#End of Line.

Sale on at Amazon

2009-04-26T01:23:00.002-04:00

Film Fans take note there's currently a big Amazon Sci-Fi Sale on DVDs.

Also Ye Cosmic Cinema Amazon Shop has been updated with more titles and new categories.

Mise-en-scene Crypt rises from the grave!

2009-04-25T02:39:00.002-04:00

Greetings Film Fans,

After what seems like forever Yahoo 360 has FINALLY accepted, saved, and posted a prepared HTML for Mise-en-scene Crypt. So for you exploitation film lovers that means there's fially a fresh review up. It's short, to the point, and full of screen caps from Black Candles.

Enjoy!

P.S. Or, should the page not load, go the new Mise-en-scene Crypt (pain in the arse that it is) and view the same review here.

Kind Regards,

Kester Pelagius

[TGIF] Spotlight On: Reviews

2009-04-24T04:16:00.000-04:00

Every reviewer has their own approach. Some like to break a movie down, scene by scene, while others offer bare bones op-ed pieces that barely tell you anything and then there's the reviews that read more like ad copy. As those who've read the reviews here at Cosmic Cinema and at Mise-en-scene Crypt know my style is to try to present facts and a overview of the movie without giving too much away, when possible. But have you ever wondered what a reviewer looks for in a review?

To answer that question, and find out if the reviewers read reviews that reflect their own reviewing style, I'd like to start with a recent review I read A Spaghetti-Flavored Road Warrior —- “2019 : After The Fall Of New York” (word of warning that review may contain spoilers) from the Trash Film Guru blog. Here's a movie I've been intending to review but, for whatever reason, never got around to it. Sure I've started a review a few times but I've always felt my review style couldn't do this sort of movie justice. I mean where to begin? Well, if you're the Trash Film Guru you start with a simple question:

"Anybody else besides me miss the days when any reasonably successful — and reasonably cheap — movie genre birthed scores of Italian knock-offs? Yes, whether it was westerns, crime flicks, zombie movies, or Hitckcockian-style thrillers, there was always an Italian who figured he could do it quicker, cheaper, and—most importantly—bloodier."

As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do miss the era of quickie knock-offs. And not just those produced by Italians! Roger Corman was the king of knock-offs. When Hollywood released ALIEN Mr. Corman gave us GALAXY OF TERROR. When CONAN hit the big screen Mr. Corman gave us DEATHSTALKER. Of course the Italians were also quick to cash in on the sword-and-sorcery craze with movies like CONQUEST

The following line from Trash Film Guru's above review applies to most films produced during this golden age of knock-offs: "The special effects for this film are so mind-numbingly stupid they’ve got to be seen to be believed."

Amen brother!

However one thing missing from that review are screen caps. If you're like me screen caps make good reviews better and bad reviews tolerable. And you know what blog I book marked because the reviewer makes ample use of screen caps, Movies About Girls (formerly Boobs!). Just check out any of the following recent reviews to see why (warning may be NSFW): Cheerleaders Wild Weekend, Evil Toons, and Cougar Club. The reviews are informative, let you know availability of the movies, and, for those not on dial-up, there's even some trailers. There's even a nice tang of acerbic wit. For instance take this from the opening paragraph of the Cougar Club review:

"First off, I should point out the obvious: if you use the word "cougar" when describing older women who prefer the company of younger men, then please, stop reading. Just get the f#ck out of here. This "cougar" business is so obnoxious that it can really only appeal to college-age power-pukers, so how this film managed to get produced - and with an actual budget, and with actual actors - is seriously beyond me."

It gets worse, dear friends, much worse. I caught this movie on satellite. And, while I can't repeat the summary given for the movie here (lots of naughty curse words that we don't want the kiddies to read) I do mostly agree with it. This is an obnoxiously lame movie that could have been so much better, alas it never quite delivers in the titillation department and, well, read the review.

Of course there's far more than just blogs out there. One of the sites in the links sidebar is Tars Tarkas. A nice site with reviews of the interesting, not so interesting, and totally unexpected. Reviews of things like Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning. You'll just have to click the link on that one. Articles like this will make you wish for a direct downlink into your brain. However when I want to look for informative reviews I have two sites book marked Bad Movies dot org and Eccentric Cinema. Also worth a look, though the host seems to be on a short hiatus, is Million Monkey Theatre.

I've way more links in my bookmarks than that but, well, it's Friday and I figure that if you're still reading you must really be bored. So, to close this out, here's a few more sites that should be interesting (and probably NSFW) that should help you pass the time: Nunsploitation and Encyclopedia of WIP Films. Both sites offer reviews and (some) screen caps.

Enjoy the sites and try to stay out of trouble over the weekend film fans!

#end of line

Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 3

2009-04-22T05:28:00.000-04:00

Galactica Saga

Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 3

By C. Demetrius Morgan

From the Aella Chronicle

As adults it falls to us to teach the young. For children are born empty slates, thus they can be forgiven their youthful folly. Alas folly in an adult too often is perceived as stupidity, and stupidity unchecked becomes recklessness. As children of Kobol our ancestors, who crossed that vast void of space to settle the 12 Worlds, acted as children so often do when out of sight of their parents. So it was that, for a time and a season, our ancestors forgot who they had been. Those wondrous technologies of legend were laid down or forgotten, the colonies went their own ways until, over the course of time, all contact was lost.

We may wonder why and how, alas, after a thousand yahrens of unrelenting warfare, the colonies once more had been treading upon that same dangerous path toward isolation. We wanted to be left alone, to live our lives without being bothered, alas it was not to be. Had we but looked to our own history perhaps events would have unfolded differently.

Each of the 12 worlds recorded the return to space slightly differently, for it was not entirely a peaceful affair. We were, and ever have been, a prideful race. If our ancestors were able to do it then, so the logic followed, so too must we. But it wasn't until the colonies put aside their differences and came together, sharing fragments of ancient data, freely sharing our similar yet divergent histories; only then did colonial science and technology truly began to excel and evolve. It was together, as a single Colonial nation, not twelve individual planet-bound 'tribes', that we routed the Cylons when they first dared attack our worlds. Alas, even after a thousand yahrens of shared conflict against a malevolent alien foe, the ancient divisions remained beneath the surface.

# # # # #

ACT III - DELOS

"Alright people," Talbot began, "Soon as we get the green light from Delos control let's make this quick and as painless as possible. We all have Armistice celebrations to attend but fuel needs to be loaded and before we can do that we need to dock and disembark the passengers."

"Sounds like you have plans, captain." Sestina teased.

She knew full well that Talbot had spent more cubits than was in his comfort zone for a special Armistice costume, not that he'd let anyone see it, then again for his roguish affectations Talbot was a great big daggit. Of course there'd been some speculation amongst the crew who the lucky lady was.

"As a matter of fact," Talbot replied, "I do. First, and foremost, is seeing that this ship docks without incident."

Chuckling, "So will you be going to Caprica City or- ?"

"And waste perfectly good cubits on a skybus? Hardly. I will be attending the festivities at Planet Leisuron."

Talbot left out how he'd come to that decision after seeing how much his Armistice costume was going to cost. But if all worked out the way he hope with his paramour, well, then it would be worth every cubit.

"Nice place. Bit swanky for my tastes though." Brackett noted.

"Bet that cost a few cubits," Sestina commented, "hope it's worth it."

"She is," Talbot, momentarily distracted by new data on his board, murmured.

"Looks like we've got green lights all across the board from Delos." Bracket announced.

"She's ready for docking. Waiting your orders, captain."

"Let's take her in then."

Sestina smiled.

* * *

Niobe entered the small Phoenix lounge and did not like what she saw. Tychon and Egg were hefting frosted mugs and, judging by the expressions on their faces, it was probably of something better than the usual grog they got back home. She only hoped it wasn't their first round because they weren't going to enjoy another sip. Sometimes life was an unfair bitch; today that job fell to her.

"I thought I told you two to get to quarters," Niobe said as she took the mug from Egg's hand.

"Ma'am?" Tychon inquired with innocent puppy daggit eyes.

"Don't ma'am me," her eyes cut through Ty's light buzz like lasers through paper, "you know you've both got duties to attend on Delos that require a clear head. This isn't a dog run. No time for playing, boys.

"There'll be plenty of time for," she punctuated her remark by lifting the mug to her nose, "ambrosia later. And I'd suggest you stay away from the socialators."

"Socialators?" Egg's mouth actually dropped open.

"E-T-A to Delos station dock 10 centons," a voice chimed in over the intercom.

"You heard?"

Niobe's stern retort and unflinching glare left no room for misinterpretation.

"Ma'am," the ensigns said together as they turned heel and made haste toward the door.

"Bit harsh, don't you think?"

Niobe turned at the sound of the sweet, yet gratingly intrusive, voice. A lovely young blonde woman stood by the bar, empty glass in hand. Yet despite her charmingly disarming smile and the sparkle of laughter dancing in her piercing azure eyes Niobe's warning klaxon was ringing red alert.

* * *

"We have a problem." Sestina announced in her familiar no nonsense tone.

"Oh?" Talbot inquired.

"Looks like the port stabilizer's malfunctioning again."

"Ignore the red light," Brackett injected, "It's a minor problem with the internal sensors. Nothing a bit of station maintenance can't fix."

"I'm not made of cubits, you know." Talbot cautioned.

"Be that as it may, sir," Sestina replied, "I'd feel better if we got it looked at. I don't like seeing red lights on my board."

"Point taken. Might as well mention that when Delos control contacts us. And don't forget to tell them about the Demeter."

Rolling her eyes, "Not that there's much to tell."

"I have a feeling, call it a hunch, that there's more to the Demeter than meets the eye."

"I don't know," Brackett countered, "she didn't look like much, Cap'n, but according to the sensors she really was as beat up as she appeared."

"So does half the outlaw traffic out there. Looks can be deceiving, and sensors fooled."

"If anyone knows about being deceiving," Sestina muttered.

"What was that, first officer?"

"Nothing, sir, nothing."

'Youth today,' Talbot thought as he shook his head in mock disdain.

* * *

The first thing visitors to Delos noticed was choreographed chaos. It was a dance between checking baggage through station security, keeping out of the way of embarking and disembarking visitors, logging in, and dodging yet more people to find which terminal was the right egress to the level assigned each visitor; or at least to where it was they wanted to go. To Creusa, as steward aboard the Phoenix, he was all too happy to get the passengers into that stream of chaos as quickly as possible.

"Safe Journey and Happy Armistice," Creusa said with a formal bow as the group of Socialators approached to disembark.

"Thank you," the tall blonde said with a polite, if less formal, curtsey.

"It's been a pleasure," Creusa replied.

"Not quite, but then there's always the return trip."

Creusa actually found himself blushing at that mild jovial retort. There was something about the tall blonde. She exuding a charm and charisma that went beyond the usual practiced elegance most Socialators affected.

"Behave yourself," Calybe chided.

"Always," Cassiopeia winked conspiratorially at Creusa.

Creusa's eyes lingered on the blonde after she left just the barest of moments longer than decorum allowed and, not for the first time this trip, he entertained thoughts about how things might have been if he were but a few yahrens younger. It was a nice flight of fantasy, one he'd like to contemplate in depth, but he had other passengers to attend to.

* * *

Delos wasn't just a space station in geo synchronous orbit above Caprica. It was the space station. It hung in space amidst smaller fueling and warehousing platforms like a majestic leviathan around which starships glided like minnows. Its eateries were renowned throughout the colonies for, it was said, there was not a colonial dish, no matter how exotic or obscure, that could not be had there. Delos was a hub of activity with separate and distinct levels operated and maintained by delegations and personnel from each of the 12 Worlds.

The first thing Egg noticed about Delos was the smell. That there was one wasn't unusual. Most space stations, and vessels, had a scent of sterility covered up by a slight charcoal-like smell caused by the apparatus used to filter out body odor and other less than hygienic fragrances. Not Delos. The first breath of Delos air through his nostrils smelled vaguely of a damp spring meadow with a hint of something floral.

"Smell that!" he exclaimed.

"What?" Tychon asked.

"The air," Egg punctuated his remark by taking a deep audible breath.

"Probably just some scent a pompous Siress had her attendants spray."

Egg turned to glare at Tychon, but found him already busy leering at a group of young female greeters standing near a Scorpia Cooler dispenser. How anyone could stomach that bottled swill was beyond him. Flavored sweet water was all it really was and-

"You both know where you need to be," Niobe framed her question as a statement of fact.

"Yes, cousin." Egg blushed at the slip of the tongue.

Smiling, "Big place. Lot's to see. You sure you two boys will be alright?"

Egg visibly blanched at the jibe but Tychon just turned, his most endearing smile plastered on his youthfully smug face, and nodded affirmative.

"Of course, ma'am."

"Egg?"

"Co- I mean, yes, Ma'am!"

"And no dawdling for ambrosia or scorpia coolers this time," she yelled after the departing pair but she doubted they heard her.

* * *

Talbot watched the fuel readouts nervously as the Phoenix eased out of the main docking area. There was a lot of civilian traffic waiting to dock; mostly skybuses, and he didn't trust the maneuvering thrusters or piloting skills of the operators of those smaller craft.

"Let's try not to burn up anymore of our fuel getting to the fueling port than we need to," Talbot admonished to no one in particular.

Sestina bit her tongue from pointing out, as she had on many other occasions, that worrying about wasting fuel while maneuvering in space dock made about as much sense as worrying about a leaky airlock when a ship's been exposed to vacuum.

Instead she said, "Lights are all green. Fuel consumption is nominal."

"Good. Let's keep it that way."

Talbot got up, "Sestina take over. I've got just enough time to get into that fool suit I bought and prep the shuttle."

"You're going to pilot her yourself?" Brackett asked incredulously.

"Any reason I shouldn't? You did say she's-"

"Oh, yes, she's fine. Just a problem with a faulty coil."

"Alright then. The big seat is yours Sestina"

And with that Talbot Chabrol left the bridge.

* * *

Niobe wasted little time logging in and was soon entering the main dance floor of an establishment not quite as swanky as Planet Leisuron yet it was a hive of activity. She entered with a group of handsomely attired colonial warriors in freshly creased new uniforms, none of whom she knew, but what drew most eyes their way was wasn't her company or their smart new uniforms but rather what she was wearing. She wore a dress uniform, which was just as new, yet it was like something out of a HD play from the beginning of the thousand-yahren war. However on her it was elegant simplicity. Her silken dress tunic was tightly formed to display the most flattering aspects of her shape, even where it tapered into a pleated peplum almost-skirt.

Alas her uniform was also, to some eyes, archaic. Many whispered remarks were made, some none too discreetly, about Gemonese intractability about moving forward into the modern age. It was all Niobe could do to kept from biting her tongue off while attempting not to voice the venomous counter remarks she'd like to make.

'Some people,' she thought. This was supposed to be a celebration. Some people just couldn't let outmoded stereotypes go.

"Nice dress uniform, Niobe."

Niobe turned, a biting retort ready to launch from her lips like a Viper into battle.

"It was Niobe, wasn't it?"

"Uhm, yes. ."

Niobe nervously straightened an imaginary crease as she tilted her head to hide a blush.

"You were one of the, uhm, women aboard the Phoenix, right?"

"Yes."

"It's a classic pattern," Niobe found herself suddenly blurting, " Never been officially retired."

"And you wear it well. You look like you could go straight from the dance floor into the cockpit of a Viper."

"Starhound," she corrected absentmindedly.

"Starhound? That like a Viper?"

"Not exactly. It's an older model fighter that used to be in regular service close to a hundred yahrens ago. There probably aren't many left in service with line fleet units but some bases and outposts still use them and, of course, they make great trainers."

Niobe knew she was blathering but she was earnestly embarrassed. Living on Gemoni one can become insulated to trends, especially those concerning fashion, and she did ask for a simple classical dress uniform. It was her right after all, not that most Warriors bothered anymore, what with the cost. But it wasn't merely that she could afford it. The standard dress uniform she was issued never quite fit right.

"Oh? Why's that?"

Niobe looked up with a start, she was so nervous she'd almost forgotten Aella was there.

"Why's, oh, because their basic flight characteristics aren't too dissimilar from that of Viper models currently in active fleet service."

"If they're so similar to Vipers why aren't they still in use?"

"It's complicated. For starters if you saw one they would look similar to a Viper but with the cockpit moved further up the fuselage to make room for a oversized top thruster/engine, larger pulse canons, yet neither of them are as powerful what's mounted on Vipers today."

"Can't you just put new engines and pulsars in them?"

"That's part of the problem. Starhounds only have two wings. They're slightly larger than the wings on a Viper and swept forward with inset ailerons, uhm, stabilizer fins that flip up when the fighter is in planetary flight mode."

"What does that have to do with engines and pulsars?"

Aella smiled warmly. She realized the young warrior was babbling out of nervousness and decided to put her training to use and help her feel more at ease. It seemed the right thing to do.

"It's something about weigh ratios. The engines in a modern viper are proportionally half to a third the size and, thanks to advances in poly composites, weigh a lot less than the same sized engines we made even a hundred yahrens ago. And that doesn't even take into account compatibly issues with the power planets. To get new hardware into those old war daggits would require a total rebuild and. ."

"And there's no point to do that since you've got Vipers."

"Exactly!"

Aella noted that Niobe was smiling just as warmly now and seemed to no longer seem as ill at ease in her own skin as she did a few moments ago.

"Good," Aella said, "Now how about we find some refreshment?"

The few lingering looks that followed the women were for entirely different reasons. And had either woman been aware of the lewd speculation behind some of them a few of the individual may have spent the remainder of the Armistice in a life station pondering quite different matters.

* * *

(To be continued in: Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 4)

# # # # #

Are Bloggers Cultists?

2009-04-20T01:40:00.012-04:00

If you're a fan of the horror genre and have a horror themed blog some people apparently seem to think so. Seems odd to me. But what do I know. Anyway this all started with me reading some blogs and tumbling to a discussion going on about horror bloggers apparently spawned by comments about Paul Naschy movies between the hosts of Groovy Age of Horror and the And Now the Screaming Starts blogs. If you don't know who Paul Naschy is I suggest you pop over to The Mark of Naschy for a crash course. The spark for this discourse is summed up in the post: How do fans experience the stuff they love?

I'm posting this not so much because the argument is interesting (though it is interesting reading) but because it is, in my opinion, precipitated by the misuse of an single word. That word being: cultist.

Behold the offending line: "I propose that horror bloggers aren't so much experts as they are cultists."

That sentence sounds rather offensive when you take it out of context and just put it up on screen by itself, doesn't it? Why not call them hobbyists or enthusiasts?

A cult, loosely defined, is a specific form and/or system of religious worship as expressed through ceremonies and rites. While it is true cults may venerate certain objects these are almost always items viewed as phylacteries. Now it could be argued that cultists, being members of a cult, having a shared cultus of devotional symbols and ideologies appears similar to the sort of veneration fandom in general imbues the object(s) of their admiration with. But this hardly qualifies as religious devotion. And, most certainly, as a host of a genre themed blog myself- albeit dedicated to science fiction not horror, per se- I would scarcely say this makes me a sci-fi cultist.

Simply put there is no sci-fi cult. No corpus of sci-fi scripture. No sci-if philosophy upon which to meditate. There are, however, movies and novels and comics and other genre related entertainment media that we can discuss, analyze, and critically review.

Keyword: entertainment.

To further compound the confusion- as I'm sure you're probably scratching your heads wondering why I'm posting about this- take this bit of commentary: "Cultists, on the other hand, are best distinguished not only by their deep knowledge, but by an idiosyncratic set of critical standards." (Emphasis mine.)

Really? Would you apply this to the members of Heaven's Gate? The followers of Jim Jones? Scientology? I mention the latter for a reason. There is great debate over whether it is a cult or not. You see Scientologist's don't like that word applied to them. Nor do most religious groups. And with good reason. The word "cult" carries connotations that are primarily derogatory. Granted there exists in the vernacular of cinema the term Cult Film but, like space opera, it was most likely not originally implied as a term of endearment.

That may seem like splitting hairs or nitpicking but there's rhyme to my reason, as shall soon be shown in good season, for, you see dear friends, there is more to come ahead, not easily does this blend, for here's the next quote to be read:

"In trying to explain Naschy's appeal, Curt described a sort of genre fandom "double vision." Nobody is blind to the cheesy make-up, occasionally awkward acting, or often heavy-handed "stylishness" of these films. But, for the fans, you see through - not past - these things to the mental world they suggest. In the works of Naschy, it's a darkly seductive alternative universe driven by the erotic and forbidden impulses we confine and suppress in the real world.

I suspect my love of lucha works on almost the exact same principle, only the end result is different. I don't really buy the whole "dark and forbidden thing." When I look around me, I see a world that happily caters to our basest whims. Short of homicide on demand, is there anything we can't pull up on the Internet?"

And I'd like to stop the argument train right there. Here's what the OP fails to understand, these movies have appeal because they are from a era where there was no Interenet. Too many people today are jaded. There's more pornographic imagery available at your fingertips today than ever there was a mere decade ago. There's certain words it's just not safe to type into a Google image search, even with safe search turned on!

But, and here's the news flash, some of us don't care. No, honestly, some of us really don't care about the Internet porn. Some of us, I know this will shock and amaze, perhaps even astound, but some of us actually prefer these old movies because they are from a time before the Internet made us all jaded at the sight of filth. In fact these movies come from a time when we knew filth when we saw it and it was good! Of course these movies aren't filth, never were intended to be, though they sure did keep your eyes glued to the screen hoping you'd see something. You weren't sure what, exactly, but then again even a glimpse of bare ankle or side boobage was really something way back when.

I know every old person says the same thing to the younger generation, that things were better in their day. But seldom has that been truer than today. I'm sorry but when we live in a world where "2 girls 1 cup" has been discussed on TV- not to mention at least half the people reading this sadly know what I am talking about- then check me out of this crazy reality and give me a Paul Naschy movie to watch. Preferably one I haven't seen yet, like Inquisition or a properly framed unexpurgated release of Count Dracula's Great Love.

Just don't call me a cultist because I happen to like watching genre movies. I think that was a poor choice of words. If that makes me a Grammar Nazi, then click your heels and wish for home because I'm not going to apologize. Words have meaning. If you must call me something and can't pronounce my handle refer to me as a fan, a hobbyist, or how about that guy with the fun blog about science fiction movies and stuff?

Have a great day my fellow film fans!

#end of line

Clash of the Titans remake finally getting made?

2009-04-19T12:11:00.001-04:00

Looks like there's finally some progress happening with the Clash of the Titans remake that was announced back in 2006. The big news is Liam Neeson has been tapped for the part of Zeus. However what's disconcerting is, according to the articles (written April of this year), "Shooting will begin on the film later this month in Britain and will see Neeson team up with Ralph Fiennes for the first time since 1993 Oscar winner Schindler's list."

Fiennes will apparently be playing the part of Hades. Other actors announced include Mads Mikkelsen (as Draco), Gemma Arterton (as the demi-goddess Io), Alexa Devalos (as Andromeda), and Sam Worthington (as Perseus). In other words it's taken close to three bloody years just to get out of the announced idea slash pre-production stage and into the maybe-possibly-perhaps ready to start shooting stage. This article mentioned that Louis Leterrier (The Incredible Hulk) will direct.

But has it actually gotten to the production stage? This project has been bandied about for quite a few years with many different names attached to it.

One article casually mentions the film is "due out next year", which if true doesn't bode well for the film's quality in my opinion. It is now April. For this movie to get filmed, go through post production, and hit theatres sometime next year would mean this would have to literally be one of those hackneyed rush jobs where principle photography is done in a few weeks (or less) and post-production takes months. If this is the case my vote is just save critics poison pens the ink and trash the project before it further devolves into a straight to SyFy monstrosity.

Too, I am forced to ask, why Neeson as Zeus? I'm not saying Neeson can't play the role. But it seems like the only reason he got cast was name recognition. Has anyone involved with this lame duck production bothered to LOOK at the CENTURIES worth of artifacts in museums? Does Neesom remotely resemble any statue or, say, any idealized painting of Zeus?

Granted you put the right fake beard on Mr. Neeson and he'll look fine, but then you could probably say that of anyone. I suppose that "name power" trumps casting to type. Unless you're talking about statuary from the archaic period, in which case I think there were a few representations of Zues sans beard from that era. Yet Liam, in his prime, was more of an Apollonian youth. As a veteran actor Mr. Neeson, in my opinion, has the gravitas to portray Hades. Similarly Fiennes seems better suited to filling the sandals of Hephaestus. But what do I know. All I was ever able to come up with as a fantasy cast for my version of Clash of the Titans was a flawed, if entertaining, group of character actors. .

Yes, I know, there's no Centauress in Clash. But, c'mon, it's Jolene Blalock! Topless! Now THAT would be worth the price of admission.

#end of line

Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 2

2009-04-15T12:50:00.000-04:00

Galactica Saga

Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 2

By C. Demetrius Morgan

From the Aella Chronicle:

The location of the star system from which our ancestors emigrated has long since been lost to the mists of time and the obscuring fog of myth. And what is known of that distant mother world? A single word ran through the legends of the 12 Worlds and that word was: Kobol.

The Lords of Kobol, for lords they were, true masters of the sciences and their world, had spread out amongst the stars seeding many worlds. Yet, being merely human, and possessed of mortal frailties and faults they, too, over the course of time saw themselves grow decadent. Some say they foolishly attempted to harness powers man was not meant to possess. Others say that while the Lords of Kobol were still at the height of their power a discontent spread through them, a wanderlust, and that a great emigration began. Whatever the truth the facts, as best anyone can know them, are that the 12 Colonies were established and settled by the last of the great "tribes" to emigrate from that distant mother world.

Yet what will our descendants say of the colonies? Will they even remember the 12 Worlds? The Cylon tyranny? Perhaps our story will become fragments of myth and legend about a distant time and space, much as has happened with the memory of Kobol.

# # # # #

ACT II - PHOENIX

The Phoenix, having taken aboard a number of passengers, including a Socialator and Colonial Warriors, at least one of which is a Gemonese female, begins it's disembarkation sequence as Sestina, the Phoenix's first officer, sat at her console plotting a course to break orbit and engage cruising speed to Caprica. Nor was the crew of the Phoenix alone in wanting to get out of Gemonese space as quickly as possible.

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Phoenix, lords and ladies," a voice spoke from the intercom, "This is your captain speaking, Talbot Chabrol, we're fueled and ready to go. Refreshments will be available for the next centare. So sit back and enjoy the stars for our next stop is the Inner Planets and peace!"

Niobe listened to the announcement with maudlin concern. Throughout the colonies everyone was hoping for peace. Yet their expectations ran far deeper than that. She'd already had a discomfiting encounter with a small group of passengers on her way to her cabin that eyed her uniform and sidearm with something approaching disdain. Nor was it entirely because of the Armistice. Warriors were ever increasingly viewed as aloof guardians of a antiquated social structure of an bygone age thanks to that pudgy merchant-prince Baltar, whose rise to prominence in the councils of the colonies was almost as meteoric as certain ensigns penchant for getting into-

"Trouble," Niobe muttered as she marched out the door.

Not for the first time since she'd been put in charge of cadet training Niobe wondered if her life wouldn't have been far simpler if she'd become a fire juggler. At least then she'd only have to worry about hot headed young males once every seven years.

* * *

Egg and Tychon barely took notice of the announcement as they hastily dumped their baggage in their compartments and made a bee line for the lounge, where they hoped to find more than just refreshments.

"Did you see that lovely brunette?"

"Easy, Ty, we're supposed to keep out of trouble, remember?"

"Oh, she's the kind of trouble I wouldn't mind getting into."

"Don't you ever think of anything else?"

"What's there to think about! Everyone's celebrating life, what with the armistice, and we are representing Gemini after all. How can we not share in that sense of jubilation?"

"Because it'll take more than fancy flying and fast talking to keep us out of the brig, this time, that's why you reprobate."

Laughing, "C'mon, I think the lounge is this way."

* * *

On the bridge Talbot smiled, knowing full well how his informal greeting and use of his full name would rattle some. Then he'd never much cared for the stodgy caste formalities. It wasn't his fault certain colonies developed cultures in which the use of any but proper familial names was considered impolitic. Besides he'd had enough of formalities when in colonial service.

"Well this ought to be an interesting cruise, too bad it's going to be a short one"

"If you say so captain."

"Where is your sense of adventure Sestina? Your spirit of. ."

"My desire to see men act like borays?"

"Why whatever do you mean!"

"Captain, I know as well as you who we have aboard. And while under different circumstance it might be amusing, entertaining even, to see what sort of mischief our mix of passengers gets up to right now all I care about is getting to Caprica and enjoying an extended leisuron of armistice celebrations."

"Fair point. Well then what are you waiting for Ms. Navigator? Plot a course and get us out of here!"

"Course set and getting us out of here, aye!"

"You know it didn't always used to be this way."

Sestina rolled her eyes. She hated it when Chabrol got into one of his waxing nostalgic moods.

"Did you ever hear about Dzihuth?"

"Odd name. Was he one of the colonial warriors you worked with when you were a marine?"

Laughing, "Goodness me, no. I'm old but not quite that old. Besides Dzihuth wasn’t a person, it was a ship. One of the last deep star exploration vessels. A great, great, great uncle or something of mine many times removed was attached to the project, I forget how. All this recent talk about an armistice got me to remembering about that bit of my illustrious family history."

"Oh," Sestina replied noncommittally, "so is that what you're hoping to do once the war is over. Pick up where your great, great many times removed ancestor left off?"

"That's not what I meant at all. You see the Dzihuth was launched, well, I forget when exactly but it was during a period of decreased tension early on during the thousand yahren war. We still didn't know much about the Cylons back then, thought we could peacefully coexist. But the lesson the Colonies learned seems to have been lost and forgotten, like the Dzihuth.

"Did you know we had just begun opening new frontiers and were establishing outposts before the outbreak of the thousand yahren war? Most colonials have become so insulated they don't see anything beyond the sky above their heads. They forget that, once, we were spreading out into other star systems when, wham, the Cylons came at us like rogue asteroids."

"Sorry to interrupt sir," Sestina said as she double checked the readings on her console, "We're well on our way now. ETA to Delos and Caprica 3 centare 28 centons, taking the quickest route possible at full cruise. There's a lot of traffic out there today."

"Still sounds like we should make our schedule."

"Depends on the traffic. I've plotted almost a straight line course but we'll need to keep a constant eye on the vectors of some of the smaller ships out there."

"Agreed."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the observation deck lounge, Cassiopeia, a statuesque woman nearly as tall as most warriors, was wearing a smile of childlike glee as she stood, arms outstretched, and spun in a circle, "See how the color shifts subtly in the weave?"

"It's lovely," Aella commented.

"Orion silk, isn't it?" Calybe observed with a twinkle in her eye.

Aella's eyes widened, "Must have cost a small fortune."

Cassiopeia turned to Aella, "Now, now young lady what did you learn about discussing affluence. Remember your protocol lessons and mind your etiquette."

Blushing, "Sorry Cassiopeia, it was an importunate remark."

"Yes it was," she replied with mock sternness then smiled, "but you're right this marvelously flimsy dress is probably worth my weight in cubits!"

And it was flimsy, for Orion silk was sheer as gossamer, yet when fashioned by a master tailor it was a tantalizing sight to behold for it hid as much as it potentially revealed.

"So what's the occasion?" Calybe probed.

* * *

"See, I told you this was the way to the lounge."

"So you did. Wow, would you look at that!" Egg said in a hushed whisper pointing to the twirling woman across the room.

"She's a beauty, but blondes aren't-"

"No, not her, well I do mean her, but rather what's she's wearing."

Blinking in confusion, "It is nice but I'm afraid you've lost me."

"I swear that's the same dress they had at the dress maker's Niobe got her new uniform at. I teased her about getting something like that for herself, she elbowed me so hard I thought for sure she'd broken a rib."

Whistling, "Means cubits. Your sister never was one to skimp on clothiers Which reminds me, you still own me from-."

"They've noticed us, quick, let's move over to the bar before they get the wrong idea."

"And what's wrong with that?" Tychon replied with a leering smile.

* * *

A warning chime from the navigation station drew Sestina's attention away from the screen where she'd been monitoring Lyra's Armistice broadcast.

"Captain, looks like one of those craft you wanted us to keep an eye out for is almost directly in our path."

Talbot quirked an eyebrow, "We're barely 47 centons out, it's probably just a sky-bus full of people celebrating. Better warn them they've wandered off the regular route before they get lost out here."

"It's too big to be a sky-bus. Not getting a clear transponder signal and the guidebook is having trouble identifying the vessel."

"Give me a visual."

"Coming up, now-"

"Frak. That thing looks ancient. What's the guidebook's best tentative ID?"

"That's the interesting part. The guidebook gives a 20% chance it's an 5^th millennium Orion freighter, a 20% change it's a old Colonial livestock transport, and a 10% chance it's a converted Cylon tanker."

"Not a lot of help there," Talbot replied as he glanced intently at the visual on screen.

"Well it's not a tanker, the engine configuration is all wrong, and that ship was built by someone with a sense of aesthetics, which rules out the Cylons. Almost looks Delphian."

"Delphian?" Sestina replied incredulously.

"There's a symmetry to her that looks like something from-"

A second chime from the navigational console drew their attention.

"About time," Sestina injected testily, "Captain we have an clear transponder signal, says she's the Demeter."

* * *

(To be continued in: Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 3)

# # # # #

HERCULES: HALF MAN. HALF GOD. ALL POWER.

2009-04-13T13:18:00.000-04:00

Year: 2005

Run Time: 127 minutes (listed); 129 minutes (actual)

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Cast: Paul Telfer, Sean Astin, Leelee Sobieski, Kim Coates, Timothy Dalton, Elizabeth Perkins, Leeanna Walsman, Peter McCauley, Kristian Schmid.

Director: Roger Young

Official Sites: RHI Entertainment (US), Magna Pacific (Aus)

DVD Features

Full Screen
Scene Selection
Trailers
Hercules: The Myth Comes Alive (featurette)

PREMISE: A retelling of the Hercules story on par with Nero or Augustus that creates it's own narrative while managing to construct a simple yet moderately entertaining tale that follows the life of a would be hero called Hercules.

THE REALITY: This movie/mini series, while ludicrous at times, walks a fine line between being an tedious bore and mildly amusing. Alas roughly the first hour is spent on the machinations of characters not called Hercules. In fact the titular hero isn't even born yet when the series starts.

THE STORY: The followers of Hera (being women) and Zeus (being men) are in constant conflict with each other. This conflict fuels the palace intrigues and inter cult machinations that shape the cultural mores which form the societal tapestry into which Hercules is born, raised, and has to live his life. For Hercules, being a man, that apparently means his lot in life is to suffer.

ASSESSMENT: In a bold move the scriptwriter for Hercules decided not to start the story with the titular character but to instead waste screen time presenting the ridiculously contrived intrigues of peripheral characters, including a very gender specific religious animosity fueling the hatred between followers of Zues and Hera; storylines that would have been better left on the cutting room floor. The story of Hercules doesn't really get started until nearly a third of the way in. Even then the action is disappointing. But what's really shockingly bad is the CGI. Certain CGI creatures are so poorly rendered they are a distraction. This is not immediately evident in stills but. .

While that doesn't seem that bad; upon closer examination. .

The CGI just sticks out like a sore thumb. And the VFX suffers from the usual problems of budget productions. For instance the following, when viewed during play, looks like Gollum on a horse. .

But when you take a close look at the still you notice something far worse. The CGI graphic appears to be a poor quality 2D paint overlay. There really was no need for such cheap CGI graphics. The production could have done everything live action and it would have looked far better. Witness these characters. .

Otherwise this is not that bad, once it actually gets around to telling the story of Hercules. Alas the story is set against a backdrop of palace intrigues and religious conflict fueled by the hatred of Zeus and Hera cultists; meaning men and women. Herein resides a gender themed morality play framed as a parable about religion. Which begs the question: Is this about the mythological hero, Hercules, or is it about palace intrigues and religious machinations of the followers of Hera and Zeus?

The 'movie' portrays the followers of Zeus as pompous rapist zealots who love nothing more than to get drunk and ram their swords into other men and, believe it or not, the harridan followers of Hera are even worse! The Hera cultists are conniving harlots who hold life, particularly male life, to be meaningless. They've no qualms with committing infanticide nor using male children as proxy instruments of murder. They use potions and poison as a matter of course. Alas there is not really any subtext here beyond a sad commentary that religion is a morally corrupting influence on humanity. A message, if indeed that was the intent, that could have been delivered wasting far less of the audience's time. Then again a major chunk of this feature is missing. .

MISSING SCENES

I vaguely recollect watching the miniseries when it aired yet, watching the DVD, something seemed wrong; like the listed run time of 127 minutes. Similar Hallmark/RHI releases in my video library that were miniseries events have run times of 170± minutes. That is a clue as blatant as the thunder crack of doom from the hairy unkempt gorilla occupying the cubicle next to you that a big stink is about to fill the room.

Why the disparity? Taking a wild guess based on information found online this may have something to do with NBC. According to archived articles found online a truncated 3-hour version of the 4-hour miniseries aired at 8 P.M. on NBC, Monday, May 16, 2005. However I seem to recall seeing this either on the USA network or the Sci-Fi channel. As both are subsidiaries of NBC Universal it's even possible the mini series aired on both networks. In short the R1 DVD contains a truncated/ edited version of the mini series.

* * warning potential spoilers ahead * *

ALTERNATE VERSIONS: It appears there are numerous releases of Hercules with virtually all save the Thai and R1 release in wide screen. The Thai release is likely a direct port of the R1 release. However the listed run time of the Japanese DVD release is 178 minutes, the Netherlands release lists a run time of 161 minutes, the New Zealand DVD clocks in at 170 minutes, as does the Australian DVD release. Considering some of those releases appear to be in wide screen that's ample proof that R1 consumers got shafted. But why release such a severely cut version only to R1 DVD? Sadly I don't have an answer. It is curious that NBC aired a edited version and a similarly truncated version was released only to R1 DVD. So what's missing?

THE MINI-SERIES: The mini series runs 177 minutes, sans commercials, and contains many minor, yet significant, differences. The most noticeable found in the opening scene. To those who have only seen the faux "theatrical edit" on the R1 DVD the forest ritual from the opening scene is presented with an entirely different context.

In the DVD this ritual elapses over the course of barely 2-3 minutes as the narration plays and the scene cuts back and forth from the forest to a ship battered by turbulent seas. Here the ritual's tone, despite being led by priestesses of Hera, has an oddly Celtic feel. Too the invocations are brief, baffling, and do not reflect the Hera of actual Greek mythology. It's all rather confused for in this truncated version we are witness to what is, essentially, a ritual sacrifice more befitting a chthonic or underworld deity, which Hera most certainly is not.

Viewing this same scene in the mini series is a revelation for it is expanded over several minutes. It's form and function therein provides more depth and, though seeming to be a paraphrased amalgam of neo-pagan harvest ritual and Invocation of the Goddess possibly mixing in confused mis-remembrances of Pliny's account of the Druid's ritual of oak and mistletoe, at least presents the Hera worshippers as being more than some blood crazed murder cult meeting in the dark wood. .

There's more dialogue, character interaction, reveling, and other situations not seen in the R1 DVD version. This changes the entire subtext of the scene from morbid ritual one might expect to find evil Druids officiating at on some dark Samhain eve in a horror feature to a elaborate, if curious, harvest/fertility ritual complete with sacrificial harvest king. There is much dancing, merry making, and musical accompaniment and the scene goes on for 5-6 minutes! The DVD version is edited so that Leelee Sobieski's Dryad character (the series simply refers to her as a Nymph). .

Seems to be officiating over the sacrifice. In the mini series the Dryad is an non-participant observer watching the ceremony from her perch in a nearby tree. There is a brief exchange between two women making fun of the fact the Nymph has "chosen the path of the virgin goddess" and does not want to participate in the ceremony by pairing up with one of the blindfolded men to engage in ritual sex. The entire tone of the scene, not to mention the audience's perception of Leelee Sobieski's character, is thus altered!

VERDICT: This is supposed to be about Hercules, the mythical hero whose deeds became legend, not some frenzied fictionalized pseudo feminist (or whatever) screed disguised as an exploration of neo-pagan Hellenic cults. Taking into account the disparity between versions viewed it's clear American audiences were cheated by the Lions Gate DVD. A lame attempt to rescue this nonsense with voice over narration proclaiming it pure fantasy (even that was bungled) begins with the opening narration: "Come back in time, not to a century or millennia, but to an age outside history. A time of myth and fantasy."

Myth IS history as represented in legend, folklore, and tradition. It is NOT synonymous with fantasy, which intimates made up nonsense or make believe. This narration smacks of being an weak eleventh hour attempt to pull the wool over the audiences eyes with a bait and switch. It is a epic fail and unnecessary. However sticklers for film adaptations sticking close to the source material may want to avoid this. This version of the Hercules legend presents a faux neo-pagan fantasy using creatures and character names lifted primarily from the Greco-Roman myth cycle set in lands of a generic and ill defined distant antiquity. It is thus no worse than the typical dumbed down Disney cartoon version of mythology. This Hercules is thus not proper Greek mythology, but that will only matter to the handful of people who've actually studied mythology and know that a Dryad is but one type of Nymph. What matters is cohesiveness of story and presentation. In this regard the mini series is the superior edit while the R1 DVD is a overtly long bad movie that's an interesting, if flawed, production worth seeing at least once.

Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire

2009-04-10T01:04:00.000-04:00

After sitting through the 1 hour premiere that aired earlier this evening I wasn't going to admit ever knowing this existed, much less watching it. It's that lame. But what's infuriating is it shouldn't be. This has potential to be a BLACK ADDER quality dark comedy or a tits out in-your-face adult spoof. Alas it's one dull Jr. High School cliché after another. Even the basic plot is standard Fantasy 101. You have the wouldbe hero fighing the evil power, ala Robin Hood, that's also the prophesied "Golden Boy" (or whatever) and his band of merry men plus one woman. Krod is sort of Roar meets South Park in a Mirror, Mirror D&D setting.

However in reading comments over at the IMDB forum one stuck out: "The girl was pretty sexy, but that's about it."

Amen, brother!

The "hot chick" is pretty much the only reason to tune in, even if she is called Aneka (played by relative newcomer India de Beaufort) in blatant satire/nod to the Anakin character from the prequel Star Wars trilogy. Alas, this being the post politically correct era, and a non-premium commercial cable television station, her main attributes are never really on display to distract us from the tedium and the less than salubrious semi-puns.

So what reeled me in to watch the pilot initially? The fact the promos made it look like a medieval comedy with touches of sword-and-sorcery, that and recognizing a few comedy faces from BBC America promos from a few years back. For instance the villain, Chancellor Dongalor (Matt Lucas), is a British star known for doing a comedy show called Little Britain. His evil minion sidekick Barnabus (Alex MacQueen), while not immediately known to me, appears to be another star of British comedy series. Then there is Zezelryck- the "token black" sorcerer whose character is also an bumbling "comedy side kick"- played by Kevin Hart; an American comedian whose talents seem wasted here.

Considering how much comedic talent I've identified so far the level of un-funny on display is bewildering. Worse, the actor playing Krod (the dork hero of the piece) is Sean Maguire, the English actor who played Leonidas in the OFT maligned spoof of 300, MEET THE SPARTANS. So far I've somehow managed to not see that movie but I've heard a lot about how bad it's supposed to be. And, yes, all the "jokes" in Krod are as elementary and transparent as the title suggests.

Is it utterly lame? Well there weren't any real laughs for the first half hour. For a comedy show that was pretty astonishing. Then again the one or two laughs I experienced were, for the most part, not with the show but at it. I really hope this gets better. The promo for next week's episode show's John Rhys-Davies, so I may tune in, but if Dork, sorry, Krod doesn't give us something remarkable and entertaining next week's episode will likely be my last. So unless someone gets their kit off or does something truly amazing I wont be wasting a DVDR or review space on it.

So, I guess, take this more as a warning than a review. Even though this could have potential it's off to a pretty bad start and Comedy Central will have a uphill battle to make this work. And considering the decline in quality of the Adult Swim programming on Cartoon Network and the general trend for mediocre elementary school humor on what few non "reality" series remain I just don't know that this show is going anywhere worth following on a weekly basis. Considering I'd recommend the Deathstalker and Ator movies, which aren't exactly Shakespeare, that makes Krod pretty bad. I'd love to be proven wrong though.

#end of line

Will Blake's 7 ever get rebooted?

2009-04-09T13:21:00.000-04:00

It's been nearly a year since I posted a snippet about an announced Blake's 7 remake/ redo/ reboot series. What's happened in that time? Apparently not much. Curious I did a bit of Googling and turned up a fascinating article The many proposed returns of Blake's 7 at Den of Geek. What I did not know when I posted that original snippet, but the aforementioned article has made clear, is efforts to bring Blake's 7 back to the small and/or big screen have a history seemingly more convoluted than the myriad attempts to get a Battlestar Galactica continuation made.

The article summarized how it was circa April 2008 that Sky (a UK broadcast station I believe) announced they'd green lit two scripts "for a potential event series" and recounts how a number of production companies were established as early as 2003. Viz: "[the production companies] first took form in July 2003 when they announced that they had acquired the rights to the series from a producer [who] had bought the rights from the estate of Terry Nation back in April 2000 with the intention of filming a TV movie set some 20 years after the original series."

And that "they announced that they were planning a TV miniseries <...> the series would be entitled Blake's 7: A Rebellion Reborn, it <...> would be set 25 years on from the events of the last episode <...> the series would appear by the Spring of 2005. However, in December 2003" it all fell apart.

If you're interested in Blake's 7 that article is a must read. It's really the only bit of news I've seen about the announced Blake's 7 remake/redo/whatever since last year. And while it's really just pointing out nothing official has been said and is asking what's going on it provides a fair amount of background information about the series. Kudos to the author.

For the really curious there's apparently an official site for the reboot/remake effort. While the site doesn't appear to have been updated in awhile it's chock full of info. Check it out here: http://www.blakes7.com/

#end of line

Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 1

2009-04-08T10:34:00.000-04:00

Galactica Saga

Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 1

By C. Demetrius Morgan

SETTING

Galactic Saga is set in the Battlestar Galactica universe and draws it's inspiration from, and attempts to meld it's continuity with, the story as outlined in the 1978 novel Battlestar Galactica, the original series, specifically the pilot Saga of A Star World. While much of what is presented herein is original material built upon an extrapolation and expansion of events hinted at in the aforementioned sources and some characters from the novel/series do make an appearance this is entirely an original work with new characters, situations, and story arc. However nothing that occurs herein breaks the established canon, though it may bend it a bit in places.

* * *

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Aella: A young Socialator well-versed in colonial history; especially it's myths and legends.

Brackett: Engineering officer of the Phoenix, male.

Egg: Colonial Warrior, male; Ensign. Cousin of Niobe.

Calybe: Socialator Attendant.

Cassiopeia: Socialator Attendant.

Creusa: Phoenix steward.

Niobe: Colonial Warrior, female; Lieutenant.

Sestina: First officer of the Phoenix, female.

Talbot Chabrol: Roguish captain of the Phoenix, male.

Tychon: Colonial Warrior, male; Ensign.

###

PROLOGUE - CIMTAR

There was jubilation throughout the fleet now that they had reached Cimtar without incident. But not all fleet commanders were greeting this moment with jubilation. For Adama, elected to the Quorom of Twelve as representative of Caprica, Commander of the Battlestar Galactica, knew all too well that Galactica's sister ship, Pacifica, would never be returning home. Her battered hulk was being salvaged, discreetly, in the naval yards of Orion. Her loss had been a devastating blow following so closely on the heels of the disaster at Molecay. Adama could still remember the after action reports from survivors of the Battle of Molecay yet he could scarcely believe the Battlestar Pegasus and the 5^th fleet were lost. How had it happened? There were probe craft reports of tantalizing signals, sensor ghosts, but not even Cain would be this long overdue.

'Perhaps if the 5^th fleet had not been wiped out,'

Adama stepped on that thought.

Adama's trained warrior's mind sensed something was off about the timing of this Armistice conference. Yet even with the public story of Pacifica's destruction and the ever increasingly difficult to squelch rumors about Cain, the near legendary Commander of the Pegasus, circulating throughout the colonies there was no denying the sense of hope and palpable need to believe. A thousand yahren was a long time for any species to be at war. Adama knew the colonies had become insular, many looking no further than the skies above their heads, but that was a social problem for others to deal with, thank the Lords of Kobol, besides he had more pressing matters to worry about.

"How does the uniform look?"

It was a ridiculous question. Then that was precisely how Adama felt wearing his full formal dress uniform.

"It looks fine, Adama."

Adama turned to look at colonel Tigh, the man who was more than just his second in command, this was a friend, a drinking buddy, someone whom he trusted to have his back when the fecal matter hit the turbine intakes. But then he'd said much the same about President Adar, once upon a time.

"Doesn't feel fine," Adama replied as he unconsciously touched the seal of the Lords of Kobol that hung around his neck.

"That's because you can't relax. I've told you time and time again. ."

Adama held up a hand, "Point taken, old friend."

A tone beeped from the desk nearby.

"Looks like you better get going. Don't want to keep the president waiting."

"No," Adama replied with a curious expression on his face, "that would never do. Would you com Athene for me and let her know I'm on my way?"

"Of course."

And with that Adama was out the door and on his way to meet with the other members of the Quorum for a pre-armistice dinner. Life, he reflected, was much simpler when he was just plain old Captain Adama. No worries about politics. No need to have special dress uniforms for such occasions as this preposterous dinner he must attend.

'But,' he reflected wryly,'soon this will be over and I can get back to Ila.'

# # # # #

From the Aella Chronicle:

(Being a Socialator's Commentary on the Rise and Fall of the 12 Worlds.)

The Twelve Worlds' (of Man), or the Colonies as their inhabitants less formally referred to them- even though they had been settled by humankind for millennia- were approaching their seventh millennium of existence. Yet it was not entirely a joyous occasion for the colonies had been at war with an alien menace, the Cylons, for over a thousand yahren. Yet a bright day beckoned. Through a merchant-trader named Baltar word came that the Cylons were seeking an Armistice. It was hoped that this would lead in time to a fuller peace between our two species.

So a convoy of vessels was assembled to meet with mankind's ancient enemy. Because this was a mission of peace and so many people throughout the 12 worlds had high hopes the armistice would ring in a new era the Star Kobol, a vessel that served with distinction and honor, one of the first Battlestar's ever constructed, was re-commissioned from mothballs and designated the official council ship of the Quorum where the armistice treaty would be signed. The Star Kobol had been there at the beginning of the war and she was to be there at the end of this terrible cycle of violence. We colonials were taken with such gestures, alas it was a gesture lost upon the impenetrable alien mind of Cylons.

Yet we would not have been who we are had we not tried. Alas it was a fool's hope, though we did not know it at the time. Had we known the Star Kobol might not have been shepherded by our five most modern Battlestars and their escorts. They say pride precedes the greatest falls, and perhaps it was our smugness and conceit in our own lofty power that doomed us. For the fleet assembled was designed to convey strength. Battlestars are imposing vessels with an array of deadly armament that only the most brazen of outlaw traffic would dare approach. Alas we forgot we were not dealing with simple smugglers or pirates, these were Cylons.

* * *

ACT I - GEMONI

Sunfall across Gemoni is a beautiful sight. The wave of light washes across the dark arc of the planet like a brilliant multi-colored curtain parting the darkness. So very similar, yet unlike, sunfall across Caprica. There's no cluster of high orbitals, no clutter of ships in parking orbits, it's a serene likeness of tranquility. Of course that serenity might have been shattered if the Gemonese realized that the transport Phoenix, now slowing to dock with the lone Colonial orbital port marring that otherwise picturesque view, was carrying a delegation of Socialators.

Talbot Chabrol took all this in with his usual quirky sense of the absurd. Then when he retired from the colonial marines, not by his choice but due to wounds received, he never in a million yahrens would have pictured himself as the captain of a cargo hauler, much less a luxury liner. Even a small luxury liner such as the Phoenix. Yet he'd been both. And he'd been in this job long enough to know that the young woman lost in thought by the portside view port was trouble. Not because of who she was, the Lords knew he would never hold that against anyone with such a cute ass. No Chabrol was worried she was too young to be fully aware of the intricate social dynamics about to be unleashed when he opened the airlock and the passengers from Gemon boarded. Besides he'd hate to see anything happen to that cute behind of hers.

Had Aella, the young woman at the view port, been aware of Talbot Chabrol's thoughts she may have laughed out loud. Despite being a "profession" sanctified by the elders for well over 4000 yahren Socialators, and their craft, were not universally respected, or even tolerated, throughout the colonies. In fact their very existence had become something of a political and religious point of contention amongst certain Gemenese; especially those of the Otori Sect. And if anyone knew the sorts of problems that might produce it was Aella. True, such fervor was usually fleeting, but with the rites associated with the Worship of the Sunstorm coinciding with the recent resurgence of fundamentalism backlash against Socialators amongst the more xenophobic was sure to be on the rise.

Aella shuddered. Conceptually it shouldn't bother her, she was an orphan after all and knew nothing of her birth world, yet she couldn't help but wonder; what if. What if she were Gemonese? She'd studied them and was both fascinated and appalled by their culture.

'Nevermind that the the ancient functions of certain High Priestess' was not dissimilar from that provided by modern Socialators,' she thought.

Then times change and, if she were to be honest, there was a time that Socialators were little better than the kept courtesans of the ancient legends. Not that anyone would confuse the two now, at least no one who could truly see. But then the first thing every socialator learned was that people often saw what they wanted to see, or expected to see, not always what was really there. The truly astute socialators learned how to discern the difference and play to those expectations, or exploit them, as the situation required.

"Cubit for your thoughts, Aella."

"What, oh, hello Calybe. Nothing."

Calybe exhaled in that way she had when something (or someone) annoyed her.

"Don't give me that. I know that look all too well. You're over thinking something again, aren't you?"

"No, well not really. I mean, even the Gemonese have to admit there's few more learned women in all the colonies, right? Yet that's also a fact used as fuel by the Otori sect to "prove" how unnatural the entire "business" is whenever they. ."

Laughing, "Is that all? You know better than most that's one argument that's never played very well with all Gemonese women, thank the Lords of Kobol."

"True, but it's bad enough that any think that. Doesn't it bother you Calybe?"

"What's to worry? There's room enough in the colonies for people to live their lives however they want, wherever they want, and to expect to be left to do so in privacy."

"But if they only knew how many yahrens we spend learning the histories of all the colonies, not just our birth worlds maybe. ."

'Some of us more than most,' Calybe thought.

"Aella," Calybe made a throwing away motion with her hand, "You worry too much. Try to remember we're on our way to Caprica to attend the most prestigious armistice celebration to be held in all the colonies. This is a joyful time."

"Yes, of course, you're right. I'll try."

Chuckling, "Good girl. Now then. ."

"CALYBE!"

A familiar feminine voice shouted from the direction of the airlock.

"CASSIOPEIA!"

Aella smiled, for if anyone should have been worried about the Gemons it was Cassiopeia, who knew first hand how trying the hectare ahead could be. Yet there she was, in full makeup and wearing the sort of dress that would be conservative in every other colony but most certainly was not on Gemoni. Which perhaps explained the looks on the passengers faces embarking Phoenix just behind her. Even the colonial warriors seemed a bit flustered, then one of them was female, which may explain the exaggerated affronted look the Gemons wore.

* * *

Creusa stood patiently by the hatchway. As steward he was responsible for greeting passengers and directing them to their quarters. Most people, if they thought about stewards at all, assumed they were merely ship's cooks. And while there were some sectares he'd rather have been working as a cook he knew that he was the face of the Phoenix, and that he must extend the hand of hospitality to her guests. No matter how tardy they were.

"Ah lady, sirs," Creusa held his hands out in way of gesturing a need for introductions.

"Ensign Tychon," a young warrior replied without any hint of being remotely aware they'd been holding up the Phoenix's departure.

"Ensign Egg," the shorter of the two men proclaimed proudly, "And this lovely lady is Niobe. That's Lieutenant Niobe," Egg intoned with a casual quirk of his brow as he leaned toward Creusa in a manner that wasn't quite menacing but insinuated that if anyone thought to address her with anything less than formal regard they'd answer to him.

Bowing formally, "Creusa, chief steward of the Phoenix. Sirs, Lieutenant, I must respectfully inform you that sidearms must normally be checked with me for the duration of the voyage. However, given the current situation, and the fact we're scheduled for a least time course for Caprica, the Captain has waived this restriction. So long as you agree to keep your sidearms with you at all times and holstered."

"That shouldn't be a problem," Niobe replied flashing a stern glance in the direction of the ensigns.

"Apologies for our late arrival bu-"

"Ma'am, please, no apologies are necessary." Creusa said with an affronted tone that wasn't as forced as it might have been.

"In that case," the Lieutenant said shooting a quelling glance toward the young warriors, "here's our boarding passes. I believe all is in order."

"Indeed. Shall we proceed to getting you all comfortably situated in your accommodations?"

Niobe turned to pick up her duffle only to see Egg hefting it already.

"All ready, ma'am."

Niobe turned a glaring eye on Egg, "I can hold my own, cousin."

"Never said you couldn't." Egg smiled ingratiatingly as Tychon looked everywhere but at his friend or Niobe.

"But there's holding your own and hefting your own, and you are senior officer and," Egg paused winking at Creusa, "how would it look if you carried your own duffle while in the company of two strapping junior officers such as ourselves."

There were times Niobe wished she wasn't Gemenese. But she knew better than to argue with her tenacious cousin.

"You'll make a fine warrior, someday."

"You really think so?"

Rolling her eyes, "Get to quarters!"

"Ma'am!" the ensigns said simultaneously sketching a salute and immediately withdrew laughing about the Lords knew what.

Turning to Creusa, "Make sure they get to where they are supposed to be, will you?"

"Of course ma'am," Creusa said with a tolerant smile that indicated he'd had to look after such recalcitrant youths many times in his career.

# # # # #

(To be continued in: Galactica Saga: Phoenix Rising - Part 1, Act 2)

Welcome to the Land of NOD (Not on DVD)

2009-04-06T01:14:00.005-04:00

Below you will find a list of Movies Not on R1 DVD as of April 2009.

List last updated April 24, 2009.

Brick and mortar retailers where you can buy a decent selection of genre DVDs are getting scarce. Places you can buy something besides the same mass produced flavor of the week releases dumped on the market are virtually non existent. Niche labels have folded because they can't get their product onto retailer shelves. The economy is bad. We all know it. But I still firmly believe that you can't make money if you don't stock product. And that means more than just rotating shipments of mass produced mediocrity through a few store fronts. Retailers need to go back to the old school way of doing business, meaning viewing merchandize as an investment and people who walk in the door as CUSTOMERS not merely consumers.

Thus, in the wake of Circuit City going belly up, news Borders will no longer bother to carry DVD or CD product, on top of the recent ludicrous announcement about NBC Universal "re-envisioning" their subsidiary cable network currently known as the Sci-Fi channel with a newly minted semi-literate emo tween friendly "re-branding" moniker of "Syfy" I'm going on a rant. Didn't intend to. Today was going to see the first installment of GALACTICA SAGA posted. Alas it seems to me the studio executives have decided that, come hell on earth or an ELE, they're going to ignore what we the public- the folks they like to look down on from their cement towers and call "consumers"- want yet again.

Personally I am tired of having to constantly "upgrade" my stuff. Not that I don't appreciate the quality difference in a CD over a cassette or a DVD over a VHS tape, but it seems like every innovation we get cuts our choices by half. So, in an effort to better guide the studios in utilizing their corporate resources, I'd like to humbly offer this list of movies NOT YET on Region 1 DVD. And not just because spending money on market firms who tell someone it's a good idea to rename a network to something that sounds likes slang for syphilis seems like a bad investment to me. But because I'd actually like to see some of these movies before I die. And, honestly, if these corporations have money to waste on rebranding a network as it's cheaper than firing the incompetent executives who don't have two brain cells to rub together to figure out what SCIENCE FICTION is the least they can do is give us something we want, right?!

Besides 80-90% of the movies in the list below are probably not in any networks current broadcast rotation. Not suggesting anything, just saying these are "properties" just waiting to be utilized. Hint, hint.

That said the titles in this article, to the best of this author's knowledge, have received no official DVD release. While I have tried to weed through these titles and keep only those that don't have a proper R1 DVD release some may have slipped through, if so e-mail me and I shall update and amend this list accordingly.

ADDENDUM: For those reading the list who keep pointing out that such-and-such a title was released in the UK or Germany or elsewhere please note this list is STRICTLY ABOUT REGION ONE (R1) DVD releases. The UK and Germany are R2. Also, I am NOT interested in hearing sale pitches about your favorite ALL REGION DVD player. This list is strictly noting the VOID, as in LACK OF, LEGIT (meaning OFFICIAL, non public domain, remastered from film elements) DVD releases of titles in R1. Where in doubt about the status of a DVD release, such as for titles like THE BITCH (which exists in a FS barebone release on a relatively unknown label) I am erring on the side of caution and listing the title here. If anyone can confirm the status, legit or otherwise, of these releases e-mail me and I shall update the list accordingly. Thank you.

* * !! Warning Some Links May Be NSFW !! * *

2020 Texas Gladiators
976-Evil 2 (?)
Abby (?)
Alien Cargo
Alienator (?)
Along Against Rome
Amazons of Rome
America 3000
The Aftermath (Sid Haig)
The Amorous Adventures of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza
And God Said to Cain
Archer and the Sorceress
Arena (Claudia Christian)
The Arousers
Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatre (?)
Ator, the Fighting Eagle
Ator the Invincible
Baffled!
Bad Girls From Mars (?)
Battletruck
The Barbarians (1987)
Beach Babes from Beyond (?)
Beastmaster 2
~~Bedazzled~~ (Available)
Behind Convent Walls
The Bermuda Depths
Bestialità
Beverly Hills Vamp
Beyond the Time Barrier
The Bitch
Blood and Roses (Roger Vadim)
Blood Hook (?)
Blood of Dracula's Castle [John Carradine] (?)
Blood on Satan's Claw (?)
The Boob Tube (?)
Caligula and Messalina
Caligula: The Untold Story
Cast a Deadly Spell
Chained Heat
Chained Heat 3000
Chatterbox (1977)
Clash of the Warlords
Cleopatra's Daughter (?)
Colossus of New York
The Coming of Sin
Convoy (1978)
Creature (Restored non-PD print)
Damnation Alley
The Damned (1962)
Day of the Triffids (?)
The Day Mars Invaded Earth (?)
Death Ship (1980)
Deathstalker III
Deep Space [Bo Svenson] (?)
Demonoid (?)
Desert Warrior
Devil Hunters (HK)
The Devils (1971)
Dinosaur Island [Jim Wynorski] (?)
Doom Runners (?)
Duel of the Titans
El Inquisidor
Empire of Ash
Escape from Galaxy 3
Escape from Safehaven
Evil Of Dracula
Fantastic Four (Roger Corman)
Fire and Sword (?)
Forbidden World
Fraternity Row
Future World (?)
Galaxy of Terror
~~Galactic Gigolo~~ (Available)
Gatorbait (?)
Gatorbait 2 (?)
Genesis II (1973)
Green Slime (1968)
Hamburger the Motion Picture
Hands of the Ripper
Hands of Steel
Hardware [aka Mark 13] (?)
Hearts and Armour
~~Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers~~ (Available in a 20th Anniversary Edition)
The Humanoid
I Was A Teenage Frankenstein
I Was A Teenage Werewolf
The Incredible Shrinking Man (?)
Idaho Transfer
Ilsa, Tigress of Siberia (?)
Incredible Shrinking Woman [Lily Tomlin] (?)
Interzone
Inquisition
Invasion of the Girl Snatchers
Invasion Of the Saucermen
The Invisible Maniac
Ironmaster
Iron Warrior
Island City (1994)
It Came from Hollywood (?)
Jupiter's Darling (?)
Killer Workout (?)
Kilma: Queen of the Amazons
Lady Frankenstein (Restored non-PD print)
Land of Doom
Lake Of Dracula
Lana: Queen of the Amazons
Laser blast (?)
Last Bride of Salem
The Last Dinosaur (1977)
Legacy Of Dracula
Liane, Jungle Goddess
Lisistrata (2002)
Long Swift Sword of Siegfried (aka The Lustful Barbarian)
The Lost Empire
Love Slaves of the Amazons
Loves of Salammbo
Mark of the Devil II
Maneater of Hydra (?)
Messalina (1960)
Messalina, Messalina
Message from Space (?)
Metalstorm, Destruction of Jared Syn
Mission Stardust (?)
Montenegro (?; 1981)
Moonbase (?)
Moontrap
Mutant Action
Mutant on the Bounty
Necropolis (?)
Neon City
Nemesis [1, 2, 3, 4] (?)
New Eden
Night of the Creeps
No Blade of Grass
Not of this Earth (1957) (?)
The Pharaoh's Woman (?, peplum)
~~Phase IV~~ (Available)
Phoenix the Warrior
Planet Earth
Planet Patrol (?)
Princess of the Nile
Programmed to Kill
Project X (1968)
Pussy Talk
The Quatermass Experiment (1953)
Quatermass 2 (1955)
Quatermass And The Pit (1958)
Queen of Blood (?)
Quest for the Mighty Sword
Raiders of Atlantis (?)
Rape of the Sabines (Roger Moore)
Ravagers (Richard Harris)
Red Heat (Linda Blair)
Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1992)
Revenge of the Gladiators
Revolt of the Slaves
Ribald Tales of Robin Hood
Robot Holocaust
Robot Ninja (?)
Robotrix (?)
Robowar
Roller Blade (1986)
Roller Blade Seven (1991)
Romulus & Remus (Steve Reeves)
Search for the Gods (1975)
The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (Lou Ferrigno)
Seven Slaves Against the World
SHE
Shame of the Sabine Women
She Devils of the SS (?)
Shocking Dark
~~Simon, King Of The Witches~~ (Available)
Sign of the Gladiator
Sins of Rome
The Sisterhood
Skidoo
Snow Devils (aka: La morte viene dal pianeta Aytin)
Song of the South (1946)
Sorceress (1982)
Space Master X-7 (?)
Spartacus and the 10 Gladiators
Spermula
Starcrash (?)
Star Portal (?; 1998)
Star Odyssey (Restored non-PD print)
Star Quest (?; 1995)
Starship Invasions (?)
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
Stormquest
Strange New World
Stryker
Student Bodies (?)
The Stud
Survival Zone
The Thief of Baghdad (1978)
Thor the Conqueror
Throne of Fire
The Time Guardian (Carrie Fisher)
Time of the Apes (?)
The Tomb (1985)
Twins of Evil
Ulysses
~~Una sull'altra~~ (Available as Perversion Story)
Vampire Circus
The Velvet Vampire
Violation of the Bitch (?)
Voyage To The End Of The Universe [aka Ikarie XB 1] (?)
W is War
War of the Satellites [Roger Corman] (?)
War of the Zombies
Warlord: Battle for the Galaxy
Warlords (David Carradine; 1989)
Warlords of Atlantis (?)
The Warrior and the Slave Girl
Web of the Spider
Welcome to 18 (?)
West World (?)
Wheels of Fire
When Women Had Tails
When Women Lost Their Tails
The Wicked Lady
Wild Wild Planet (aka: I criminali della galassia)
(It Came) Without Warning (1980)
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II
Yor, Hunter from the Future (?)
Zone Troopers (?)

* * *

ADDENDUM

No Holds Barred
Immortal Combat
The Strangeness
Screams Of A Winter Night
The Keep
Freebie & the Bean
Let It Be (Beatles doc.)
Macbeth (1947, Orson Welles)
Master of the World (1961)
Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm
Hellhole Women (?)
Heart Beeps
The Incredible Shrinking Woman (?)
Invasion of the Love Drones (?)
The First Turn On! (?)
The Adventures of Hajji Babba (?)
Pasolini's Arabian Nignts (???)
Phantasm II
Cannibal Girls
Radioactive Dreams
The Keep
Rawhead Rex
Vibes (Cyndi Lauper)
Dr. Jekyll et Les Femmes
Blood of Dr. Jekyll (?)
Glissements progressifs du plaisir (?)
La belle captive (?)
Opium (1919)
Flavia, Slave of Rome (?)
Per Amore di Poppea (?)
Ulysses (Kirk Douglas) ???
The Swords of Wayland (?, S&S)

BTW, a note to the confused suits who have been running the Sci-Fi channel into the ground: While you've been scratching the hairy moles on your arse like inbred idiots that can't figure out how to open a twist top root beer bottle the following science fiction television series are NOT, I repeat, NOT being broadcast much of anywhere (and many also aren't on R1 DVD, or are not being stocked by retailers) and their syndication rights are probably available:

Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.
Automan
Blake's 7
Deepwater Black
The Highway Man
The Invisible Man (1975)
Legend (1995)
Logan's Run
M.A.N.T.I.S
Max Headroom
The Man from Atlantis
Manimal
Mann and Machine
Mercy Point
Otherworld
Phoenix Five
Quark
Raumpatrouille
Robocop
Star Hunter
Star Hunter 2300
Star Maidens
Star Cops
Starman
Time Trax
Tripods

That's just the tip of the iceberg. So c'mon! There's PLENTY to program besides wrestling and faux paranormal ghost chaser programs. Seriously WTF does either of those have to do with science fiction?

Also, whoever currently owns Roger Corman's catalog of titles seems to be sitting on them. It seems like most, if not all, the old Corman produced titles are OOP. What's more the "Roger Corman Presents" made-for-cable series of movies from the mid 90s, the few that were released to DVD, were never widely available. Hint.

#End of Line

Borders to Discontinue Multi Media

2009-04-04T19:11:00.000-04:00

For the most part I ignore Borders. They haven't stocked anything I want to buy for a couple years. So I just stopped bothering to go there. However I was somewhat surprised to see that this week's coupon mailing also mentioned the fact certain Borders stores were having a 40% clearance sale on ALL CD & DVD stock.

At least that's what I thought it said. The reality, once you get into the store, is it's only a 'clearance' on select items that have a red sticker on them. I almost walked out. But I was there and decided to have a look around as it'd been a while. What instantly shocked me was the state of the DVD section. Last year they folded science fiction, action, westerns, and other random movies into one large section. It looked decimated. What's more I didn't see a single title in the cult or horror sections that had been released in the last year, at least by anyone other than a mainstream Hollywood studio.

Curious I approached the clerk at the help desk and asked if Borders was going out of business or merely getting rid of their DVD section. The clerk told me, after looking around to be sure no one could hear, that he'd heard Borders was getting rid of ALL mass media product. Sad news. Alas most of the DVDs they have in stock are at full retail price, despite the fact the studios have been dumping these very same titles as remaindered stock for over a year. But if you've missed out on the Big Lots $3 DVD blowout sales this may be a opportunity to find some older titles as I imagine Borders will be clearing out their warehouses.

It's a shame though. Borders used to be the go to store for Alpha Video titles (once upon a time they carried every single title) and niche cult and horror movies. Alas they have not stocked anything but the same tired old mass produced Hollywood mediocrity their competitors do for some time now, and always at a higher sticker price. Granted Circuit City bit the dust but Best Buy is still around and you just can't make money selling a box set of title X for $39.95 when Borders has the same box set, just a block or three up the street, of title X for $19.99.

Anyway if you haven't been to Borders in a while check your e-mail. This weekend's coupon is for 30% off anything in store. Odds are you wont find much in the DVD section but you never know. This could be your lucky weekend. Just remember to print out that coupon because if it's not one of the "red sticker" items on "clearance" you're going to need it. Too, they seem to have a lot of Blu-Ray titles. Oddly I didn't notice many red stickers on them though.

Good hunting bargain shoppers!

#end of line

Speculations: Battlestar Galactica

2009-04-02T03:14:00.000-04:00

This speculative article was precipitated by the simple question: What direction should a Battlestar Galactica movie take?

Some want a continuation utilizing the members of the original cast, at least those still around willing to star in a BSG project nigh these many yahren later. Some want a straight up reboot that returns to the source material, ignoring the "re-imagined" Sci-Fi series. And those familiar only with the Sci-Fi retread are probably scratching their heads wondering what all the fuss is about, assuming they even noticed Glen A. Larson's announcement about wanting to do a move based on the "classic" series.

Is a continuation story feasible? There's some great speculative BSG continuation fan fiction out there. Assuming Larson can get the cast on board with a project, put together a decent story that doesn't involve Borg-Cylons or Atlantis (sadly Stargate's been there and piddled all over that idea), I'm all for it. But would a studio go for it?

I suppose that depends upon what options are available. In these economic times a studio may not be eager to bankroll a one-shot sequel to a series that ended 30+ years ago. Just look at what it took to get SERENITY made. Perhaps a reboot ala STAR TREK with fresh faces in familiar roles would be more palatable to the suits. But how to avoid Hollyweird's penchant for dumbing down narrative?

I say go back to the source material. Either adapt the novelization or update the original screenplays. But make it smart. Find someone that knows the jargon of the genre and is well read in "space opera" science fiction. Revisiting the series makes one realize it was written by someone familiar with naval combat, which lends the air of authenticity, until you realize that 2D naval strategies DO NOT apply in a 3D volume of space. Anyone that's played WING COMMANDER or X-WING knows that. Also don't waste money on screening groups, demographic research, or any of that other nonsense. Just git 'er done!

It really doesn't matter if the movie is a reboot using an entirely new cast, continuation utilizing a mix of new and familiar faces, or 3D CGI Anime ala Final Fantasy or Beowulf so long as it's a decent movie (or series of movies) with a smart narrative that captures the sense of wonder that originally attracted our younger selves to Battlestar Galactica.

That said many yahrens ago, in a galaxy not that far away, before there was ever a Sci-Fi Channel series, I posted an germ of an idea for what I'd like to see done with a remake/ reboot/ redo/ whatever of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. It went something like this. .

There will be three parts/acts, each a minimum of an hour devoted to story/character development. These segment/acts should cover the following:

ACT I: Background. Here we would see the colonies. Meet characters, be filled in on the 12 worlds, their history, the other alien races both named (Delphians, Tucanas, Borays, Hasari, &tc) and unnamed (felinoids, empathic dwarf simians, &tc) and the place of the Colonies in their corner of a very populated universe.

ACT II: The Armistice/Cylon invasion. Act I would lead organically into Act II, where we'd see FLEET BATTLES. The Colonies don't just have 5 Battlestars. They have cruisers, fighters, et al. The Cylons would probably take a beating. There's 12 planets in the Colonials system all the people aren't just going to run around like scared chickens waiting to get their heads cut off. Be creative. Take a page from, say, American history and have CADETS fly up to meet the invaders, or, if you prefer French history, have a bare breasted woman running through downtown Caprica leading a battalion of civilian fighters into Cylon ground troops.

ACT III: Exodus/Carillon. Bigger, better, bolder. Lots more aliens in the resort. AND (very important) Make Carillon the den of hedonistic depravity it should be. There will be no punches pulled, no watering the portrayal of debauchery down for a idiot tween audience, no dumbing down of dialogue, this will be stark craven reality. The audience is SUPPOSED to feel uncomfortable seeing this. That's the point.

ACT IV. Technically this would be the epilogue. Keep it short and sweet and allow it to set the stage for future movies but allow there also to be a sense of closure.

That's it. That's what I'd like to see. Simple. Straightforward. Doable.

As for the cast? Going with the "fresh faces" anchored by a vetern actor approach you could have a cast that looks something like this (from left to right):

Jolly = Jonah Hill
Boomer = Don Cheadle
Sheba = Diane Gaeta
Adama = Bruce Boxleitner (or Jürgen Prochnow)
Athena = Mandy Moore
Apollo = Jeremiah Turner
Cassiopeia = Ali Larter
Starbuck = Zachary Levi

Or, as this is just a fun bit of speculation, how about taking the cast of Torchwood and using them for a BSG project? Such a movie would have UK flair and might look something like this:

John Barrowman - Apollo (or Starbuck)
Burn Gorman - Zak
Eve Myles - Athena
Naoko Mori - Rigel
Gareth David-Lloyd - 'Greenbean'

And to round out the rest of the cast how about these Dr. Who regulars:

Tom Baker (or Peter Davison) - Adama*
Elisabeth Sladen (or Lalla Ward) - Ila
Freema Agyeman - Sheba
Billie Piper - Cassiopeia
Sylvester McCoy (or Rowan Atkinson) - Baltar
Colin Baker - Sire Uri

With David Tennant as Apollo (or Starbuck), guest starring Samuel L. Jackson as Col Tigh, and with Jeff Bridges appearing as Commander Cain.

Hollyweirdland, TRON 2.0, and Clash of the Titans

2009-03-31T11:05:00.000-04:00

Hollyweirdland seems to be the "tread on me" capital of the world. Just when an audience has almost forgotten a TV series or movie existed they dredge it up, smack it around like a ghetto pimp beating on a runaway, then turn it out wearing flimsy tarted up threads to make money for them. Alas Hollyweird's track record with banking on nostalgia with remakes and "re-envisioned" movies seems to be a 10:1 ratio of high-quality mediocre crap to decent well craft entertainment.

Alas you can never tell which end of the ratio a movie will fall in as there's good movies that get ruined by the biblical flood of hype Hollyweird inundates the public with. This can be a problem as some remakes should probably not publicize their cast while those lesser known 'properties' that could use the publicity never get it.

For instance mention the LAND OF THE LOST movie on certain forums and fanbois will descend on your post like the wrath of G-d out of the old testament. And all because Will Ferrell was cast as the father. For those who don't know Land of the Lost was an 70s series that most of us probably never thought would get the movie treatment. And not just because it originally aired on Saturday morning television between 1974 to 1976, LotL was fairly campy. Considering Hollyweird appears to have dropped the ball on announced movie projects for CONAN, RED SONJA, and even Edgar Rice Burrough's John Carter of Mars it's baffling to see what sort of movies do get green lit.

Tron came out in 1982, is probably all but forgotten by a very small niche group of fans, yet it's getting the remake treatment. (Not complaining!) But what sort of movie will Disney's TRON 2.0 be? Just look at some recent article headlines. .

Supermodel Serinda Swan Added To "Tron 2.0" Cast

You add a supermodel for one of two reasons. 1) to add sex appeal, or 2) to generate controversy about sex appeal to stir up the media to generate free PR ala articles like. .

Just How Sexy Will Tron 2 Get?, which speculates "This may not be your daddy's Tron, if an interview with one actress who appears in the Disney sequel is to be believed." But they also note "This could get ooky pretty quick." Other headlines grab you right away without any subtlety Serinda Swan Is One Of Four Temptresses In Tron 2.0.

Yet these articles are little more than short fluff pieces written around the following quote (apparently taken from a TV Guide article): "Yeah. Beau Garrett (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer), these two other actresses and I play temptresses from inside the computer world. We're sort of the main guy's go-to girls. There are lights actually sewn into our wardrobe, so it's like nothing you've seen before!"

But it's not all bad. TRON 2.0 has largely been embraced by the fans. Sadly for every TRON 2.0 there's those 10 other movie remake tragedies. Movies like THE FOG, PROM NIGHT, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, PLANET OF THE APES, CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, THE PINK PANTHER, HOUSE OF WAX, GODZILLA, THE WICKER MAN, or the oft criticized PSYCHO. None of which were heralded with much glee by fans of the originals. And notice that list doesn't even touch on the numerous TV series movie retreads or announced remakes that may, or may not, be in production. Remakes for such diverse movies as: Karate Kid, Footloose, True Grit, Ben-Hur, or Clash of the Titans. The latter apparently having Gemma Arterton just announced as joining the cast which, humorously, according to the article in that link, currently consists of her and Sam Worthington (Perseus).

Considering I remember posting about the Clash of the Titans remake- and the not-quite-backlash but concern it was going to turn into a CGI crapfest- at least a year or two ago one wonders what sort of fanboi backlash this will generate if it ever actually gets into the production stage. Hopefully nothing as bad as that surrounding Glen A. Larson's announcement of a desire to do a Battlestar Galactica movie. Truly, Hollweirdland seems to be the "tread on me" capital of the world.

#End of Line

Cyberjack

2009-03-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

The Movie: Cyberjack (aka Virtual Assasin)

Year: 1995

Director: Robert Lee

Cast: Michael Dudikoff, Suki Kaiser, Brion James, Jon Cuthbert, James Thom, Topaz Hasfal-Schou, Garvin Cross, Dean McKenzie, Duncan Fraser, et al.

MPAA Rating: R

Format Viewed: DVD (R1)

Premise: Evil corporation invents a super computer virus. Terrorists seek to gain the virus to use it for their own ends with only a janitor to stand in their way. Can he save the day?

The Reality: BLADRUNNER meets DIE HARD in a wannabe JOHNNY MNEMONIC future world where villain Brion James seeks the ultimate computer virus with no one in his way but ex-cop turned janitor Michael Dudikoff.

The Story: Cop gets involved in a shooting. Has problems. Ends up working as a janitor at a tech company. Hooligans invade seeking to steal tech. Cop turned janitor must overcome his demons and face down the hooligans to save the high tech McGuffin in this run-of-the-mill action potboiler.

Assessment/ Verdict: This week's end review analysis is a bit unusual. Rather than the usual attempts at witty riposte we'll be examining the difference between two different DVD releases of this same movie.

DVD #1: This DVD was purchased at Big Lots for the princely sum of $3. The title in the opening credits is "Cyberjack" and the label is Echo Bridge Home Entertainment*. Overall a decent budget label release. Contrast levels seem a tad dark but, beside suffering the sort of minor 80s era DTV problems, the video appears pretty good. Audio is crisp and clear and the "extras" include chapter stops and a trailer for the movie. Now compare to. .

DVD #2: Found this DVD at a Flea Market for $2. It was released by Lion's Gate Home Entertainment as "Virtual Assassin" and appears to be otherwise identical to the Echo Bridge release. However this is a barebones DVD without so much as single promo trailer or chapter stop. Worse, on some players, if you try to skip forward because you erroneously assumed there were chapter stops this DVD forces you to sit through it's lame anti-piracy intro all over again. Lame.

My verdict is Cyberjack is a clichéd derivative barely worth the $5 (unless you're a hardcore Brion James fan). But if you can find it in the bargain bin for less or, better yet, are able to talk a friend into renting it then it's worth watching once; if only for the VFX cut scenes.

(*) According to the jacket cover. The DVD says Platinum Disc Corp.

Speculations: Buck Rogers

2009-03-21T19:03:00.000-04:00

Feeling nostalgic about science fiction, especially after recently posting about Dirk Benedict and Battlestar Galactica, I got to pondering things Buck Rogers. What sort of movie might director Frank Miller give us? Remembering that I posted a speculative outline for a re-envisioned Buck Rogers some time ago I decided to dust off that bit of fluff. Hope you find my speculative pseudo fan-boy article entertaining. - CM

Re-envisioning a pulp sci-fi series that's enjoyed multiple incarnations over the years in various media formats from the pulps to comic books, the small screen to the big screen seems simple. Alas so many remakes fall short of expectations it's obviously not as simple as us armchair critics may think. The first step, perhaps, is to just start fresh. Given recent technological advances and scientific breakthroughs a totally new and updated version of any science fiction yarn from yesteryear could only be made better with a update, if only because it'll the projected vision of the far distant future will extrapolate from contemporaty modern theory.

But where to begin?

Building on the basic story and series premise let's move on to casting. Thus without further adieu . .

BUCK ROGERS, REVISED INTRO #1

In the year 2087 the ISA (International Space Administration) launches it's first official "World Peace" mission to Mars. The joint venture sees Captain "Buck" Rogers piloting the "Endeavor 1" Mars probe. However something goes terribly wrong. The ship and crew are lost in a freak mishap.

Fast forward to the year 2458 and the re-discovery of the battered, yet intact, Endeavor 1 probe. The ship, now encased in ice, is initially mistaken for a comet. A comet that happens to be on a collision course for Earth. . .

-or-

BUCK ROGERS, REVISED INTRO #2

In the year 2092 the ISA (International Space Administration) on the anniversary of the first "World Peace" mission to Mars sends a "deep space probe" out to explore the Oort cloud. The joint venture sees Captain "Buck" Rogers piloting the "Endeavor 1" which, for the first, has it's human crew in "cryogenic suspension"; thus allowing them to make the trip while conserving resources. However something goes terribly wrong. The Endeavor and her crew are lost in a freak mishap.

Those are just two possible intro hooks. Obviously I'm patterning these loosely off the 80s TV series. Whatever the intro hook is the story would proceed with:

BUCK ROGERS, MEETING ARDALA

Endeavor 1's course is coincidentally following the same trajectory as Princess Ardala's vessel. Ardala, who is an official envoy on a mission to Earth, is shocked and dismayed when it is revealed the comet is not what it appears to be. She orders the vessel brought aboard and it's crew thawed out. Unfortunately this leads to a series of misunderstandings that end with a confrontation which leaves most of Endeavors crew wounded or dead, and perhaps one member of Ardala's royal entourage.

Buck (at least) escapes, but only after an intense one on one cat fight scene with Ardala that leaves more than the character's egos bruised. Of course such a slight against a Royal Princess can't be left unpunished! But what will Ardala do? How will Buck be received back on Earth? What does this mean for galactic peace?

The above merely represents one possible intro hook. There's dozens of other ways a new movie or series could start. However, for nostalgia's sake, I kept to the basic themes of the 80s series. Now what actors to have playing which parts?

PERSONAE DRAMATIS

Cast (Neo-Classic Movie/Series):
Anthony William "Buck" Rogers. . . Jeffrey Donovan (or Adam Baldwin)
Colonel Wilma Deering. . . Yvonne Strahovski
Dr. Huer. . . Sendhil Ramamurthy (or Richard Gant)
Princess Ardala. . . Hayden Panettiere (or Tricia Helfer)
Ardala's Father. . . Dean Stockwell (cameo)
Killer Kane. . . Adam Baldwin
Tiger Man. . .Ray Stevenson
Panther Woman #1. . . Erin Brown (Misty Mundae)
Panther Woman #2. . . Rena Riffel

The above is an interesting line-up. Here are some of the best character actors from recent and current television series and B-movies. The only real problem is deciding whether to cast Adam Baldwin as hero or villain, he does both well. OTOH here is the cast I chose for a poster mock-up (see below). .

Cast (80s Series re-cast):
Anthony William "Buck" Rogers. . . Christian Bale
Colonel Wilma Deering. . . Yvonne Strahovski
Princess Ardala. . . Cote de Pablo
Zarina. . . Nicole Kidman

Just looking at that Christian Bale and Yvonne Strahovski are perfect fits for the characters, if you were looking to re-make the 80s series. But would Christian Bale be willing to do a TV series? Alas probably not. So how about this cast. .

Cast (Neo-Classic w/ UK Flair):
Anthony William "Buck" Rogers. . . John Barrowman
Colonel Wilma Deering. . . Eve Myles
Dr. Huer. . . David McCallum
Princess Ardala. . . Billie Piper
Ardala's Father. . . Jeremy Irons (cameo)
Killer Kane. . . Gordon Ramsey
["Buddy" Wade. . Chris Kattan]

Many of these actors have appeared in Torchwood; a series with one of the better ensemble casts that a BBC production has produced in a while. (The series spun-off from the Dr. Who series.) However when I came to the role of Killer Kane the one person that immediately came to mind was chef Gordon Ramsey (Hell's Kitchen), and while he's not an actor he'd make a wonderfully intimidating Killer Kane.

Cast (Re-Envisioned Neo-Classic Blockbuster Version):
Wilma "Buck" Rogers. . . Kate Beckinsdale
Colonel William Deering. . . Christian Bale
Dr. Huer. . . Donald Sutherland
Princess Ardala. . . Rebecca Gayheart (or Cote de Pablo)
Ardala's Father. . . Ian McNeice (cameo)
Killer Kane. . . Tobias Menzies

With inverted gender roles it's time to have some fun. Sticking with actors from recent movies and/or series in the roles we still have a decent cast. Kate Beckinsdale is a respectable action star but she may be overshadowed by Christian Bale and Donald Sutherland, actors with strong masculine presences onscreen. So. .

Cast (Neo-Classic Hollywood Blockbuster Version):
Anthony William "Buck" Rogers. . . Brendan Fraser
Colonel Wilma Deering. . . Kate Beckinsale
Dr. Huer. . . Donald Sutherland
Princess Ardala. . . Michelle Rodriguez
Ardala's Father. . . Christopher Lee (cameo)
Killer Kane. . . The Rock
Tiger Man. . .Danny Woodburn
Panther Woman #1. . . Cote de Pablo
Panther Woman #2. . . Pauley Perrette

This time she's Col. Deering. Also returning are the "Pather Women" (see below). Brendan Fraser may not be the first actor that comes to mind when you envision Buck Rogers but his naïve charm and rugged façade could take the character in interesting directions. Or, if you really want to go whole hog and do this as an speedball of action how about. .

Cast (Re-Envisioned Hollywood Blockbuster Version):
Wilma "Buck" Rogers. . . Angelina Jolie
Colonel William Deering. . . Brad Pitt
Dr. Huer. . . George Clooney
Princess Ardala. . . Jennifer Anniston (or Jessica Alba)
Ardala's Father. . . Christopher Lee (cameo)
Killer Kane. . . Mickey Rourke (or The Rock)
Tiger Woman. . . Cote de Pablo
Panther Boy #1. . . Daniel Radcliffe
Panther Boy #2. . . Kellan Lutz
Comic Relief Sidekick. . . Demetri Martin

Basically it's Mr. & Ms. Smith in space. Gun-fu, CGI, and George Clooney. What more could Hollywood want (besides the souls of virgins)?

Notes and Sundry:

* Tigerman: Be interesting to cast totally against "type" and go with someone unexpected like David Tennant or Andy Dick.

* Calling a woman "Buck" may seem strange but it wont be, because here the character will be a non-conformist type who bucks the system, thus her nickname.

* The "Panther Women" is just an idea to expand Ardala's personal body guard to including females body guards/servants that attend her in chambers.

* The "Tiger Boys" would be similar to the above, pretty boy attendants, probably eunuchs. But only in the Hollywood re-envisioning. ;-)

#end of line

Words Have Meaning

2009-03-17T12:31:00.000-04:00

I know it doesn't seem that way, especially in this age of 24 hour non-stop media, where politicians use weasel lawyer speak to debate what the meaning of "is is" and barely literate youths text each other with strings of nonsense characters that form their own barely coherent slang, but this is NOT something we should be celebrating. That any corporate entity would embrace this dumbing down of our culture is appalling. For in embracing a lack of respect for the written word, and the empowering knowledge that words bring, it demonstrates an abysmal indifference to society. In one fell move NBC Universal has said that literacy doesn't matter.

Yet, with the announcement that the Sci-Fi Channel is changing it's moniker to a name better suited to use as slang for syphilis, I began to ponder if, perhaps, the disconnect between "commercial" broadcast series and/or movies and the print medium that gave birth to scientifiction, the grandfather of the science fiction genre, wasn't perhaps far more egregious. Originally science fiction was an ill defined genre that seemed to be found only in the pulps, being the cheapjack magazines of yesteryear. The writing was formulaic, many of the stories not exactly innovative, yet, somehow, the genre flourished and grew and evolved. Science fiction is a popular literary medium that has impacted society. It has created the basic tropes and memes that continue to be recycled as clichés in everything from campy comic books to big budget space opera movies.

There is a vast science fiction fan base in the world. We don't ask for much. So long as a movie and/or series is decent and not designed by a marketing department to pander to the tween angst emo demographic with dumbed down monosyllabic catch phrases and blatant product placement we're relatively content. Alas intelligence doesn't seem to be on the checklist of things movies and/or series are supposed to have these days. Rather the studio executives seem to forgo common sense in favor of throwing money at marketing firms looking for a "hook" to reel in an audience.

Battlestar Galactica was but a drop of water in the vast ocean that is science fiction. There's a LOT of other "properties" with fanbases. Why not a Lensmen series? Why not a Gor series? Or how about a series set on Barsoom?

True BSG had/has a vocal fanbase, but most of those are fans with crossover interests in other things science fiction. The backlash from the miniseries, I think, proved just how the suits miscalculated. But that aside even if in ten years time the series, in retrospect, is deemed to be only half as good as people currently think it is just imagine how much better it could have been; if only. .

I apologize for the non sequitur, even though it's a perfect illustration of the problem at hand.

In closing I'd just like to reiterate that "SyFy" is a meaningless nonsense word that sounds more like pejorative gutter slang for syphilis. Now, world, I implore you, stop doing stupid things so I can get back to posting movie reviews!

Thank you.

#end of line