Areola 51

Year: 2007

Director: Eddie Edwards

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

Cast: Molinee Green, Nicole Oring, Valentine Snow, Deborah Wise, Jessica Sweet, et al.

Runtime: 74 min

Rating: TV-MA

Related URLs: Trailer (NSFW)

As astute readers will have already surmised Areola 51 is one of those low budget "late night" movies that cable channels like skinemax apparently have an endless supply of. Why review it? Partly because at the time I am writing this there is virtually no information to be found online and partly because, even though it is a late night T&A flick, it is technically SF and has some VFX that actually look better than the typical Sci-Fi; sorry, SyFylys Channel; original movie. I feel that makes it worth commenting on. The things I endure for the love of the genre and for this site.

* * * WARNING * * *

Don't continue reading BEYOND THIS POINT unless you're interested in hawt sci-fi babes. There may be NSFW content beyond this point. I do not guarantee there will be but there might and I don’t want you getting in trouble with your boss (or whoever).

* * * WARNING * * *

Premise: Alien space babes come to earth to research human sexuality, abduct a sexually frustrated secretary, and probe her for data.

The Reality: Threadbare plot is used as an excuse to film soft core vignettes.

The Story: Areola 51 is a UFO themed alien abduction spoof starring a bevy of bountiful buff babes. Some are porn starlets and actresses from late night erotic series like Co-ed Confidential. Thus some may be asking the question: Is a more explicit version of this movie available? The short answer is I do not know. So far as I can tell this has not been released to DVD. However given the fact Areola 51 is presented as a series of vignettes linked by a framing narrative device of a woman being interrogated by a shadowy man in black type. .

With the vignettes revealed as flashbacks. .

And revealing quite a lot of naked skin (while adding nothing to the threadbare plot or narrative). .

It's possible more was shot than made it into this cable version or that some scenes may have been recycled from previous adult features. (If you were involved with this production or know anything about this movie send me an e-mail or leave a comment and I'll update this review accordingly.) If how much naked skin is in a movie is what most interests you I suggest renting something else. Areola 51 attempts to do what so many similar softcore movies before it has, take the "adult" movie formula and meld it with drama; albeit with less than stellar results. But it's at least more interesting than the usual vacuous nonsense storylines found in these latenight skinemax flicks. An effort was made to make this SF. I wouldn't review it otherwise.

Assessment: This movie is deadly dull boring. The first time I tried to sit through it I was initially intrigued by the VFX. .

Which don't look all that impressive in a screen cap. .

For those asking: Is this really worth watching in the first place? I say. .

Verdict: There is a reason there's not many reviews to be found online for this. Aside from the mélange of soft core cut scenes Areola 51 is an epic snooze fest. Basically the producers took an idea better suited to a 30 minute Twilight Zone style episode and padded it out to near feature length. The easy out would be to say no one expects much of a late night skinemax movie. That's a steaming load. Upon a second viewing I found the movie to not only have moments of absurd hilarity but to have competent, if fleeting, VFX. Sadly Areola 51 never rises above being a limp DTV flick trapped within its formulaic late night T&A prison. If not for the fact I'd decided to record the movie and write a review of it before I'd ever seen it I may not have given Areola 51 a second look. Honesty compells me to note that, aside from an energetic piece of music used during the VFX laden title scroll and an abduction sequence with interesting visuals. .

The movie is deceptively blasé in it's approach to using it's SF thematic elements. Had their been any action to provide forward momentum it might have mitigated the tedium. Alas what Areola 51 attempts to do is take the Scherhazade approach to storytelling and turn it into a "let's tell repetitive stories to an captive audience" as the excuse to show simulated "sex scenes" in the usual clichéd softcore approach of opus filmmaking. The producers likely assumed all would be forgiven because of the gratuitous nudity. They were wrong.

However I am willing to take into account that this appears to be the production company's first feature, at least this is it's first listed credit at IMDB. To the producers I would say Areola 51 would be interesting as an uncensored Twilight Zone episode but, as a feature, sadly lacks scope. I hate to say that because the technical execution showed promise. If the production company produces more SF movies and infuses them with a little more action, retains the gratuitous nudity (perhaps with a little more narrative justification for it's presence), while incorporating more VFX and music (there's just the one song) I'd definitely tune in to watch them. Heck I might even buy a few of their titles on DVD, assuming they ever get DVD releases.

So if you like hawt sci-fi babes then set your TiVO to record this! Otherwise I'd recommend it only for hardcore bad movie masochists and people too embarrassed to buy real porn.

# End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Have you heard the HK & Cult Film News?

Today Cosmic Cinema is continuing to look around the net and report on interesting review sites. Last week we showcased Weirded Beardo Reviews, or some such [wink], today it's HK & Cult Film News. If you're thinking that's a rather odd niche for a reviewer to choose and that such a site must be deathly dull boring to anyone not interested in Hong Kong movies you'd be. . . WRONG!

This site has actually reviewed quite a range of genre flicks. Apparently "cult" is broadly defined here. Which is good news for heroic fantasy fans as the DVD release of a relatively recent Sci-Fi channel original movie was recently reviewed. It was even praised as an "modest but well-crafted" movie that "manages to rise a bit above the mediocrity of the usual Sci-Fi Channel fare."

Which movie gets such praise? Why it's none other than MERLIN AND THE BOOK OF BEASTS. A movie that, sadly, I missed entirely. Wish I could say the same for KNIGHTS OF BLOODSTEEL, a similarly themed heroic fantasy syfylys flick which was so bad I actually steered clear of syfylys channel original movies for a while. The review is not exactly glowing but it's earnest and honest in it's critique.

Viz. "Production values remain modest but decent enough otherwise, although the most the filmmakers manage in the way of interiors are a few rooms in the Arkadian's palace and some tunnels. A small courtyard set with a couple dozen extras is all we see of Camelot's inhabitants. Overall, the production design and cinematography are good and the film, while sparsely populated, has an attractive look."

Sadly this title is currently on sale at Amazon dot com for about 18 bucks, marked down from 20, and I have to say that there isn't a syfylys movie made that's worth that kind of scratch. There's just so many ways to spend 20 bucks. Alas using it to buy a syfylys movie is a waste. I'd sooner take a 20, pour lighter fluid on it, and burn it. Maybe if syfylys weren't so greedy and priced these DVDs modestly, say around 15 dollars to begin with then moving them to the 5 dollar bargain bin, so unless it comes up in the syfylys schedule again I'm going to pass. But read the review and decide for yourself. Sounds like this one might not have been all that bad.

# End of Line

Have you seen the Bearded Weirdo?

His reviews are actually pretty informative, for all that they give the entirety of the plot of most movies he's reviewing away. But then there's two kind of reviewers, those reviewing for people who have yet to see a movie (I count myself amongst this type) and those writing for people who've already seen the movie or who don't give a fig about spoilers. If this is you then you're going to love Bearded Weirdo Reviews. Just be advised this site is slightly NSFW. So if that discourages you from checking this site out read no further, because I'm about to talk about some grand fun reviews he's posted recently.

Still reading? Alrighty then get ready for the awesome!

In a recent review for The Warrior & The Sorceress the Bearded Weirdo had the following nuggets of wisdom to say about the sword-and-sorcery genre:

"Often, I find, uneducated video renters the world over use the terms 'sword-and-sorcery' and "fantasy" interchangeably. This is a tragic fallacy that must, must, must be corrected."

Mr. Weirdo goes on to explain, at length, the differences between high fantasy and heroic fantasy (the subset of fantasy to which sword-and-sorcery belongs). It's very interesting, even if the commentary gets a bit blue at times. My favorite nugget O'wisdom, at least what I can quote here, is the following:

"LORD OF THE RINGS is "high fantasy," not "sword-and-sorcery." Period. If a sword-and-sorcery hero ran into Frodo Baggins on some winding forest path in some faraway land of myth and mysticism... he'd beat the ever-loving sh!t out of that wimpy li'l hobbit bastard and steal his most cherished belongings. Then our unnamed savage ravager might go on an arson spree throughout all of The Shire, raping any hobbit ladyfolk he encountered along the way."

That does paint a picture. And what does that have to do with the movie mentioned above? Well you'll just have to read the review (The Warrior & The Sorceress) to find out! But the aforementioned review is a dull whitewashed piece of flotsam in comparison to the review for Demonwarp. You know you're in for something special when a reviewer's opening paragraph is:

"Why the f#@k would you ever go hiking in a place called Demonwood Forest? Seriously. What good could come of that? How could anything else but violent death await you? Have you people not seen any g-dd@mn horror movie, like, ever?"

Lots of expletives in this particular review. But if you can stick with it it's a real experience. Sort of like getting hit in the head with a volley ball at the beach. You're just sitting there minding your business then, out of nowhere, WHAM!

Alas Bearded Weirdo has not reviewed a lot of sci-fi features. This saddens me. Then again the few he has reviewed are full of his high octane critical wit. Behold what the Weirdo had to say about Barb Wire:

"BARB WIRE is the kind of movie that doesn't have a lot of fans who are willing to mention it without using that magic phrase "guilty pleasure" in the same breath. Like I said, I don't get the whole "guilty pleasure" thing, and I don't like it. To me, it's just a cop-out, and it smacks of "denying Jesus three times."

Well, Peter may have denied Jesus three times, but you won't soon catch me denying Pam Anderson even once. Not with this kind o' brilliant badness on her resume'."

I've read reviews that compare Barb Wire and Pamela Anderson to a lot of things but I don't think I've ever seen, heard, or imagined either would ever be compared to the life and times of Jesus. To be perfectly honest Barb Wire is a movie I've been meaning to write a review for, one day. I say "one day" because I've never really known where to start with it. Which is funny considering Mr. Weirdo got his review going with a lengthy rant about the absurdity of "guilty pleasures" which led to the following insightful overview of the movie:

"Inspired by the comic book of the same title, the film is a post-apocalyptic whirligig of bullets, bleached blond hair extensions, and black leather. It opens, like many a Bad-with-a-capital-B futuristic action flick, with a lengthy pre-credits scroll of white text in front of a harsh-looking "scorched earth" landscape that explains that the year is 2017 and America is involved in a second Civil War. Every city in the nation has fallen under an iron-fisted super-authoritarian government rule. Every city, that is, except for Wire's hometown of Steel Harbor <...>"

Nice synopsis. I particularly love the careful and well thought placement of an illustrative pic right next to this paragraph. (You'll just have to take my word for it if clicking the above link to visit a NSFW sight frightens you.) I should point out that Bearded Weirdo Reviews doesn't have a lot of movies currently under review. But the select few movies that have been reviewed are thoroughly critiqued. A very unusual and interesting review site. You should check it out soon.

# End of Line

Outlaw of Gor

Year: 1989

Director: John 'Bud' Cardos

Cast: Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti, Jack Palance, et al.

Format Viewed: VHS

Run Time: 90 minutes

Recommended: Yes, but only if you haven't read the novels and are a fan of campy B-movies.

MPAA Rating: PG-13 (For fantasy violence and gratuitous hats.)

Gorean Fantasy: Despite assumptions based on the name this form of fantasy has very little- in fact it has next to nothing at all- to do with blood and gore. Rather this fantasy genre is about self-indulgent male oriented slave girl fantasy.

Premise: Tarl Cabot, like John Carter- the character Cabot is all too obviously based upon- is transported to a distant world where he has many fantastical adventures.

The Movie: As the movie begins sad sack Tarl Cabot is drowning his sorrows in a bar with an nimrod friend when his ring starts to glow. Before you can say Holy Batsh*t a flashback of scenes from the first movie plays. As Mr. Morose was not having much fun getting drunk Cabot decides it's time for he and his chum to depart. After hopping into his car and experiencing some cheesy fake lightning effects Cabot and nimrod sidekick wake up in a desert; again with no car in evidence. Cabot is way too excited about waking up in a desert. Conversely his friend whines on and on for what seems like twenty minutes then, for no apparent logical reason, a group of desert nomads- wielding obviously store bought bows no less- appear over a dune and attack! Of course Cabot's nimrod sidekick is totally useless. .

After this ludicrous staged "fight"- in which a day actor can actually be seen dropping his bow from horseback as he starts to fall before Cabot lays a single hand on him- the pair of bumbling buffoons manage to get away and find a city. Actually it's supposed to be some sort of merchant tent-city but the illusion of the would be heroes walking in off the desert is ruined as a farming kibbutz (complete with freshly plowed furrows) can actually be seen in the top of one frame. .

Someone asks them who they are, Cabot gives his name, which leads to a bunch of people yelling "Cabot!" as if they're Lou Costello. (If by some miracle you got that reference that's a example of how dated the gags in this movie are.) Outlaw of Gor tries so hard to be humorous there are times it'll leave you thinking someone had to be two sheets away from brain dead drunk when they filmed this. That any could have actually thought this nonsense was funny is proof drugs impair judgment.

By the way at this point we're actually only 11 minutes into the movie, though it feels more like 111 minutes, and there is only more excruciating lameness ahead. But if you can withstand the juvenile dialogue Outlaw of Gor does have dancing girls. Watching their swanlike display of rhythmic dancing and bold strutting will leave you wondering why these movies have been neglected by the DVD market. Sure the story is about as contrived as a loincloth clad barbarian swinging a bastard sword at a necromancer in a tropical jungle but the dancers are a feast for the eyes and worth the price of admission.

Otherwise Outlaw's laughs derive from the vagaries of low budget filmmaking, such as incongruous costuming and dialogue so bad that, despite giving their best over the top performances, the actors look painfully embarrassed. In short this is a gem of low budget pseudo sword-and-sorcery schlock that makes the Deathstalker movies look like meaningful social commentary scripted by Aristophanes.

Analysis: What does a PG-13 rated Gor sequel get you? An shockingly milksop movie that's so absurd it's unintentionally funny. Yet, sadly, is no closer to being proper Gorean Fantasy than Fantasia. Though it does have a slave market. .

Lots of funny hats and shiny bikini tops. .

And ridiculous dialogue. .

Tarl Cabot: Those Priest-Kings are very dangerous. They have . . unknown powers.

Verdict: See review of GOR.

Availability: Sadly Outlaw of Gor is only available on VHS

#End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

GOR

Year: 1988

Director: Fritz Kiersch

Cast: Oliver Reed, Jack Palance, Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti, et al.

Format Viewed: VHS

Run Time: 95 minutes

Recommended: Yes, but only if you haven't read the novels and are a fan of campy B-movies.

MPAA Rating: PG (For fantasy violence and graphic depictions of crazy hats.)

Gorean Fantasy: Despite assumptions based on the name this form of fantasy has very little- in fact it has next to nothing at all- to do with blood and gore. Rather this fantasy genre is about self-indulgent male oriented slave girl fantasy.

Premise: Tarl Cabot, like John Carter- the character Cabot is all too obviously based upon- is transported to a distant world where he has many fantastical adventures.

The Movie: Professor Tarl Cabot is giving a lecture about a magic ring and the legend associated with it. In fact he drones on and on about this ring and what it's supposed magical powers are. Cut to the professor in his car. As he's driving away a storm kicks up, the professor loses control, and the next thing you know it's WHAM!

The professor wakes up on what appears to be coarse gravel. As the professor gets up and looks around it's sudden shocked realization time. For as far as the eye can see all there is to see is desert. Did he die and go to hell? Is this a concussion induced hallucination? Where the heck is his car?

Before we can fully question what's going on Tarl wanders upon a village, or maybe it's a town, we see it from a distance so it's hard to tell. Again, before the audience can fully question what's going on, we see said town is under attack! Fires are set, men are killed, women run frantically to and fro, and amidst the chaos a single female warrior stands valiantly before a crimson colored stone battling all who dare approach her.

It's obvious that this female warrior is important because we keep seeing her between cut scenes. Alas not even her best Red Sonja impression can help her now. There's just too many enemy warriors. Ultimately they overwhelm her and the other defenders, and this is only the beginning of the movie!

Alas Gor doesn't keep this action packed pace throughout. It has it's moments, a Sapphic tavern brawl here, a bevy of scantily clad dancing girls there, a glimpse of a slave auction, alas the dull plodding drone of the cliché riddled plot gives us a movie that is easy on the eyes but hard on the ears. Nor do the problems end there. Here's a sample of dialogue:

Tarl Cabot: Hey, what is this place?

Talena: It's a tavern.

In case you're wondering if the character is really THAT stupid: Yes, yes he is.

That's Tarl in the "tavern" and the entire time he wears one expression on his face: befuddled buffoon. Granted part of that may be due to the cheapness of the sets and ridiculous scenario and costumes but. .

Assessment: Gor is supposed to be an adaptation of the semi-popular and controversial novel, Tarnsman of Gor, by John Norman; the nom deplume of one John Lange Jr. If you've ever heard anything about the Gor novels this movie will probably baffle you. If you haven't ever heard of the novels not to worry, this movie has not relation to them beyond the use of a few character names and the use of the title. While technically science fantasy; being about a college professor that gets "magically" whisked away to an distant alternate world; Gor plays more like a sword and sorcery feature complete with swords, sandals, and low budget sorcery. Yet, for an 80s era sword-and-sorcery, movie Gor is very tame. Almost disappointingly so.

Verdict: For an adaptation of a sword-and-sorcery novel Gor does not have much of the magical in it. The movie lacks even the rudimentary sense of enchantment found in Conan the Barbarian or the truly fantastical found in Hercules in the Haunted World. The special effects are sporadic and less impressive than those found in similar movies like Steel Dawn or The Adventures of Hajji Baba thus rendering Gor barely half as good as either of those movies. Yet it spawned a sequel: OUTLAW OF GOR.

Sadly GOR is only available on: VHS

#End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

The Thing Below

Year: 2004

Director: Jim Wynorski

Cast: Billy Warlock, Kurt Max Runte, Catherine Lough Haggquist, Peter Graham-Gaudreau, Warren Christie, Kiara Hunter, David Richmond-Peck, Colin Lawrence, Jim Thorburn, Craig Brunanski, Julie Hill, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

AKA: Sea Ghost/ Ghost Rig 2

MPAA Rating: R

Score Card:

Premise: An pathetically cheap looking CGI tentacle creature-alien-monster-mutant something gets loose in a oil rig/secret military lab/ship board corporate research facility someplace and kills a bunch of people then other people get sent in to deal with-find-recover something and the mutant-alien-crazed monster whatever starts killing/stalking/eating/mating with their corpses/G-d knows what.

The Reality: THE THING BELOW plays like an awful, ineffective, plodding, illogical, and utterly pointless knock-off/remake of DEEP EVIL.

The Story: Until recently I thought the worst movies ever produced were made by the Polonia Brothers, but those are relatively competent no-budget productions in comparison to this phoned in ineptitude. As the movie starts and the titles roll we are treated to library stock footage of naval vessels. This is used to establish an ethereal military relationship before the credits cut to a storm tossed ship wherein a gaggle of idiots decide...

At the height of a hurricane-like storm no less, to move an super-ultra-amazingly dangerous container. .

A container holding the super-ultra-amazingly dangerous what-the-hell-ever. As if that wasn't retarded enough they even DROP said container (after a character comments on how bad it would be if they dropped it). .

And then proceed to stand around like stoned monkeys staring on in dim-witted confusion. (Actually stoned monkeys would have enough sense to fling their own poop at the critter.) Even The Asylum would be ashamed to release a movie this ill conceived. THE THING BELOW isn't just a fillip on the ear of reason it's an visual frontal lobotomy. From here on it only gets worse. The first 40 minutes are a listless vacuum of purpose. .

It's very obvious the cast was in this strictly for the money/screen credit/ craft services table/because someone had nude pictures of them. Speaking of nudity the filmmakers obviously realized what utter worthless shite they were working with and decided to try to distract the audience with a strip tease (about 38 minutes too late). .

Assessment: Words fail. Seriously this movie is the bastard child of inbred morons from the planet Ludicrous. The premise is clichéd, the plot ill defined, and the movie itself a complete and total bore. Which is astounding considering how much inane exposition the characters bring the movie to a screeching halt to recite. Bad enough THING BELOW contains a slurry of regurgitated stock footage, most of which can be seen in such prime z-grade action flicks as AGENT RED, CURSE OF THE KOMODO, and, believe it or not, DEEP EVIL. .

Verdict: This is essentially the cinematic version of a mad lib with the director filling in gaps between recycled footage. According to IMDB it took three writers to come up with this plebian silliness, at least one of which also worked on DEEP EVIL. Three writers and it's still inept garbage! If bad movies were a medieval village THE THING BELOW would be a murdered leper buried in it's dung heap. To say this "movie" appears to have been edited together from an motley assortment of library stock footage, scenes rescued/lifted from other DTV projects, and held together by the loose rubber band of a script written on rolling papers would be like calling a Category 5 hurricane a little bit of bad weather.

Caveat Emptor THE THING BELOW is available on: DVD

# End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Star Runners

Year: 2009

Director: Mat King

Cast: Connor Trinneer, James Kyson Lee, Toni Trucks, Aja Evans, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

Rating: TV-14 (LSV)

Premise: In a far distant future two "Runners", being cargo haulers who operate within the "gray area" of legality, are cajoled by officials of the U.P. (United Planets) into picking up a "crate" which turns out to contain something far more unusual, and sought after, than even these veteran smugglers expected.

The Reality: A quaint space opera throwback whose first few minutes has the feel of an episode of FIREFLY or STARHUNTER but quickly evolves into a laid back action-adventure hybrid of PITCH BLACK and STARSHIP TROOPERS.

The Movie: This was the Sci-Fi Channel "original" movie for Saturday June 14, 2009 and stars Connor Trinneer, who played Trip in ENTERPRISE; and James Kyson Lee, Ando from HEROES.

The plot of STAR RUNNERS is reminiscent of SERENITY sans the "Reavers" but retaining an shadowy corporate-government-military organization worried about maintaining the lid on one of it's secret cover-ups. .

Alas the background universe is not as well developed here as in either FIREFLY or STARHUNTER. There's mention of an "underground" though who or what they're fighting against isn't entirely clear. One assumes the 'verse STAR RUNNERS inhabits is supposed to be similar to that of FIREFLY and STARHUNTER but that's pure conjecture. There's mention of a "U.P." but it's never explained who or what this organization is, though at one point there is mention of a "United Planets" so one assumes they're the equivalent to the Alliance or Federation from Star Trek. There's also a mysterious female, Asta, found in a cryogenic shipping container- just like River from FIREFLY- around whom the story more or less revolves.

Nor do the similarities end there. Seems River, I mean Asta, is being hunted by shadowy corporate-military goons that want to keep her from spilling the beans about what happened on Miranda, er, Alpha Centari 3 or some such. However Asta was not victim of sinister medical experiments, rather she's more of a evolutionary mutation, a super human with preternatural ability ala Leeloo from FIFTH ELEMENT, so I guess that means she has the Divinity Cluster gene? (If you got that reference give yourself a Dr. Pepper!)

And that's just explaining the set-up for the characters! Long story short the Runners are forced to transship their "item" via civilian starliner. Said craft is attacked, the pilots knocked-out, our erstwhile Han Solo anti-heroes forced to take the helm and hyper jump into uncharted space where the vessel crashes on a planet. Here the plot becomes something of a crazed amalgam of PITCH BLACK and STARSHIP TROOPERS.

Assessment: This is a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Why it was labeled TV-14 LSV is beyond me as it seemed tame. The dialogue is suggestive of a good movie and nothing more, the only real violence was against CGI creatures that were about as realistic as the CGI critters in a FPS shooter from a decade ago, and there was no overt sexuality. That said I've been ignoring Sci-Fi original movies for a while. So I was rather surprised to see SERENITY listed on my menu as playing on Sci-Fi followed by a Sci-Fi original movie called STAR RUNNERS. It sounded like a space opera adventure. I was hooked!

There is a reason the Sci-Fi channel had SERENITY playing before this movie. And that reason, I feel, is because this has the feel of a fan boy's homage to that movie and the series it was based on. Alas the CGI is typical of a Sci-Fi Channel production. .

Which is to say it's fairly bad. You can take a screen cap of a creature in a scene from any Ray Harryhausen movie and it will look like something. The above is just an amorphous smudge. But which is more embarrassing the above or the below. .

How's that for a CGI knock-off of the Battlestar Galactica! It actually looks a lot better when viewed during playback. Don't worry. The movie didn't end with everyone getting killed off. Believe it or not the movie leaves itself open to a sequel, or potential series, though it's doubtful anything will come of it. Shame as Connor Trinneer does very well in the role of congenial yet no-nonsense space smuggler.

Verdict: There's two ways to look at this movie, kindly and with a hypercritical eye. The kind reviewer will note how this appears to be a homage to a number of series and movies and, while a bit slow at times, seems to be a movie made by those with a sincere love for the genre. The hyper-critical reviewer will note how the opening titles use the Battlestar Galactica font and use this as a launching point to rail against the director, producers, CGI/VFX. .

And blame the post production team for lack of originality while lambasting the Sci-Fi channel for airing such clichéd yada-yada-yada. True, the plot may not have been any more imaginative than titling a movie BATTLE PLANET and while the dialogue was a bit lame in places there was also good dialogue and dialogue delivered lamely. However this is not a terrible movie. Yes, some things could have been handled better, like Asta's reveal, but a good critic will realize why it was done the way it was. To do it any other way would have people griping about the movie copying FIREFLY.

However the pacing could have been better but the movie didn't have me rolling my eyes and wanting to channel surf to see what else was on until about the one and a half hour mark when the "shaky cam" effect started to become annoying and the CGI started to get overused. STAR RUNNERS could have been an unused script for STARHUNTER or FIREFLY turned into a feature length film but it feels more like this was a fan boys love letter to the space opera genre. Otherwise, aside from the annoying vagueness of the back story, this is okay viewing for a evening in which you have nothing better to do. Those who aren't fans of sci-fi and space opera with a low tolerance for campy borderline lame drama should probably avoid this one.

# End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Deep Evil

Year: 2004

Director: Pat Williams

Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, Adam Harrington, Ona Grauer, Lindsay Maxwell, Leah Cairns, Heather Feeney, Rachel Grodnik, Rachel Hayward, Michael P. Northey, Will Sanderson, Ron Selmour, Jim Thorburn, &tc.

Format Viewed: Satellite Broadcast

MPAA Rating: R

Score Card:

Premise: An pathetically cheap looking swamp creature-alien-monster-mutant something gets loose in top secret bio-research lab/secret underground military base/corporate research facility someplace in remote Alaska and kills a bunch of people then other people (read: the clichéd "crack military team") get sent in to deal with-find-recover something but not before the mutant-alien-crazed monster whatever starts killing-stalking-eating-mating with their corpses and G-d knows what else.

The Reality: DEEP EVIL is your typical low budget wannabe ALIEN schlock that's really more a knock-off of THE THING starring the cousin of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON.

The Story: Deus misereatur it's a clichéd alien-mutant-monster in a lab movie! For those who don't know the drill amoral yet stupid-evil scientists in an uber secret lab are working with exotic-alien-mutant DNA and accidentally on purpose create a monster-hybrid-alien creature that kills and/or infests the stupid-evil scientists with its parasitical offspring. At least I think that's what's going on. The movie is apparently supposed to be (or was so bad their was no other way to edit this smelly carp) a flashback within a flashback as a prisoner in a room is interrogated and tortured. Which is basically what it feels like to sit through this; torture.

Assessment: If you can get past the fact it looks like all the director/casting person did was hire some random people off the street, throw hastily assembled military style costumes on them, put them into rooms after telling them to make believe they're soldiers-lovers-interrogators-whatever and started "Zen" filming. .

If you can get past the fact these ludicrous character freeform sessions seem to go on for an eternity before the director remembered this was suppose to be a horror/monster movie. .

If you can put your brain into neutral and not ask probing questions about what the heck is going on. .

If, and I stress the word if, you can do any of that then you may be able to enjoy DEEP RISING. Otherwise you might as well just get someone to hit you in the genitals with a hammer, because that's what sitting through this movie will feel like to you. For the rest of us bad movie aficionados DEEP RISING has it's moments. .

Sadly they're too few and too short to make this movie recommendable to any but the most hardcore of bad movie gluttons. And yet. .

Verdict: This movie is bad but not terrible and while its impoverished plot brings nothing new or interesting to a tired premise in need of retirement I'd rate DEEP EVIL as predictable yet not entirely boring; just unbelievably lame. Alas, if you are in the military, know someone in the military, have a family member in the military, or have ever watched a serious documentary about the military you may wish to stay away from this movie. Herein are egregiously error filled depictions of military personal that may induce migraines. OTOH nitpickers could make a fun game of pointing out the inaccuracies/mistakes/ridiculous nonsense in this movie.

Caveat Emptor DEEP RISING is available on: DVD

# End of Line

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan