[Tongue-in-Cheek Reviews #1] STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

Country: U.S.A.

Year Released: 1977

MPAA Rating: PG

Cast: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Cushing, Alec Guiness.

Director: George Lucas.

Luke Skywalker, on the desert planet whateverthehellitwascalled, is put in charge of two droids his uncle bought from the Jawas- the Jawas being a gang of cloaked dwarves with glowing eyes that roam the desert of planet whateverthehellitwascalled in a mobile chop-shop- but when Luke's cleaning R2D2 (a small fat trashcan shaped robot) he triggers a message: "Help me Obi Wan!" The droid with the message runs away in the middle of the night and Luke goes after it, finds Ben, and ends up leaving planet whateverthehellitwascalled aboard the Millennium Falcon. So this "Old Ben" dude becomes Luke's mentor in the ways of the Force so he can become a Jedi like his father. It's all very mystical.

So we're on the Millennium Falcon, this being the ship Luke and Ben chartered to take them away from planet whateverthehellitwascalled, which is captained by Han Solo. This dude is one grumpy mercurial mercenary pilot on the hook to some alien slug gangster called Jaba the Hutt for major credits. Han and his hairy shag foot partner, Chewbacca, watch bemused as old Ben teaches young Luke how to skillfully manipulate his lightsaber with his eyes closed. That's about when they reach their destination and drop out of hyperspace, or whatever.

No sooner do they go to look for the planet where the girl in the "Help me Obi Wan!" message asks them to go when, WHAM, they're snared in a tractor beam and taken aboard a moon sized space station. During their efforts to escape they end up rescuing Princess Leia from the clutches of this evil tall dude called Darth Vader that wears a kooky looking black leather S&M outfit with a funky Samurai helmet/mask.

How's that for a coincidence! They find the princess and the villain, all by chance, aboard that gignormous space station. And the space station?

Well that was called the Death Star, and you know if they give something a name in a movie that means it's important so they, of course, have to come back and destroy it. So off they go to the HQ of the rebellion where they gather up a rebel fleet and launch their attack against the Deathstar. The shizzle hits the fizzle and before you know it Luke's piloting a X-Wing star fighter with closed eyes doing his Jedi thing as he pops a cap into the Deathstar's rear entry.

The End.

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan